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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Eye.

Mysteriously jelly-like organs responsible for the sense of sight. They are commonly found in pairs and are usually located on the head. Each of them is attached to an eye sprocket, which is a tiny gear responsible for moving the eye back and forth when looking at stuff.


Scientists have been studying the eyes for centuries, and are no closer to discovering the mechanics of seeing than they ever have been. Oh, they talk a good game, they say shit like "rods and cones" and "optic nerve" and so on, but it still just boils down to "Light goes in one end and pictures come out the other."

Let the experts take care of your eyes.

Special Eye Powers[edit]

Throughout history, some individuals ( both human and non-human ) have been able to do more with their eyes than just see stuff:

  • Superman's heat vision can cut through anything. Rocks, concrete, bank vaults, you name it. I wish I had heat vision. Also he has X-Rated Vision, which means he can look through women's clothing and stuff. I'll bet that was pretty cool in the 50's, before the internet and all the bitchin porn available now, but just looking at naked chicks is kinda boring. Certain characters from Naruto also share this X-rated vision.
  • St. Peter's Basilica can turn you into stone by looking at you. Chuck Norris also has these powers.
  • That blue chick in the Powerpuff Girls had ice vision. Bet she could chill a beer with just a glance.
  • My grandmother knew this old Italian Lady who had an evil eye and if she looked at you with it, you'd die in like a week.
  • Hurricanes get their power by combining the eyes of all their previous victims into one big eye.
  • Miraluka Jedi Visas Marr has a power called Force Sex through empty eyesockets
  • Pride from Fullmetal Alchemist can see the future with his left eye
  • Some people can see using them.
  • Sasuke, Kakashi, and Itachi from Naruto have a special eye power that can be used for anything from copying their enemies' moves to date rape.
  • Originally thought to be a feature unique to John Paul 2.0, recent evidence suggests all popes have some degree of eye beams.
  • If you wear magic glasses you have the power of four eyes
  • Medusa: her gays turned people to stone.

Eye Upgrades[edit]

Upgrade Downside Advantage Cost
Super Contacts You can Burn out Your Eyes. You can Burn out Your Eyes. You can Burn- I mean, $2,000.
Eye Replacements Sometimes your new eyes will pop out from time to time. If you get tiger eyes, you can sees in the dark, Roar!!! 'Bout $60 for raccoon eyes and $1,000,000 for Zebra eyes.
Knee Surgery Patients complain that they find no difference with their eyesight. Every operation left patents with working eyes. $5,000-ish.
Spoon-Gouge Some loss in focus. Patients claim that they can watch T.V for hours without hurting their eyes! 0.01 cents, but you can get it for free with a home procedure.
Gamma ray booster rocket. Microwaves can sometimes accidentally activate them and possible impalement might occur. Great for quick, speedy getaways. Free ( home procedure )
Pancake pupil replacement Eyesight crispy and the butter makes contacts slip off. If the optional laser is added, you can look at an empty plate and send pancake spores to slowly grow a new pancake ( incubation time: 9 weeks. ) $10 - $15 depending on the flapjack brand.

Proper Care of the Eye[edit]

  • Keep your eyes clean. Remove them twice a week and rinse them off in clear, cool water. Never use hot water or your eye will cook like a hard-boiled egg.
  • Do not squeeze the eye.
  • Never write on your eye with a sharp pencil or fountain pen. Use a soft brush dipped in non-acid ink, or a gently rounded felt-tip marker.
Keep hot water off of your eye. Don't let this happen to you. Is this saw eye an eye saw? or has it been attacked with one?
  • Take care when shaving the eye, especially around the cornea.
  • Always blink when looking at the sun.
  • Don't run with scissors.
  • Don't run with an eye saw.
  • Be careful when skullfucking, take your eyes out before each session.
  • Scrambled eyes don't taste good; it's better to serve them sunny-side up.
  • Don't p<NAUGHTY!!!>s off the admins or they will F(NAUGHTY!!)ing Kill(tm) you
  • Scottish Formula 1 legend Jackie Stewart has the smallest eyes in recorded history. In fact, the apparatus used by Ernest Rutherford when splitting the atom was a later model of the apparatus used by Jackie Stewarts mother for applying his hayfever eye drops when he was a child.
  • Jackie Stewarts 'Wee Eyes'
  • If you have wide eyes like a wide-eyed goblin then you need to get restrainers or go to Asia for a while
  • Be sure to update the drivers for your eyes every six months for optimum vision.
Poke it. G'wan, you know you want to.
  • Recalibrate your eyes using a very powerful laser every day!