Eunuch

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A typical eunuch
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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Eunuch.

The Eunuch, aka the dickless wonders, aka un-made-men has been around for 23452345 years.... and this isn' just a big number! They have been in exsitence for 50 times longer than the human race when it first walked in Africa...(or several thousands times longer if you are a terrorist). They have been used as servants, harem guards, priests, warriors, fashion consultants and political advisors to the president.

What is NOT a eunuch[edit]

A typical harem Eunuchs are hired big bucks to guard because they have no sex drive. Trust me, I wouldn't hire someone with nuts to guard my harem. This does not imply that I have one, by the way.

In order to talk about eunuchs, one must talk about what is NOT a eunuch. Thorughout time, there have been many eunuch subsitutes.

The Depressed[edit]

The first imposter was the Goth Kid. These creatures were created when FORMER Senator Rick Santorum(R-PA) went back to the beginning of time (5:43 PM August 2, 1956) and ejaculated in the primordial soup. Out sprang a good imposter, someone who hated the world and therefore seemed to hate people and therefore was likely to hate women. However, this imposter was saw through as it appearred to enjoy deviant drug-induced sex.

Contrary to popular belief, this is not a eunuch! Actually, this one is...but you get the idea.

The counterfieters had to go back to work.

Homosexuals[edit]

The next attempt to replicate the self-un-made-man was on the planet Irk in 1534. This was done by those who decided that a eunuch just doesn't have to be attracted to women. However, this was a complete failure as wealthy homosexuals began to have harems as well. This meant that homosexuals "couldn't have their cake(or whatever the stereotypical gay sweettooth is) and eat it too". Despite the cake going to their thighs, homosexuals just couldn't pass as eunuchs without being un-made with their straight counter- parts.


The Sod[edit]

There are also false eunuchs that are really androgynous aliens known as the Sod. These fakes are also confused with homosexuals because they reproduce asexually. The Sod are said to be secretly trying to take over the world. This has been proven false or simply not true. However, with their similarities with homosexuals, there have been many who have heard the rumor and/or have been abducted in sexy Sod jokes or abducted by their really gay friends who pretended to be Sod. These "many" believe that there is a homosexual conspiracy. Many who believe this are such abductee yokels as Rick Santorum, Tom Coburn and James Dobson.

Conclusion[edit]

Since you know about three important eunuch substitutions...you can get to the real question this article tries to answer...poorly...-

So what are eunuchs?[edit]

A eunuch guarding the harem of the great impotate
No, that's UNIX

It has been said that the "eunuch" is just a state of mind. Actually, that's a flaming turd. If you want to know the real deal,come to my house and we will discuss it over a pecan pie and a cutting board. That doesn't tell you enough, okay then you might not be able to handle the REAL truth, so be aware! Eunuchs were created in 45342, by uhhhh....uncyclopedia vandals in order to be pussys, tax collectors, welfare whores, bureaucrats and guest stars on Jerry Springer and Oprah. They also are a great asset to harems, as you see on the left(your left....I think) side of the page.

When Eunuchs are castrated before puberty, they are known as Wallywubbles or castrati and are known for their heavenly singing voice and their eternal youthfulness is prized by catholic priests. They typically serve as grue keepers and an excellent source of meat. On the other hand, eunuchs that were "made" after puberty are turned into politcal advisors, harem guards and fashion consultants, however most fashion consultants are not eunuchs but are,ummm....see above. It is also known that eunuchs make great bureaucrats and butt slaves. For example...before he had pages....

My Eunuchs are the best peices of ass eva...and my paper work has NEVER been so organized!

~ Mark Foley on Eunuchs

Also, there is a eunuch fighting league. Many are quite simply amazed that someone who is male (sorta) can take so many blows in the groin(or whats left of it) in one sitting.

How to "make" a eunuch[edit]

Over the ages, many have found new ways of making eunuchs. The first attempts involved a grue biting his testes off. However, this was uneconomical as many grues were recruited to fight the Republican party and the war between the Flying spaghetti monster and Black Jesus. So, new methods had to be made.

a demonstration of the new laser castration system
An ancient Chinese tool

With the dawn of the industrial revolution in 2101, mechanical castrations were invinted. These machines could un-make 23462343 men an hour (about all the men on Earth in 4 days). Since then, new and innovative ways to castrate helpless vict----er--- employees have been invinted. Some of these innovations have been the electronic hand-held castrator and the external combustion castrator. Also, there has been work on laser castration, but that's for pussies....but then again, that is a moot point in this business.

Electric castration is only .00032% effective but has an amazingly high survival rate of .23513245%

Eunuchs in action[edit]

Unmade men are known for their many abilities from being the priests of Ishtar in the Neolithic Age to being the debt collectors of 21st century India. However, throughout it all Eunuchs have been known for their extraordinary services. Nowadays, many fine 5 star resorts have eunuchs. When they are in action, you can have them do anything from protecting your harem to filing your taxes. Most rates are between $300-$500 an hour, but there are coupon days, when even mediocre slobs can afford them. Many Eunuch rental groups now have special April 15th deals to do your taxes. In fact, the prices of eunuchs have dropped substantially in recent years due to the rapid growth of female feticide in China and Polygamy in Utah. This has lead to a vast overgrowth of the unneeded male population and because these males don't need to be males, they are castrated....and if my course in economics means anything, this means that the rates and prices for eunuchs have dropped substantially. Then again, eunuchs are quickly becoming a new craze to own or rent, so the great deals out there today will be the highway roberies of tommorow....and I am not just talking about the robbing of the manhood!

Advantages to being eunuch[edit]

There are very few major advantages in being eunuch to most male; in opposite of pretending to be eunuch in order to have full access to any harem. One can be grateful for losing his male attribute because woman underwear and swimsuits fit him way better than when he was still granted with male organs. Plus, many transvestite applause how easily then can fool unsuspecting heterosexual men into sleeping with them when they are eunuchs. Another reason that can come in handier is the fact that, being eunuch, you can go in public without clothes on: the nakedness cannot be considerate as public indecency by the law since no genitalia are showing. It hence allows you to easily switch from nudist beaches to regular ones and have a perfect and effortless sun tan.

Important Eunuchs[edit]

  • Alan Colmes- A guy this pathetic must have lost his pair YEARS ago.
  • Cloud Strife- Well, yeah, he's a eunuch. Hojo had a lot of fun "doing" it, I'm afraid.
  • Fred Phelps- Yup. Eunuch.
  • Most of the French- They haven't be able to successfully defend their country since 1815. Eunuchs? I think so.
  • Joe Lieberman- Well, maybe, he might just be a sore loser, though.
  • Scientology Clergy- This is what happens in cults, ya know.
  • Tony Blair- Someone that is as much as a lapdog as him...is well...a eunuch!
  • You- Well yeah, you're a eunuch. Deal with it.
  • Me- I just learned that last week.
  • The monopoly guy- Well....I dunno. I just know he is a eunuch. I mean, Look at him!
  • Focus on the Family- Jesus says to be a eunuch, but you would know that by now, right?
  • John McCain- Well, yeah.
  • John Kerry- No question.
  • Adam Levine- The lead singer of Maroon 5 isn't a chick?