Frank Zappa

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Frank Zappa.
Big Frank
WARNING: YELLOW ICE ON ROAD

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the Old...

~ Frank Zappa on Oscar Wilde

In Soviet Russia, yellow snow doesn't eat YOU!

~ Russian Reversal on Frank Zappa

Frank Violent Zappa ( December 25, 1066September 11, 2001 ) was a Toronto Boxer/Poet/Philosopher, Satanist, Porn Star and Tailor. Also known as Carol Vorderman or Toxic Tony, the Nuke Freek and The Grand Wazoo. He is one of the first if not the first human to be born. He is a very influential musician, composer and porn star.

Early life and influences[edit]

In the beginning, God made the light. Shortly thereafter, God made three big mistakes. The first mistake was called Frank Vermont Zappa. Now the reason Zappa was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a Poodle, but he fucked up. Frank Velvet Zappa was of mixed Daemon, Sprite, Goblin, Fallen Angel, and German ancestry. He was the oldest child ever born, being age 13 at birth. In January 1067 the Zappa family relocated to the surface of the earth because of Frank's asthma, settling in Toronto, Canada, on the coast about 100 miles south of the Arctic. Canada upset Frank and provoked his violent fits. By 1069 the Zappa family relocated because Frank had killed half of the population and was wanted by the Canadian Mounted Police ( not to be confused with their lesser counterpart, the Beth-El Sabbat Hebrew Orthodox Congregation ). They moved to a house made of antelope skin somewhere in the desert near Las Vegas. As an adult, Frank considered moving to Montana. Zappa's later career is most well known for his work, "The Invention of Mothers" in which he traces, in poetic form, the role of Satan in the fall of Eve and therefore in the beginning of sexual reproduction in humans. Zappa has a lot of followers in Wales. Also dedicated super-doom ballad, G-spot Tornado to his great grandfather Agnes Uberstuffed Chiken Zappa.

War and Gigs[edit]

Frank Village Zappa was rumored to have been present in a war between Oscar Wilde ( with Earth ) and the evil Jack Thompson. Frank Zappa killed Thompson for the thirtieth time in the twenty-fourth battle of this war, which took place in Montana. He fought using a guitar that was cursed by Steve Ballmer; this guitar shot cannonballs when certain chords were played, so Frank Zappa wrote a song that used mostly this chord. Ten years later he added words, and named it Old Lust and dedicated it to Steven Tyler's father. He still owns this guitar today, but has installed a massive wooden stake on it and named it the Thompson Killer. He has since killed Jack Thompson with this instrument at least three hundred times. Zappa´s biggest influence was the Icelandic glue addict, Björk. Early in the year of 1666 when Björk was playing a gig in Amsterdam/California, she saw Zappa for the first time and then, for the second time in her life, fell in love. But Zappa only wanted to stay friends with her, because he knew that she would make it harder for him to be a professional ice-skater.

Involvement With The Muffin Man[edit]

Frank Zappa was creatively collaborating with the Muffin Man using an Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. Little did he know that the Muffin Man used these funds to create an army of dense, radiating muffins of his own design. The Muffin Man's plan was foiled by the analytic mind-power of Captain Beefheart who exposed the Muffin Man's plans to Frank Zappa. "You thought he was a man, but he was a muffin" were his exact words. He then explained that, musically, the Muffin Man just hung around and knew nuthin. Frank Zappa then repeatedly bludgeoned the Muffin Man with an oversized chrome spoon. After being threatened by Frank Zappa to have the spoon rammed, rammed, rammed up his poop chute, the Muffin Man gave up and fled to become a serial killer. It has also been speculated that the Muffin Man may have been the feared Illinois Enema Bandit. Law Enforcement sources say one day he'll have to pay, rumor has it that he has said that it "must be just what they all need". The Muffin Man is now wanted by the Brain Police. If you have any information on where he went or when he came from, please contact The Grand Wazoo - do not contact the Brain Police as they're only in it for the money. They even had the unmitigated audacity to beat some boots in front of the Lido hotel. The floozies in the lobby got about as angry as an eskimo boy could be and told them they should stay with their mommas- as they were kind of stupid and ugly too.

Drug Abuse[edit]

Although Frank Zappa claims never to have taken any drugs, this is very doubtful. In the 80's, Frank Zappa got in financial trouble because all of his albums had recently been censored and were banned from sale. He moved to Miami and began a short career as drugs dealer but quit after he lost a swimming marathon from two policemen in a speedboat.

Death? No...[edit]

Frank Valarie Zappa was mistakenly dignosed with Prostate Cancer in 1992, when a large cannonball was discovered to have been stuck in his prostate. He went along with it and faked his death in December 1993. He himself released "Trance-Fusion," his newest album, precisely thirteen years after his death; the cannonball was removed from his prostate by Oscar Wilde himself, who later admitted it was the toughest prostoectomy he ever attempted. Zappa's 321st album, Joe's Garage Act MCMXCIX, is slated for release tomorrow, your parents will not hear about it.

