Garfield

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I'm a fan of Garfield

~ Phyllis Hyman
Garfield is a commercial product. Obvious, but just to warn you if you first came to love him throughout the 1980s.


Garfield is this fat fuckin' lazy son of a bitch whose bloated ass appears every day in the comics section of a small newspaper located in Apache Junction, Arizona. He doesn't appear in any other newspaper, anywhere on Earth, although he does appear in several newspapers published on Mars. This orange piece of shit is beloved by children, the elderly, and dead people, along with various retards, assholes, and perverts.

The comic[edit]

Look below.

Style[edit]

The cat, Garfield, usually gets into some hilarious antics that are not funny until the sarcastic remark in the last panel. This is where people laugh. One assumes.

Art[edit]

The art in Garfield is very minimal, usually just the same exact frame of Jon and Garfield sitting at the counter ( actually just a line ) with bored expressions on their faces. This strip is drawn by a committee - that's how much work this stuff takes.

Garfield has not suffered from the newspaper industry's tendency to shrink newspaper comics down to nothing. There's really nothing to shrink and most of the art can be filled in by the reader's imagination, which is likely to be more interesting and varied than anything that's been drawn for the last decade in "Garfield".

Writing[edit]

Garfield's writing style is of such mind-stunningly awesome quality that it could only have been written by committee. And it is! Get a load of the writing quality in a standard Garfield strip:

So AAAAAAAAAAmazing!

Wasn't that amazing? This encyclopedia just made that up in about three minutes and it's representative of the quality of most Garfield strips. Remember the old days, where Garfield would stick snow down Jon's pants and throw Nermal out the window and get lost or attacked by zombies?

Those days are gone. The world has asploded and is now a counter, and Odie only appears in Sunday strips.

Characters[edit]

From Garfield's sex tape.

These are what the characters are:

  • Garfield: The title character. He's a cat. He's fat and sassy. This is hilarious. He supposedly likes to eat plates and plates of lasagna, which must make Jon's litter-box cleaning sessions hell.
  • Jon: The human who supposedly owns Garfield, but it's really like Garfield owns him! This is hilarious! Also, he's a depressed loser whose only aim in life is to find female companionship, which he is unable to do, which is also hilarious.
  • Odie: He is a dog, and dogs are stupid. This is hilarious.
  • Nermal: He (Yes, it's a MALE! I know, I was totally freaked out when I found that out too) is another cat, and has the opposite personality of Garfield's. This is hilarious. Garfield often puts him in a box and mails him to Abu Ghraib.
  • Wade: A duck who wears a strange inner tube around his waist with a replica of his face that mimics his own facial expressions. This is kind of frightening. But it's also hilarious! What's more frightening is that he's from another comic strip.
  • The Overmind: The Overmind is a planetary sized octupus/plant which can ( and will ) destroy every living creature on Earth, except fat orange cats. This is AAAAAAAAA!|hilarious. Thus, Garfield is chosen to be our planet's represantative in the Great Trial Of Every Living Thing in the Universe
  • Lyman: Jon's "roommate" who mysteriously disappeared, presumably kidnapped by Al-Qaeda. It is rumored that he hid a lot of drugs in his bushy mustache which he had smuggled from Colombia. Which is hilarious. It is also rumored that he got so high one day that he wandered into the Amazon jungle and was eaten by wild boars ( [citation not needed; as this is absolutely true] ).

History[edit]

AAAAAAAA AAA AAA.

Garfield was started up in the 1970s by master terrorist Jim Davis. He had decided that bombing people wasn't a disastrous enough way to bring about misery to the people of the world, all of whom he hated with the strongest fervor. For one thing, it drew too much attention to himself. Also, it had a very limited scope: he could only kill a few people at a time, which was certainly not an effective way to make the whole world miserable. Therefore, in May of 1972 he officially announced his resignation from the National Terrorist's Guild. For several months afterward he sat alone in a cold, dark room thinking of a way to more subtly hurt people.

