Evil Jesus

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This is one Jesus you don't want to mess with.

Holy, holy, holy is Tamia Sabbaoth!

~ Evil Jesus

Evil Jesus is the Messiah to all evil people. He's the kind of Messiah who'll start a brawl, then stand back to enjoy the show. Contrary to popular belief, he is not the Patron of hookers, pot smokers, atheists, and other undesirables. Although not related to Satan, he is extremely evil. He frequents Dunkin Donuts coffee shops, hash bars, gay biker bars, and many of the Trump properties.

If you see Evil Jesus, do not approach him as he is considered to be armed and dangerous. He is pretty much responsible for all supernatural events, so stay away from Ouija boards, psychic mediums, and other sources of ectoplasm. Many Mormons and accountants confuse Evil Jesus with the Anti-Christ because of His association with the Internal Revenue Service, but five years of Congressional hearings have determined that taxes are not actually evil.

Although the Vatican has distanced itself from Evil Jesus, an anonymous pedophile clergy-person has confided to the author that His praises are sung at St. Grammaphone the Disgusting Church in Boston every first Thursday of the month]]. Most Protestant demominations regard Evil Jesus to be the sitting Pope. Non-Christian religions generally regard Him as non-existent, or annoying at worst. The Church of Satan has disavowed any knowledge of His whereabouts.


If you see this poorly-rendered image on your computer, for Christ's sake, call The Justice League of Jesus!!

Jesus was born on July 1th of 455 BC. His mother holy Mary was 9-years old like most mums when they get their first child. Mary and 30-year old Joseph told others that God humped Mary so they wouldn't keep Joseph as pedophile. Soon after Jesus was born Josep drank himself to death for unknown reason. Mary had to sell herself in the streets to get Jesus some food. So they lived happily for 18 years until Mary was too tired to sell herself. Jesus was now only one in family who could provide food for them but unfortunately there wasn't many gays in 437 BC so they had to find another job. Jesus started to practice his fathers noble profession: Drinking. It took many years him to learn its secrets but soon he mastered it better than his local Romans. This is all we know about his childhood and past before he started to teach people.


When Jesus turned 22 in 433BC he was officially an adult. First thing he did was getting a donkey driving license, failing the test five times. That same year he bought a newborn Donkey from Bethlehem. For many years he just drank and rode his donkey. Finally, in 428 BC, he decided to get a real job. He went to the social office and found out that Microsoft was in need of a Messiah, so he started to teach people about the mighty God that is Bill Gates. He also thought that Linux was created by Satan and was very unreliable. He gathered a small army to support him and soon they made miracles like "resurrecting a PC". Here is direct comversation from Grammata about it:

Jesus:"What is wrong my dear custumer?"
Dear customer:"M-my PC is broken! It doesn't show anything than a blue screen!!!!"
Jesus:"My dear costumer, I will forgive your sins this time and resurrect him."
Dear customer:"H-How can I ever thank you?++"
Jesus:"You don't need to do anything special... ...just buy Windows Vista!"
Dear customer:"I will! Thank you My Lord!!!"

And so, Evil Jesus led many people to buy Windows. Luckily some Roman nerds still fought back. They made a plot to kill him, and one night they broke into his house and stole his computer mouse. The Romans were sure that he couldn't use his computer without it. The following morning, against all odds, Jesus was able to use his computer without the mouse ( This was one of his most famous miracles ). The next night the rebels kidnapped Jesus himself, and when Jesus woke up he found his hands and legs were tied to cross.

Romans: "If we can't prevent you spreading Windows, you must die!"
Jesus: "Father Bill will take my soul if I die!"

The Romans killed him.

The end.

However, in Hell, he started the H.S.E.F, and promptly left. Dispite his affiliation with gays, and gay bikers, it seems he still hates bad dick jokes.


In 1986, a group of archaeologists came across an ancient Gynecologist's Office where they discovered evidence that Mother Mary had in fact engaged in intercourse before Jesus's birth. In the file marked "Christ, Mary", the gynecologist noted that he found it "impossible that a women with such a butchered vag could have been a virgin," as she claimed. Skeptics suggested that the doctor only viewed Mary's Blessed Hoohah following the birth of Jesus, which would have significantly murdered her vag canal. However, Dr. Martha Lousingsteeze refuted this claim, noting that the documents found in Ms. Christ's file were dated to four months before her first son's birth. Additionally, the visit was noted as a pre-birth check-up. This subject matter was initially Director Ron Howard's inspiration for The Da Vinci Code. However, after Arrested Development was cancelled, he cried and changed it, so that the Da Vinci Code would not similarly be cancelled, forgetting that Tom Hanks would never star in a sitcom with actual humor and that the 2006 film was not a sitcom. Co-Star Audrey Tatou was originally slated to play Mary in the gynecologist flashback.

Musical Taste[edit]

Contrary to popular belief, Jesus despises the Polyphonic Spree. Although he was a huge fan of Tripping Daisy, he found that Tim DeLaughter's recruiting a 300-piece choir indicated some sort of messiah complex. Also, their album covers reminded him of his mother's gaping vagina. See Controversy for more information.

The True History Of Evil Jesus[edit]

Evil Jesus has always been there - whether it's to steal your soul or to eat those table scraps when you least expect it. Long ago, people feared an immortal monster called "The Monsterous Jesus Of Evil Heaven." He lived in his cave waiting for little enfants to creap up and he could snatch their bodies and rip out their heart and eat it to gain their courage of course. Just watch for EJ. HE WILL ENGULF US ALL INTO EVIL HEAVEN!!!

Signs That Evil Jesus May Be Approaching[edit]

Most people fall prey to the kinky, dark clutches of Evil Jesus simply because they were unaware of his presence. The following guide describes common situations in which you can determine if Evil Jesus is nearing and the direction from which he is doing so ( keep in mind that EJ runs on a four-axis plane quite similar to that of Frogger )(keep in mind that this means that he can only approach from four directions).

  1. . If Chuck Norris runs past you half naked shouting, "THE END IS NIGH FOR EJ", Evil Jesus will be approaching from the South.
  2. . If Mr. T runs past completely naked yelling, "I PITY THE FOO THAT GETS TO EJ FIRST", then EJ will approach from the North.
  3. .If a purple, three-legged Gorilla runs past you being chased by a nearly endless army of emo kids, Evil Jesus will be approaching from the East.
  4. . If Michael Jordan leaps from a tree and begins to violently punch you in the neck, EJ will be approaching from the West.

Ways To Ward Off Evil Jesus[edit]

Now that you know how to spot the directions in which Evil Jesus will be approaching from, the next step is to learn how to get him away from you.

  1. .It's common knowledge that a sack full of kittens covered in napalm is the quickest way to ward off EJ. Unfortunately, many people lack the speed to capture enough kittens before EJ approachs.
  2. .When you can't catch enough kittens before the approach of EJ, those little plastic things at the ends of your shoelaces can cause EJ to melt if two of them hit EJ in both of his eyes. Unfortunately, many people lack the hand-eye coordination and dexterity needed to throw a .0005oz piece of plastic five miles, the minimum amount of range needed between you and EJ to make him melt.
  3. .When the first two fail, leopards and prostitutes can make wonderful distractions so that you can effectively escape the clutches of EJ and live free for one more day.

I hope that the above two guides help keep you from becoming another score under Evil Jesus' name. Remember, Chuck Norris and Mr. Rogers need those points more than EJ does!