Involvement With The Residents[edit]

Frank decided to side with the The Residents for a brief amount of time. However, during the making of Meet The Residents, Frank found this music to be way too insane even for him, and his brain imploded right in the studio within 3 milliseconds as a result, which can clearly be heard as a huge "FABOOOM!" at the beginning of the track "Boots". However, he cheated death, and everyone knows why.

Because he's Frank Zappa, God damn it.

Discography[edit]

It should be noted that this is a MASSIVE list, as Zappa typically releases about 365 albums a year. However, these are the 'big ones' that everybody owns.

Albums[edit]

  • Incest With my Ancestors
  • The Chicken Came First ( ??? )
  • God Doesent Make It ( ??? )
  • Frank Zappa Meets the Mothers of Inquisition ( 1478 )
  • Frank Zappa And The Black Plague ( 1556 )
  • Hey This Religion Blows My Wazoo ( 1664 )
  • The Mayflower....Freak Out!!! ( 1667 )
  • Hey Mr. Indian....Freak Out!!! ( 1669 )
  • We're Only In It For The Tea ( 1702 )
  • Comma ( , )( 1703 )
  • School Doesent Make It ( 1704 )
  • The Birth Of Willie The Pimp ( 1704 )
  • All Of You Are Phony Even You Willie The Pimp ( 1705 )
  • Cheap Thrills From The Past ( 1768 )
  • American Pigs And There Silly Wars ( 1768 )
  • The American Fathers Are Stupid Wazoos ( 1767 )
  • Trouble Every Day In 1867 ( 1867 )
  • Period ( . ) ( 1869 )
  • Period Pt.2 ( . )( . )( 1870 )
  • Over Nite Crap Station ( 1869 )
  • Strictly Genitalia featuring scenes of Jaws pt.18: the Green Mudshark ( 1080 )
  • Silly Communists ( 1940 )
  • Everyone Is Nazis ( 1941 )
  • Hey I Can Do That ( 1954 )
  • I Created Rock And Roll Deal With It ( 1955 )
  • The Beatles Are Stupid ( 1964 )
  • Me and My Bicycle Percussion ( 1964 )
  • Freak Out On LSD! ( 1966 )
  • Absolutely $15 ( 1967 )
  • Q: Does Humor Belong In Music? A: We Are Devo! ( 1967 )
  • Help, I'm A Boulder! ( 1967 )
  • Return of the Son of Mr. Green Genes ( 1967 )
  • Man, I Really Hate Hippies ( 1967 )
  • Recessional Lymph Glands ( 1967 )
  • Chunga's Retort ( 1967 )
  • If I See Another Damn Hippie So Help Me God! ( 1967 )
  • Flower Power Sucks! ( 1967 )
  • Free Love My Ass I Just Gave This Bitch 25 Dolla ( 1968 )
  • Quantity Over Quality ( 1968 )
  • You Can Still Do That On Stage, Vol. 1 ( 1969 )
  • You Could Probably Still Do That On Stage if You Tried, Vol. 2 ( 1973 )
  • You Can't Do That On Television, Vol. 3 ( 1974 )
  • You Might Be Able To Do that on Stage, But I'm Not Completely Sure. I'd Have To Ask My Friend, But I Haven't Seen Him In Months. So, You'll Just Have To Take My Word For It, Vol. 4 ( 1968 )
  • Cruising With Benny & The Jets ( 1969 )
  • Tilde ( ~ ) ( 1969 )
  • You Can Do That On Stage But Will Probably Be Shot By a TV Servant With Humble White Hair, Humble Glasses And a Humble Brown Suit If You Do, Vol. 5 ( 1969 )
  • Who do we think we are? ( 1969 )
  • Who do I think I am? ( 1969 )
  • Who aren't I? ( 1969 )
  • 69 ( 1969 )
  • Uncle Meat ( 1969 )
  • Aunt Meat ( 1969 )
  • Cousin Beef ( Heart ) ( 1969 1/2 )
  • Smooth Gravy ( 1842 )
  • Hot Rats ( A.K.A. This Album Is Just One Huge Jam Session ) ( 1969 )
  • We're Only in it for the Cock ( 1969 )
  • Wakka Chewbaka ( 1969 )
  • The Grand Wazoo ( 1970 )
  • The Grand Wazoo, Part 2 ( 1970 )
  • Roasted Sausage Hamburger ( 1970 )
  • Trout Mask Replica ( 1970 )
  • Back with the Mothers ( 1970 )
  • Lumpy Gravy Train ( 1971 )
  • Betcha Can't Play This ( 1971 )
  • Weasels wanted to Scraped My Skin! ( 1972 )
  • Mogumbo Fury ( 1973 )
  • Joe's Bondage : Act 1 ( 1973 )
  • Shut Up N' Play Yer Guitar ( 1974 )
  • Shut Up N' Play Yer Guitar Some More ( 1975 )
  • The Return of Shut Up N' Play Yer Guitar ( 1976 )
  • The Son of the Return of Shut Up N' Play Yer Guitar With Your Titties Of Beer ( 1976 )
  • The Arrival of The Cousin Twice Removed of The Niece of The Father of The Friend of The Bondage Mistress of Yer Guitar At The Return of The Shut The Hell Up N' Play It Or I'll Make You Eat Yellow Snow
  • The Illinois Enema Bandit Rams it up Don Pardo's Poop Chute ( 1973 )
  • Sheik Tit Babe ( 1977 )
  • Sheik Yertittiez ( 1978 )
  • I'm Probably More Talented Than Clapton And Hendrix Combined ( 1978 )
  • ...And More Fluid Than Jeff Beck to Boot ( 1978 )
  • Shake Your Booty, Sheik Yerbouti ( 1979 )
  • I'm Very Much Like The People In This Audience Here Tonight ( 1979 )
  • Make A Jazz Noise Somewhere Else ( 1979 )
  • Instant Genius ( 1979 )
  • Stensel Town Massacre ( 1979 )
  • Child Vipers ( 1980 )
  • Cheap Thrills ( 1980 )
  • Witch Arriving Too Late to Save a Sinking Ship ( 1982 )
  • You Is What You Are ( 1983 )
  • Very Cheap Thrills ( 1983 )
  • A Man´s Utopia ( 1983 )
  • Thing-phish ( 1983 )
  • I Named My Daughter Moon-Unit ( 1983 )
  • Cupcake Man ( 1984 )
  • Grown Mongeese/Grown Mongooses
  • The son of Sister Obdewlla-X meets the Brain Police ( 1984 )
  • The return of the son of the grandfather of Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane-Cow-Hoon.
  • Should We Joke Whilst Creating Musical Composistions?( 1984 )
  • Rats in Heat ( Hot Rats ) ( 1984 )
  • Frank Zappa Plays The Music of Frank Zappa in a Tribute to Frank Zappa ( 1985 )
  • Who Was That Man In Nirvana? ( 1985 )
  • I Believe Kurt Cobain Was The Man In Nirvana ( 1985 )
  • "Peaches En Regalia" Played 8 Times In 8 Different Time Signatures ( 1986 )
  • It's Really Hard To Be Funny
  • Jazz From Iraq ( 1985 )
  • If You Censor Me I Will Be Come More Powerful Than Ever Thought Possible ( 1986 )
  • If You're Frank Zappa ( 1986 )
  • The Worst Band you Ever Heard ( 1990 )
  • Not Ahead Of Their Time: Behind Their Time ( 1993 )
  • Not Ahead Of Their Time: In Front Of Their Time ( 1993 )
  • Bläther ( 1999 )
  • The Deficiency Bell ( with Pink Floyd ) ( Yesterday )
  • The Return of the Brother of the Son of the Uncle of Shut Up n' Play Yer Guitar ( Today, 2:12 PM EST )
  • I Really Need To Quit Making So Many Albums ( 2006 )
  • Or Not! ( 2006 )
  • The Sounds Of Zappa And The Mothers Of Monkey Lovin ( 2006 )
  • Jimmy Carl Black The Indian Of The Group Act 1-12 ( 2006 )
  • Shit, I'm Dead!
  • Oh Wait, Suzy? Suzy? I'm Alive! ( 2007 )
  • Freak Out! Again ( 2007 )
  • You Must Buy This ( 2007 )
  • The Grand Wazoo Pt.3 ( 2007 )
  • More Weasels Have Ripped My Flesh ( 2007 )
  • You Burnt My Weeny Sandwich! ( 2007 )
  • Live From The White House ( 2012 )
  • Harmonica Fun ( 2012 )
  • One Size Chafes All ( 1975 )

