Eminem

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Eminem.

Origins of the name EMINEM[edit]

Before reading you might ask where the name Eminem or ( E.M.I.N.E.M. ).Every letter in his name means a word. It means "Every Man Is Neutered Even Me". He chose this name after a painful trip around Africa ( pronounced: A-freak-ahhh!! ) were he was crucified on a bench by a horde of monkeys. When arriving back to america the first thing he said was: "I'm never going to eat bananas again," meaning exactly that. PS: BEFORE EMINEM HIS NAME WAS M&M signifying how weak he was and his chocolate addiction. All day and everyday, the guy would eat chocolate, shoving it in his mouth.(This was before he gained 400 pounds, of course.

Growing Up[edit]

Eminem at age 12 and a half ( the "half" means he's a big boy now ).

After saying "FACK YOU!" to Dr.Dre's womb, Eminem was born unto the world. He was a 2 gram baby with a vestigial penis growing from his forehead he had a kilo of smack on him which was taken by Dr.Dre and smoked by Dre and Snoop Dogg ( Eminem's father ) but Snoop will have nothing to do with Eminem because he is white and can't rap however Snoop has not totally lost contact with Em because the often speak on the street however we do not know what was said because all that was heard was "wigady wack shizze bizzle shabba nado". After several operations on the entire world's population, people were unable to see this giant organ, and thus the problem was solved cheaply. Eminem was repeatedly bullied during his childhood, as he was the only white child in an entirely black-oriented world in which Jesus was still alive and ruled with a giant spatula believed to possess magical powers.

As a means of combatting the Black-Oriented society, Eminem was one of the founding fathers of the white revolution movement, and often was arrested for having agressive battles between his barbershop quartet and other rivaling factions. To this day, Eminem has 490 felonies under his belt.

Eminem before going on a diet.

Some of these include, but are not necessarily limited to:

  • Use of tanning salons whilst white.
  • Drive-by swearing.
  • Musket battles.
  • Driving exactly at the required speed limit.
  • Singing whilst under the influence of aftershave.
  • Pistol-whipping a punching bag.
  • Dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.
Japanese artist's impression of Eminem performing on stage.

His Wife[edit]

Sometime during his rapping career his wife dumped him for the fat guy in Bowling For Soup who apparentley squished the ex wife of the strange poor rapper. He later had sex with his ex wife in her sleep causing the birth of his first child. Eminem Despised his wife so much he made millions of songs about the bitch with such as

  • You Dont know shes in my trunk
  • Who Knew kim was gonna die......Me
  • Lose yourself Stabbing kim
  • White and Black americans hate Kim
  • The real slim shady could kill kim
  • Haelies hate song for her mum
  • Just lose it strangling kim
  • Asses like that can squish Kim
  • My Band is gonna kill Kim.
  • Kill You ( you=Kim )
  • Cleaning out my closet, the one with kims bones
  • When Im gone ill be back to kill kim
  • Toy Soldiers are stronger then Kim
  • Stans on the loose to kill Kim
  • Kims my bitch
  • Welcome to Detroit City you bitch Kim
  • My Name is I hate Kim
  • Lost his masculinity after a drive by shooting
  • Loves your mom
  • You Don't Know When I'll Slit Your Throat.
  • The Re-Up Your Ass Kim
  • Get my Gun cuz kims comin for tea
  • Fight Music Dedicated to Kim
  • Kim.......Is a bitch
  • Im just Marshall Mathers and Kim Mathers is a bitch
  • Public Enemy #1 Kim
  • I had some 40oz and am gonna kill Kim now BYE
  • Fack a Bitch so she later kills Kim

In 2002 he made a movie about his relatonship with kim titled "12,75 kilometer to Kims house!"

Assassination attempt[edit]

On June 30th, 2008, John F. Kennedy shot Eminem outside of a Goodwill stationed at Duquion, Idahowa. Eminem was searching a dumpster for clothes that he could wear to his next concert. Kennedy bumped into Eminem and yelled, "You've served your purpose. You may die now!"

