From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search

I’m going to fucking bury that guy; I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking kill Everyone.

~ Steve Ballmer on Everyone

Everyone refers to the collection of all human beings, and other partially or completely theoretical sentient beings. In this sense it is a very selective group.

Everyone has been known to be a bore, to be getting trashed tonight instead of working on his dissertation, and to love Doctor Who.

It is doubtful that everyone is out to get you, but that is always a possibility. It might seem especially unlikely considering that you yourself would have to be out to get you in order for "everyone" to be out to get you. But you've never been that fond of yourself anyway, have you?

Then again, a statement such as "everyone is out to get me" might turn into a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, whereupon your ever-increasing comprehension of the true [nature of the world will cause you to be quietly assassinated by a federal shadow agency.

Of course, such an agency probably doesn't exist, and wouldn't have brainwashed you to inadvertently reveal your grasp of the truth to them by reading through Web pages that fuel your growing paranoia.

Thus, since you probably haven't been wired since birth through the mass media and consumerism to give away any plan to resist their mind control, you almost certainly don't have anything to worry about.

As they say, you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And since you are all alone, everyone can't be out to get you.

Facts About Everyone[edit]


  • is doing it!
  • loves pie.
  • is retarded.
  • gets beaked through the head for writing so many of these facts.
  • knows that you are right, and the others are lying.
  • has more money, free time and/or sex than you do.
  • loves a good book.
  • has had 15 minutes of fame.
  • is scared of Tamia.
  • has killed or will kill Kenny McCormick.
  • has killed or will kill Uncle Fred
  • is going to be fucking killed by Steve Ballmer.
  • is a member of the We Hate Stephen Wolfram Brigade.
  • is eventually going to kill each other with nuclear weapons.
  • does not like you.
  • will be roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
  • is cooler than you.
  • has a bigger penis than you.
  • hates the French.
  • will be called a motherfucker by Samuel L. Jackson.
  • will lose their soul to Cthulhu
  • is an alien.
  • is British
  • is invariably not everyone.
  • is pitied by Mr. T.
  • is a little bit racist.
  • loves Alicia Keys
  • likes Jesus!
  • has AIDS.
  • is a member of the nWo.
  • is a comedian.
  • thinks Martin Van Buren is a piece of shit.
  • is a minority.
  • is gay.
  • thinks they are the best.
  • hates you.
  • has a mom.
  • likes Your Mom.
  • plays RuneScape.
  • has a penis lodged in their brain.
  • is going to, have already been or is currently being eaten by a Grue.
  • would rather read Uncyclopedia then Wikipedia.
  • will be shot by [place favorite vice-president here]