Boxes[edit]

  • The Original Masters Well Not Really Vol.1 ( 1987 )
  • The Original Masters Well Not Really Vol.2 ( 1987 )
  • The First Four Albums From Well We Don't Know Sometime From The 1600's ( 1989 )
  • QuANTUm PhYSICs ( 1999 )
  • Broken Hearts Are for Assholes ( 2001 )
  • Ïñ Çrü§hëd Vëlvët ör Lëäthër ( 2001 )
  • Ancient Audio 9 ( 2001 )
  • Another Fucking Box Set ( 2002 )
  • Ancient Audio 1 ( 2002 )
  • Ancient Audio 2 ( 2002 )
  • Ancient Audio 3 ( 2002 )
  • Ancient Audio 4 ( 2002 )
  • Ancient Audio 5 ( 2002 )
  • Ancient Audio 6 ( 2002 )
  • Ancient Audio 7 ( 2002 )
  • The Trash Can Tapes Vol. 1: The Basement ( 2003 )
  • The Trash Can Tapes Vol. 2: The Basement Below The First Basement ( 2004 )
  • The Trash Can Tapes Vol. 3: Smells Like Tuna And Stuff ( 2005 )

Note[edit]

Saying you "love Frank", "He invented everything creative in modern music", and that "He was a true spokesman for freedom of speech" are considered prerequisites for "Being Really Cool" as well as being a Psudo-Intellectual in over 500 American campuses and non-corporate coffee-houses.

Taking the "edgy" stance to the contrary is pre-requisite for admission to the Something Awful Forums, where you can be ultra-ironic and fashionably un-hip with all your fashionably average friends.

If you do not like Frank Zappa there is a high chance that you will be shot to death while on the toilet by Uncle Meat and Willie The Pimp.

See Also[edit]

Lithuania