Abruptly after that, he shot Eminem in the heart. Unfortunately, the bullet was useless since Eminem does not have a heart. The wound quickly healed and closed, and Eminem began laughing maniacally as he peeled the flesh of his face to reveal that he was in fact, the Antichrist.

He then proceeded to take 24 gallons of Peanut Butter and shove them down Kennedy's throat. Lee Harvey Oswald was the guy that delivered the beverages, and therefore, got arrested for this.

Sobbing Bitterly[edit]

Perhaps Eminem's greatest achievement is his invention of the act of sobbing bitterly. His mournful, heart-wrenching sobbing can be heard in his movies, music and heart-shaped diary ( which he keeps hidden beneath his own sense of personal injustice, rendering it completely inaccessible to the outside world ). A three-year-old girl in a shopping centre was once suspected of being a superior sobber to Eminem, but closer investigations revealed that her mother had placed a set of speakers beneath her shirt and was playing the 8-Mile soundtrack.

Eminemization[edit]

Eminem is well known for inventing "Eminemization", a process by which the explicit-ness of a song and/or phrase is multiplied a thousand times. He has done this in everything he has said in the past ten years, unless the unholy might of the FCC opposed him. Hence, he summoned the mighty "Stop FCC"-campaign to distract them, with Janet Jackson's boob in the lead. Eminemization is done in two simple steps:

  • Take every verb and replace it with "fuck."
  • Take every noun and replace it with "shit." ( "Bitch" is also acceptable )

Let us take a normal talk from everyday life:

  • James: You seem very good at running.
  • Oscar Wilde: Seem? I am very good at running. You've seen me yourself.
  • James: You must exercise a lot.
  • Oscar Wilde: Oh yes. I have some very good exercise machines, and I spend 40 minutes a day on them.
  • James: You have very big muscles, don't you?
  • Oscar Wilde: Yes.
  • James: Might I feel them?
  • Oscar Wilde: Why, yes, certainly!

And now, thanks to Eminemization, it is:

  • James: You seem very good at fucking.
  • Oscar Wilde: Seem? I am very good at fucking. You've fucked me bitch.
  • James: You must fuck a lot.
  • Oscar Wilde: Oh yes. I have some very good bitches, and I fuck 40 minutes a day on them.
  • James: You have very big shits, don't you?
  • Oscar Wilde: Yes.
  • James: Might I fuck them?
  • Oscar Wilde: Why, yes, certainly!

Personal Life[edit]

Eminem has never mentioned his personal life in any of his music or interviews so very little is known about the man. Top scientists have only been able to piece together small parts of his life and the rest is assumption. Eminem was born between 1901 and 1980 somewhere in the Alpha Centauri system. He grabs his crotch a lot to make sure it's still there, because once he drove off a bridge or something and lost it. Or someone else did, with it in the trunk. One time, his crotch disappeared because Eminem kept grabbing it. Like referenced in many of his songs, he went to hell to get it back. This was between the years 2006 and 2009, when he was gone from the public eye.

He is also known to be somewhat of a mama's boy, as he and his mother are extremely close. He is known to cook breakfast for his mother every day, do household chores for her in the house that he bought her, and go grocery shopping for her. He even wrote a song called, "I wish all women were like Alicia Keys".

He once found this article and is planning to kill the creator as he says "The creator of this shit is a cunt, he will fucking die!" and proceeded to put an advertision in the local newspaper for a hitman to take the mission. When no one responded to it, he bitched and moaned and wrote another song about his wife. It is believed that his wife is Elton John.

Eminem's favorite rap group is the The Beatles. This terrorist rap group is fronted by 2 life long friends of Eminem, George W. Bush and Bill ( the machine ) Clinton

Eminem, real name George Postiga, currently lives in a half-mile long platinum trailer with his mother, daughter, and archenemy/Eminemisis, Emily Anenome Eminem.

He sparked controversy again this year. Eminem, who celebrates his 50th birthday in 2 short months, released a feature film about his life. 8 Mile ( Known in Europe as 12.2 Kilometres ) is a subtitled film in black and white showing scenes from his childhood. The 130 minute scene at his cousins wedding was controversial as the young Eminem is only even in the background for some of it, and has no speaking lines.