Franklin Pierce

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Franklin Pierce.

Franklin Pierce ( November 23, 1804October 8, 1869 ), was a noted booze hound who somehow "handomed" himself into the American presidency. Known for his studly good looks Pierce's reputation is only a notch above complete crap by having served between Millard Fillmore and James Buchanon. He could drink like a mo-fo and was the first president named Franklin. He also served in the house, senate and made the big career no-no of expressing support for the Confederacy and then dying before having a chance to spin his way out of the statement.

Early Life[edit]

Franklin Pierce was born in some town in New Hampshire. The people of that state thought so much of him they flooded the site and made a lake over it. His father, Mr. Pierce, was his father. Mr. Pierce's wife, Mrs. Pierce, was Franklin Pierce's mother. He has seven or so brothers and sisters of which no one is ever to speak.

Military Career[edit]

Pierce was a general in the Mexican-American War where the U.S. took a bunch of land from Mexico and the Mexicans wished they'd put the resources into building a big wall to keep the Americans out. During the battle of Pinto Frijoles, Pierce was thrown forward on his horse and smacked his sack on the saddle horn thus earning himself a medal and commendation for bravery when he refused to be taken off the battlefield. It is said that the high pitched squeek of his voice could be heard over the din of battle.

Adult Life[edit]

As an adult, Pierce did all kinds of stuff but none of which involved murder. He drank a lot. Eventually the people got tired of him passing out on their doorsteps and sent him to Washington. It wasn't only because he was a sloppy drunk, but because everyone thought he looked "presidential" which means he didn't look like Millard Fillmore.

Presidency 1853 - 1857[edit]

Pierce's presidency was a disaster and should not be mentioned. Although it made him famous, Pierce often referred to his four years in Washington as "A big freakin' waste of my time and the country's time." The biggest issue facing Pierce was Slavery in which he made his most famous utterance...

"Slavery? What's that now?"

Eventually he ignored into passage the Kansas-Nebraska act where everyone went to Kansas and killed each other over whether Kansas should be a free state or a "charge by the hour" state. He also engineered the purchase of a chunk of land from Mexico that we should have just taken during the previous war or at any old time we felt like. Instead we plunked down $10 million which we will NEVER get back.


Post Presidency[edit]

Pierce spent his post presidency wasted. Occassionally he would write letters to Confederate President Jefferson Davis in which he bitched about the North and drew naughty pictures of Abraham Lincoln. These letters and drawings were published and after that everyone referred to Pierce as "Old Fuckhead".


King of the Little People[edit]

Pierce talked to things that weren't there. Andrew Johnson, who didn't know Pierce, said "That's the damndest thing I ever heard" but he may have been talking about something else.

Death[edit]

Eventually after all that drinking Pierce's liver said "To hell with this shit" and quit on him. Pierce died in his bed, an empty brandy glass in his hand. Just before expiring Pierce looked up at his good friend Nathaniel Hawthorne and said "Jus' wan moar... pleeze." Hawthorne was distracted looking through the numerous empty bottles lying all over the place for when he found one and turned to fill Pierce's glass the ex-president was gone.

Post-Death[edit]

Occassionally Pierce rises from the dead and goes to a bar and gets slammed.

Famous Quotes[edit]

"Damned Saddle horn. I never saw it coming."

"Slavery? What's that now?"

"Jane, how do I get off this crazy thing. Jane!"

"There's nothing left to do but get drunk."

"That shit Fillmore took all the TP."

"Dear Mr. Davis. I love you and the South. Hate the North." ( Note to Jefferson Davis )

"Lincoln is a doo doo head." Another note to Davis accompanied by a picture of a naked Lincoln riding a cow.

"Jus' wan moar... pleeze."

"FUCKIN' TITS!"