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Funk Mold.jpg
Magnified Funk Spores
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Mushruumus
Phylum: Getdownus
Class: None
Clique: Band Nerds
Style: Relaxed
Origin: Funky Town

What is Funk?[edit]

Funk is a type of mold common in nearly all parts of the world. It is very versatile, able to grow on nearly any surface including human beings, and it is nearly invisible to the naked eye in its natural state. Like other molds, it tends to grow in warm, damp areas and prefers the dark. Locker rooms, armpits, and hippies are common breeding grounds of Funk.

That Funky Smell[edit]

Funk, while invisible, can be easily detected. It gives off a strange and pungent odor that many find deeply unpleasant, although no two people describe it in quite the same way. The only substance that emits a similar odor is stank, which of course is commonly believed to be a mixture of equal parts sex and Patchouli.

Junk in yo Trunk[edit]

Funk went unstudied for many years until the noted scientist James Brown and his assistant George Clinton, desperate for grant money to spend on beer and hookers, ( the eventual destination of all grant money ) did an in-depth study and found that the mold takes on some incredible properties when concentrated and mixed with one part groove. The funky odor vanishes, and the mixture takes on a opalescent sheen.

When taken by a human ( or most other mammals ) refined Funk has much the same effect as the natural hormone mojo. Effects include increased dancing ability, proficiency with a bass guitar, and the ability to keep a beat going. Prolonged use of Funk has additional effects, including being a snappy dresser - although it is important to note that overdosing on Funk causes you to dress like a circus clown on crazy juice.

If you don't treat funk correctly, this could happen to you.

The Dangers of Funk[edit]

In addition to the aforementioned fashion related dangers, the primary concern with Funk is that it can be highly addictive and, when combined with other substances, incredibly harmful. See the entry on Baron Von Funk for some examples of the ways in which this natural resource can be misused.

An indirect problem is that the factories that refine Funk give off the trademark funky smell, which can cover a surprising area. The plants in New Jersey and Tacoma are the prime examples, as they were built before stricter Funk-control legislation was passed and cause everything within twelve miles to smell funky.

While Funk is legal in the United States, it should always be used in moderation. If you or someone you know is addicted to Funk, contact the Center for Funk Abuse for more information.