Energy Drinks

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Energy Drinks are potions consumed by "dirty goffs" seeking their magical effects. Most Energy Drinks are sold in highly decorative cans to distinguish them from their less-evil counterpart, Soft Drinks.

This is one of the many energy drinks on the market today. Notice that the can has the word "Power up" on it. That must be good in some way.


Energy drinks are great for your health and should be consumed with each meal everyday.

Early Development[edit]

After his discovery Josef began making much larger batches to support his new addiction to energy drinks. Unable to find an ample supply of ancient maples, he buried the mix under Taco Bell restaurants which actually amplified the effects of the drink. After several months of Energy Drink abuse, Josef accidentally killed himself while jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge reportedly still screaming "It gives me wings...!", his famous catchphrase that Taco Bell later adopted. The authorities subsequently found his recipe, and attempted to destroy it after witnessing what it had done to Josef, but were unable to due to a black magic curse he had placed upon it. Nobody knows how the recipe leaked out of authorities hands, but some speculate that it was either a vampire, or Tom from Myspace that took it.

Mass Production and Distribution[edit]

The Disney Corporation with help from Pixar and Werner Bros. were the first to largely distribute energy drinks, labeling the liquid as "Monster", which later would appropriately describe said company. Different varieties began to spring up upon the discovery that the ashes of different races of humans altered the effects of the potion. For instance, Native American ashes created the "Red Bull" and "Red Rooster" variety, while ashes from Asians created the "Boo Koo" variety. The first energy drink is now known as the "Von Dutch" energy drink. In order to spread energy drink addiction to the rest of the world (It was not known at this time that energy drinks were addictive, except to the Disney corporation), Disney utilized dragons to rapidly transport their product to the four corners of the earth. They also used large green ogres riding donkeys pulling carts for more localized distribution. The most common places to find these energy drinks today are common gas stations who are not yet aware of the evil.

Health Concerns[edit]

Energy drinks are highly addictive, and often cause seizures, brain aneurisms, penis enlargements, cold sweats, circumcision , twitching, development of full body tourettes and frequent urination. Death is also a major concern after a few days of use. Through aggressive lobbying, Disney, and other energy drink corporations still sell the drinks, most likely unhindered due to large "donations" to lawmakers. Energy drinks are available at any gas station or local convenience/porno store. Also, if one wants a larger hit and is ready to move on to bigger and better things, five minutes of online searching will lead one to more raw energy.

Don't See Also[edit]