Emo

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Emo.


Emo ( from Latin: "to buy, purchase", pronounced eeee-moe ) is a type of subculture ( rather distinctly from the 21st Century ) loosely rooted around punk rock with its own distinct style of music, fashion, argot and other trappings in a desperate, though ultimately hopeless attempt to pronounce their uniqueness. As a rule of thumb, a person described as "emo" ( falling under certain behavior mannerisms and attire correlating with the subculture ) will often be from a comfortable, middle-class background with understanding, pleasant parents. All of this is irrelevant to an emo who will consider themselves misunderstood and repressed regardless of reality. Any urologist would say that these very emotional people need to be encouraged by the rest of society to help them out of this state of existing, or technically not existing.

The origin of emoism is much debated, but it is thought, like many terrible things, to have first manifested in the modern form during the 1990s. It didn't however become mainstream until about 2002.

On the plus side, Emos have made great strides in the fields of photography. Many surrealist photographers study the ridiculous and almost impossible-to-duplicate camera angles emos use to post pictures on their MySpaces.

Origin[edit]

Part of the Dæmonica series on Misery:



He's miserable. Are you?

There are a few existing theories on how the entire emo subculture was started, though none of them is regarded as entirely compelling:

Theory 1: Some people have gone so far to suggest that "emo" originated in the 1980's, as a way to describe a branch of hardcore punk that appeared in the 1980's, with "emo" being short for "emotive/emotional hardcore/emoxcore/emocore/whatever," but these people are liars, as early emocore bands like Fugazi are about as far removed from Dashboard Confessional as is possible, and everybody on the internet knows that "emo" means "angsty kids who take pictures of themselves in a mirror on MySpace." Because random fat people sitting in their basements have confirmed this, it is generally accepted as true.

Theory 2: Some people believe that "emo" is a subculture which stemmed from goths, which stemmed from the punk culture. This is largely debatable and difficult to prove considering the drastic differences between the "goth" and "emo" subcultures: goths kill kittens, emos cry when kittens are killed. Emos wear tight pants, goths wear tripp pants. By numerous comparisons, those of the emo stereotype have more in common with a chocolate cookie than they do with goths.

Theory 3: The third theory, designed by Dr. Kent of the University of Stanford while he was on ecstasy, cites vague and obscure evidence that, he argued, strongly proved the Lithuanian Nihilist movement as being responsible for the emo subculture's outgrowth in the early 1990s, perhaps as a secret means of creating hybrids to take over the Earth's teenagers and other abnormally-hormonal people before the egg-shaped meteors came, possibly due to the "emos" being victims of a fungal infection developed by rogue Cuban scientists. Additionally, Dr. Kent believed that they would eventually grow cybernetic appendages to make themselves more superior to the rest of the human race, who would then be victims of a horrific parasitic fringe as detailed in his short paper on the issue, which stated, "they would eventually grow cybernetic appendages to make themselves more superior to the rest of the human race, who would then be victims of a horrific parasitic fringe." However, Dr. Kent was killed and eaten by Wilford Brimley in the early 1980s, at least two decades before the emo subculture started appearing at Hot Topic stores nationwide. Kent was once resurrected from the dead, so it's not impossible that he has again managed to return to the land of the living. This theory has proved controversial.

Fashion & Demeanor[edit]

Emo clothing is typically black, mixed with smaller amounts of shockingly bright colors, especially, but not limited to, their hair. While emo hair is mostly black as well, there are often flamboyantly bright highlights.

A rare sighting.

Emos tend to favor one-eyed hair cuts. Some believe this hairstyle to have stemmed from a lack of self-esteem, but it is more commonly believed that they only have one eye.

They can be easily identified by their ridiculously tight jeans if male ( stolen from sister's closet or bought at Macy's ). Specifically for the males, wearing tight pants, white studded belts, and small band t-shirts are prevalent. Piercings, eyeliner, and long hair are also common but not necessary.

It is often times very difficult to identify the gender of an emo, and even the emo themself may not be entirely sure of their sex. Many of the emo kind express this by saying they are bisexual. Contrary to popular belief, this is not just a fashion trend...they just cannot decide whether they are male or female.

Many enjoy taking pictures of themselves with one side of their face showing, as if they are ashamed of being them. This, like the haircut, further leads people to believe that emos have only one eye. Smiling in pictures is rare, and it is common to give the peace sign sideways for no apparent reason.

