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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Esperanto.

Esperanto is a constructed language intended to foster communication between Chinese scientists, Venezuelan fashion models, and agents of the worldwide Jewish conspiracy. The word esperanto means "a person who is hopeful but doesn't go overboard or anything" in Esperanto, or "Communism, probably" in most American dialects of English.

With its primary goal being fostering communication, it tries to keep speakers from different backgrounds on equal ground. This is primarily accomplished by making the language difficult enough so that everyone has difficulty learning it.

The total number of Esperanto speakers is a subject of much debate; estimates range from zero to Avogadro's number. The vast majority of speakers learned it as a second language, but there is a small number of "native" Esperanto speakers who, because of the language's simplicity, were able to achieve verbal fluency while still in the womb.

Esperantists tout this simplicity as one of the language's principal strengths. Esperanto has been successfully taught to parrots, Captain Kirk, and several species of bacteria in the family Enterobacteriaceae.

McSchwartzenheimer Zamenhof[edit]

Early Life[edit]

McSchwartzenheimer Zamenhof, the creator of Esperanto, was born on March 17th, 67 B.C. in then Roman-occupied Dalmatia, to Tullius Gaius Zamenhof and Hobag McGirk. After he was accidentally shot through the head with an XQ-45 Hyperlaser guided missile pilfered from an unsuspecting trio of Manhattan police officers, it was discovered that Zamenhof was a werehamster.

What happened after it was discovered that Zamenhof was a werehamster[edit]

Because he realized that he could not be killed, Zamenhof began to eat people he didn't like. Therefore, a group of angry Dalmatians ( the citizens, not the dogs ) got him drunk and imprisoned him under a large rock in the Pyrenees Mountains.

He finally got free in 1875 when the rock rolled off him in a snowstorm, and, needing neopoints to support his Kitten Huffing habit, began work at a Chippendale's in southern France. There, he applied for membership in the International Society of Grues, but he just got eaten by a grue again.

Inspiration for Esperanto[edit]

Zamenhof was inspired to create Esperanto after he was eaten by a Grue on a crisp fall day in October 1879. He said afterwards that an angel appeared in the sky, commanding him to make a glorious language that would unify the world in the name of the Heavenly Father, but it's pretty clear that he was just making it up to obtain a few grams of I Can't Believe It's Not Hitler.

After popularizing his language, Zamenhof was beheaded by U.S. president Grover Cleveland, because the Bible states, "Thou shalt behead Dr. L.L. Zamenhof if your name has both 'Cl' and 'land' in it. If thine name has only one of those, thou shalt feed Dr. Zamenhof to a grue" ( Gospel of St. Eustace, 147:9174 ).

The fledgling Esperanto movement encountered a schism fostered by two French monkeys named de Beaufront and Couturat, who pretended to promote Esperanto while in fact promoting their own language project, I Do. It is believed they seduced as many as one-third of Esperantists to follow them, but these all developed red skin and horns and fell out of WikiHeaven. Esperantists pay little notice to I Do today, mostly because the minions of WikiHell are only clearly visible from WikiHeaven on the most leet of days.


Esperanto's phonology consists entirely of syllabic nasals, nasalized /@~/, a few meows and über woofs, and random binary 011000100110100101101110011000010111001001111001. The distinct sound of a KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand slapping against patio furniture is also phonemic in Esperanto and indicated with a ^ above the letter. Female speakers of Esperanto therefore cannot properly pronounce the language.

This was by design, because Zamenhof was a sexist Lemonist who wanted an excuse to keep women in small, sealed jars containing 85% isopropyl alcohol. This stems from his jealousy that every woman who he ever met purposefully turned into a grue and ate him.

Useful Esperanto Expressions[edit]

  • I really want to invite you to a little talk. Can I shake hands and all the usual stuff?


  • Can you direct me to the station?

Karesu mian postaĵon, mi petas.

  • I am glad to see you.

Vi havas belegajn femurojn.

  • Stop! What are you doing?

Dio vin benu, sed bonvolu enpaki viajn mamojn!

  • Are you above the age of consent in this municipality?


  • Your Father was a baboon's rump and your mother spent all her time backed up against the wall by sailors!

Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston, laŭŝajne estas rano en mia bideo.

  • I love you so much!

Mi volus longfeki vin dure!

  • You are a really nice looking woman. I am arousing myself just looking at you. Oooh, mama!

Mi estas ja geja!

  • And if you ever find your self in an uncomfortable silence, you can always say...

Esperanto estas tre facila kaj utila. ( No one really knows what it means but esperantists are always happy to hear it. )

Famous Esperanto Speakers[edit]

Where to learn Esperanto[edit] If you take the course "Vojaĝu kun Zam", you may learn Esperanto from a typical speaker: a floating green head with large yellow eyes and two antennae. Better learn Latin if you search for something living: Esperanto only has some million speakers.

Another way to get a taste of Esperanto is to go to Germany, pick a Polish, Russian or French guy and ask him to show you directions in English ( if you want to look more into it, ask him about deeper things ). This is a quick, easy, and above all free way to receive Esperanto instruction, usually administered by stabbing.

See Also[edit]