Expresso

From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Espresso.
Dwyerlogo.gif


A sadistic but efficient caffeine-delivery system. Often referred to as "espresso" by the pretentious nouveaux riches who order it -- but not by those who serve it.

The drink first found its way in Iowa, USA, where a Mr. Joe decided his coffee was taking too long to be made. He intended to compress a half-gallon of coffee into one putrid coffee mash, which instantly fermented in .3 seconds. He named it "The Expresso" for its express delivery system.

In an ironic twist, Europeans stole the design and, being the pussies they are, added all kinds of frilly creams and chocolates and flavourings to it to mask its swampy butt-crack taste. This took up to ten times longer to make than regular coffee, tasted roughly like Instant Hot Chocolate, and cost roughly $4.50 US. This new drink, the "Frilly Fruity Frappamappakappasnapaamochajochahochaccinno" was fed to the masses at inflated prices, causing Mr. Joe to live a live of desolate solitude and poverty. His legacy still lives on in the Expresso, which is only available at Starbucks.