A majority of those in the emo subculture are vegetarians. Why? No one knows. It is common to see an emo eating a large salad while looking rather pathetically at a "normal" person consuming a tasty hamburger. Others who push the self-righteousness further follow the "sxe" lifestyle, also known as "Straight Edge", where they refuse to drink, smoke, or have sex. There has been little noted distinction between the "Straight Edge" lifestyle and the moral code of Catholicism.

It is 100% absolutely true that being "emo" constitutes committing self-harm, writing poetry, being depressed, and identifying one's self as bisexual. There are many other characteristics of the emo subculture, but further research is needed to accurately describe them.

Natural habitat[edit]

Emos enjoy dark, dry places and middle-class suburbs.

That's an emu, stupid.

Another place of interest is, in fact, their own bathroom. They derive entertainment out of taking pictures of the reflections of themselves, often showing the camera flash. This has proven another fact. The fact is that emos are horrible photographers. With all this in mind, common logic would be to shun them from society, or throw them into a pack of wild wolves. It should also be noted that if one were to want to see an example of an emo, all they would have to do is look on MySpace.

When roaming outside of their homes, they can be found at their local high school amongst their peers. In this environment, the emo's natural predator is the jock. They're also commonly found roaming the local mall, in much abundance, specifically Hot Topic and stores near it. In order to go past this area, a gas mask and earmuffs are required. Don't ask why! Just do it! Emos will often attend a concert (referred to as a "show"), standing completely still. Homoeroticism may insue, so if you ever find yourself in this position, get the fuck out now!

Other habitats include browsing at the local record store ( rarely ever purchasing a record ), sitting in dark corners smoking cigarettes, sitting in a park on a child's swing, sitting at that one table outside the coffee shop that was supposed to be for decoration, and volunteering in their local community (sorry, I mistook that for a boy scout...sorry...).

EMOtions[edit]

Emo's are never angry, only sad. The only time an Emo is happy is when they are listening to Hawthorne Heights or cutting themselves, and when that happens, they are sad, creating a Parralax Error, Resulting in the creation of Grue's and Democracy.

Ways to kill an Emo[edit]

Scientists, Concerned parents, and "Normal" children, have all been wondering how to remove this pimple from the worlds' anus. Many believe that the Emos could be driven out of public places by the use of heavy metal, pop, country, and hard core rap/ hip hop music. This theory has only proved useful in some cases, as the emo is a very adaptive creature. Some people have noted that emos will tend to steal songs from other genre's and tweak the lyrics slightly, as well as revamping the songs music to fit their homosexual emo rock needs. An example of this has been the Soulja Boy song which was stolen by one emo band and revamped to be even more queer then the original. This pirating of the song led to several bloody battles between mainstream African Americans and Emo Americans, with the Black people victorious on each account.

Another method in Emo removal has been the useage of forcing them to wear normal clothing. Parents who force their Emo children have a better chance of curing them of this vile cultural disease by showing them that going to college or dressing this way in the work place will not assure them of a successful career. In a recent poll by the worlds most unintelligent man, Al Gore, 60% of parents who force their emo children to wear normal clothes will have changed their mindset to that of a more normal child. 20% claimed that thier children died in the process, as their skin burned on contact with the normal threads. 10% say that their children do wear normal clothing, but really don't care and/or pay attention to them, resulting in the emo attitude in the first place. And the remaining 10% found that disciplinary action's resulted in the children becoming more emo, in which they were forced to destroy their child, and adopt a new one from a 3rd world country.

The most successful method though has been letting the emos to the dogs so to speak. By were the other classes in the school pecking order have their ways with the Emos. One idea has been suggested that the "Nerd" class build weapons for the "Gangster, Jock, and Skater" classes to use in order to defeat the Emos. Another has been using the "Whore/Preppy girl" class have their way with them in sex in order for them to develope HIV/AIDs and hope they die in the future. A final, more accepted theory, is to have the "Nerd" Class, construct a super weapon called a Death Star, and use its super weapon that cannot anhilate a single planet with one blast, to destroy the Emos source of power, the store known as HotTopic. Once ridden of the mind controlling nonconformist capitolistic power house, the children would then believed to return to wearing normal clothes, eating normal fatty foods, and return to a normal life wear they will die of "Global Warming" instead of killing themselves do to depression.

See Also[edit]