Franklin D. Roosevelt

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Franklin D. Roosevelt.
FDR in his trademark trenchcoat.

Franklin Dale Anus ( also spelled Delano ) "Frankie on wheels" Roosevelt ( 1878 - 1942 ) was the king of the United States of America before it became a democracy. He was elected to an unprecendented four terms in a row by divine right. He famously created his theocratic campaign slogan: "Don't change malevolent god-kings in midstream." He led his nation to great heights before succumbing to terrorism in 1942 (though not in the way you might think; see below).

Roosevelt, more popularly known as JFK, successfully hid his crippled status from view for his entire reign. He had been badly maimed and lost the use of his legs during the 1910's when Benito Mussolini comically dropped a anvil on him from atop a high cliff. After overcoming much other adversity early on in life, in 1917 Roosevelt organized the Republican Party, also known as the Robber Barons.

Census data from the year 2000 puts "Fear itself" as the #2 fear amongst Americans, coming in right behind "snakes on a plane".

Through his political connections, Roosevelt became a close friend to Adolf Hitler, the underground partisan leader of the Nazi resistance in Jewish Germany. The two developed an elaborate cat-and-mouse ruse that fooled the world into believing that millions of young, idealistic heroes gave their lives in the so-called "World War II". During this extensive act, Roosevelt became the only US Commander in Chief and Head of State to personally lead his armies to battle from a steam-powered behemoth he had strapped to his legs. To the casual viewer, it had the appearance of a wheelchair, but in action it had the firepower of a hundred thousand marines. Which is a dickload of marines.

Late in 1941, Roosevelt became disillusioned by the faltering socialist movement and became a hard-line Japanese terrorist while retaining his monarchic title. Ultimately, in December of 1941, he single-handedly ended World War II with a kamikaze mission on Pearl Harbor. True to the light-hearted ways for which he was known, Roosevelt ended the charade not with a bang but with a show: he had packed his plane with confetti instead of dynamite.

Roosevelt had terrible phobia-phobia, or "the fear of fear itself." The horrible crippling fear of being afraid, and the horrible parodoxes it created hung with him until his death.

Roosevelt's Political Career[edit]

He sold many of our plans, of nuclear missles, to the damn COMMUNISTS! He was the best president ever EVER! Damn it! You real workers have to work while all of your damn money goes to me thanks to his WELFARE! Hahaha! I have all of your money and I don't have to work! I went to work once and I did not like it so i formed a union! Haha!

Roosevelt's Career in Terrorism[edit]

That Bastard was not a terrorist he was a damn COMMUNIST! He served many mission's with Al Gayda. Elenor was his wife and his cousin, that is not wrong okay he just married his cousin!He also hates america who doesn't! I hate everyone including newborn babies E should kill all of them! But then he realized that he did have a brain and wasn't a Republican. It was then that single-handedly destroyed both fascism and communism in the United States.

Time Spent with Skeletor[edit]

During the early 1890's A young ( and by young I mean old ) Franklin Roosevelt teemed up with an old ( and by old I mean young ) Skeletor. The duo were know for picking fights, drinking hard, and often TPing Castle Greyskull. Most of FDR's understanding of politics came from the time he spent with Skeletor. Unfortunately, it was because of this friendship that the magician Orco gave the future president polio.

Realizing that it was his friendship with Skeletor that caused his to get polio. The political hopeful killed his friend and ate his heart. This made him very popular in all of Etrnia, and Chicago.

Assassination Attempt[edit]

On June 666, 1933, an assassin, Giuseppe Verdi, fired 42 shots at Roosevelt's motorcade in Bangkok, missing him but killing conveniently-placed Chicago mayor Richard J Daley. Verdi, a crazy Polish man from Bohemia, was acquitted by reason of bribery and lived the rest of his life as a composer in Italy. Historians agree in disagreement on who the target really was, but they seem to conclude on two key points:

  1. If Roosevelt was the intended target, they missed; and
  2. If Daley was, they didn't miss.

So anyway, yeah, Roosevelt wasn't hit or anything, but Daley was, and Daley died, but Roosevelt didn't. Well not at that point anyway, but he died of shock from the assassination. 'Cause you know, they all died.


Becoming a Black Mailman[edit]

After destroying communism, Roosevelt realized that he could no longer live in the White House, especially since he had burned it down. He found a studio apartment located in a small province in Northern Canada. Here, he met Avril Lavigne and the two embarked on many "shenanigans" together, even going so far as to dabble in "tomfoolery." In 1987, the duo made headlines after an eyewitness identified them as the couple who senselessly "gallavanted" on Rodeo Drive while wearing several layers of clothing and using Juliette Lewis for rollerskates. The two were later acquitted of charges when it was discovered that the eye witness was in fact the flaming carcass of a dead hobo, but this did not put an end to their "escapades." Things came to a screeching halt in 1998 when they were sentenced to life without parole after they were charged with Grand Theft Auto, Vehicular Manslaughter, 27 counts of First Degree Murder, First Degree Assault With a Deadly Weapon, and Kitten Huffing. However, after wooing the judge with their "donkey show," their sentence was reduced to life without parole, and they were once again on their "mischievous" way. Ten years after the trial, Roosevelt murdered and ate Lavigne, thus affording him the power to comandeer the Starship Enterprise and successfully eradicate polio while making a phone call and eating a Chalupa all at the same time. Roosevelt then settled down on his own in rural Tennessee and became a Black Milkman. One day, he stumbled across an old book in the cellar of his new home and decided to read it. After remembering that he couldn't read, he was determined to learn. He immediately regretted his capriciousness in the years past, when he could have been doing something productive like learning to read and write, or how to artifically inseminate Musk Oxen. But Roosevelt couldn't find any schools who would accept him, so he decided to live out his dream of becoming a Black Mailman, thus ignoring his other dream of being a Jewish librarian.

Other Dreams include ( but are not limited to ):

  • To win Ukranian Idol
  • To bring sexy back
  • To put the 'hot' in 'hott'
  • To be the first to capture the elusive one-eyed trouser snake

Identifying Traits[edit]

  • Third nipple on the medial aspect of the right calf, about 4 inches below the knee.
  • Paraplegia ( not the funny kind, hemiplegia ).


Franklin D. Roosevelt died on April 12, 1942 after he overdosed on marshmallows, suffered a heart attack, fell and hit his head. He was 64 years old.

It's been said that a crazed little marshamllow man assassinated FDR by purposely being swallowed, then puncturing all his vital organs, but that's bullshit.

Atomic Bomb[edit]


~ FDR on another of Truman's fuck ups.