Freddie Mercury

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Freddie Mercury.


Queen Freddie[edit]

Freddie MercuryFreddie was "normal" to say the very least, and "freaky-deaky" to say something more accurate. Upon entering the band, he promptly took over, demanding that it be re-named "Queen" after himself, and that he be renamed "Mercury" for astrological purposes. In addition to their previous emo songs, Freddie slipped in an inspirational song entitled "Keep yourself Alive", a song about Jesus (Who wants to bet only blue link on page? Anyone?), and several songs based on RPGs he was greatly fond of. The album entitled "The Queenly Queen" turned the head of Jack Chick, who was torn on where Freddie's allegiance lie, making songs about both Jesus and RPGs. In the end, Chick decided to judge based on whether Freddie was homosexual or heterosexual. Jack Chick went in to hiding and still does not know to this day.

Queen's next album entitled "Queen the Second" was entirely about RPGs. The fact that it sold better than anything Brian May had put out before effectively gave him a mycordial infarction, preventing him from working at all on the third record, which Freddie entitled "Sheer Heart Attack", in May's honor. The album was another surprise hit, mostly surprising for May, who, when he returned had no idea what weirdness had occurred in his absence. The other 3 would not tell him, later saying they didn't even remember.

Then there was the problem, even though Queen was selling better than they ever did before, it was still less than minimum wage. Not to mention the King of England was still on Brian's tail!

  • Canned Laughter*

In an attempt to save himself, the band attempted one final stand at the Le Opera Populaire, playing for tips, singing such songs as "Death on Two Legs, (Dedicated to The King of England)", another emo song "Love of my Life", the John Cage tribute "'39", and finally "God save the Queen", a 100% improvised extended guitar riff.

Booed offstage, Brian May broke down into tears. Finally, with the King's royal guard just behind them, forming into a firing squad with the intention to blow them away as soon as the audience ran out of fruit, May inspired them all to take every ounce of emo they had left into one final goodbye song, so they could at least go out like Dimebag Darrel.

Their final emulsion of emo was quickly entitled "Bohemian Rhapsody", for lack of a better title.

The magical combination that resulted from May's desperate guitarisms, Taylor's falsetto background singing, Freddie's magical singing voice and lyrics, and Deacon's managing to fight off the firing squad backstage for the full 5 minutes, shook the audience out of their bitter apathy and actually impressed people. The song convinced the king to call off the hit, and inspired him to become a queen himself! Ecstatic about being a star and not being killed, Brian May wrote a song on the spot called "We are the Champions", which he sang on a loop for the rest of the night, with the audience following for every minute. From then on, all of Queen's songs became about pwning people, buying hookers, and being millionaires. The new outlook attracted an amazing number of new fans, until Freddie Mercury died...

...Yeah, that sucked.