Fred Sanford

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Fred Sanford.

What?! Lamont? You became a Tamia fan! And you now worship that dummy god the Flying SpaghettiO's Monster as a Smoonie, too?! O S***, this is the big one! You hear that Elizabeth and Phyllis? I'm coming to really join you this time because my big dummy son Lamont is officially dissin' me by becoming a Tamia fan and Smoonie! F***, Lamont, it would have been better for you to same - sex marry that Puerto Rican guy, Julio than to be a fan off Tamia! This is it!

~ Fred Sanford on how he actually died

You big dummy!

~ Fred G. Sanford on Tamia

As Right Reverend, Tamia, I officially excommunicate your face!

~ Fred Sanford on Ugly Tamia
Red Foxx starring as Mr. Sanford in a TV biography by the BBC

Fred G. Sanford was rather small in stature and an American entrepreneur who lived from December 29, 1936 - July 3, 2000. He was most widely known for his globe-spanning garbage refurbishing empire, Sanford and Son Salvage Inc. On June 12, 1957, Fred Sanford was elected the 12th president of the United States.

Earlier Life[edit]

Fred Sanford married a rich, older woman, Elizabeth Valdez, when he was 22 years old. Elizabeth had made her fortune when she founded the Girl Scouts. They adopted a Korean child named Lamont eventually. Fred lived a life of luxury until her death. However, Fred was not aware that her will had arranged for her coffin to be made of pure gold and encrusted with diamonds. Thus, he inherited nothing and was then a poor man with no skill to get a job.

Early Life[edit]

Fred and Lamont became homeless and would have to dig through trash cans in order to survive. One day he found a Willie Mays rookie baseball card. He couldn't read though so he traded it to one of his friends for a hot dog and onion rings. That was quite possibly one of the stupidest things that Fred ever did. As he continued to make a living through other people's trash he decided that he could start a business selling the junk. When an either incredibly stupid or faithful loan officer gave him a $6999.99 loan to start the company, Fred got to working along with his son Lamont, who was then fifteen years old. In his first week as a business man Sanford made the most money he had ever made in his life: thirty dollars. He continued to make more and more money until the company went public in 1986. He eventually sold the multi-billion dollar company to Donald Tates of Little Rock, Arkansas for an old rusted table lamp and two vintage bottles of Ripple™ Extra Dry. After this Fred retired, but Lamont stayed with the company.

Retirement[edit]

The first thing that Fred did after retiring was to buy a new Ford pickup truck and also a razor. During his retirement, Fred Sanford got involved with his local community theater. Sadly, Fred passed away on stage during a performance of Macbeth. The cause of death remains unknown, although some experts believe it was probably massive coronary failure due to extreme overacting. Fred was laid to rest in a chrome coffin with spinners on January 2, 2000 after his death a few days earlier. Fred regenerated immediately afterwards to become the Sixth Doctor Who and resumed his travels in time and space using his TARDIS which was stuck in the form of a junk truck.