Finally, after much speculation, he realized: there was nothing he could do. He was just a sad, lonely man whose pathetic attempts to change the world would always fail. Depressed, despondent, sad, and unhappy, Davis considered suicide many times but never quite got around to it. Instead, he channeled his frustration into his art. This mostly consisted of drawings of a decaying cat corpse. Some believe that he had suffocated the cat because it wouldn't sit still, but many say that he had merely found it while out on a casual afternoon stroll through the prairie.

You can tell it's all about sex, right?!

The comic comes alive![edit]

Eventually Davis decided that he liked doing his cat drawings so much that he might as well make a living of it. The first cartoon, in which the cat was named Hitler von Zipperface, was drawn on a sweltering winter night in October of 1974. As can be expected, the cartoon was nothing like what eventually became popular. No copies of it survive but witnesses describe it as a mass of confusion involving murder, sodomy, and pedophilia. Gleefully, Davis sent it off to United Universal Press Features Syndicate Incorporated and a Half expecting them to offer him a lucrative comicking contract. ( At this time he thought it was called "comicking" for some reason. ) Not only did they reject him, but they periodically called him up to alternatively laugh at him and call him a disgusting freak. What happened next is a mystery, but two theories have been suggested.

Theory 1[edit]

Angered, Davis decided to fight back the only way he knew how: with explosives. Unfortunately, at least for him, while he was preparing the happy little bomb to send off to the syndicate, it went off in his face. It seems that he was so out of practice with bomb making that he forgot that you're supposed to put the one thingamajig into the other thingamajig and tape the whatsit together. What a dork. He was promptly arrested and given a sentence of six months in a hospital bed. When he got out, it was clear that the brain damage resulting from the accident had made him a completely different person: happier, less angry, more likely to pet cats than to murder them. It is with this outlook that he began his new family-friendly comic strip, and the syndicate ate it up like so much chocolate-covered sushi.

Theory 2[edit]

This comic is better than Garfield

Angered, Davis decided to fight back the only way he knew how: with sarcasm. He angrily drew several cartoons in the stupidest, most family-friendly way he could manage. This included giving the cat human features, the idea of which he hated. Filled with anger, he sent these to the syndicate with a note saying "I bet this is the kind of shit you'd publish, you [[Cock|cocktwaddlers!" The syndicate was delighted with the improved cartoons and offered Davis a contract immediately. Davis was at first annoyed by his ironic success but then, several seconds later, he embraced it and began doing more inane comics with the same totally bland type of humor. Eventually he forgot about his hate of the world and became horribly bland himself.

Stuff that happened in the middle that no one cares about[edit]

It gets pretty boring after that. The comic slowly became a huge success, dwarfing any previous hopes Davis had had had for affecting large amounts of people. He also became really freaking rich. Bastard. Along with the comic there were tons and tons and tons and tons of merchandise, which made Davis an even richer bastard. At one point there was a TV show which caused children to shut up for a few minutes, as well as two recent movies which were universally hated by everyone who wasn't stupid or Bill Murray, or both.

Mental breakdown! Wheeeee![edit]

After many long years, as well as short years, of steadily climbing success for Garfield ( but not for Garfield, because things just remained the same for him at all times. Can't have character development in a serial, can we? ), as well as... uh, where was I? Anyway, nothing much happened with the comic for a long time and Davis got very very bored. You cannot fathom how bored he was! Just try. I dare you, motherfucker. There's no way you can conceive of the intense boredom of Jim Davis during this period.

All that boredom has to go somewhere, doesn't it? After a while Davis sank in to a deep-ass depression. The syndicate was very sympathetic to this and put Garfield on a six-month hiatus, during which comics from the beginning were printed. Fans loved this, because fans are STUPID STUPID STUPID. Yeah, you heard me! After the hiatus, however, Davis still wasn't feeling up to doing anything so a new company, called Paws, Inc. due to a part of anatomy unique to cats, was founded to take over the creation of Garfield. No one noticed the difference. Ha ha. Take that, Davis.

Are we at the part about the mental breakdown yet? Damn, this is taking a long time. Okay, so after Paws, Inc., took over, Davis felt that he was losing control of his strip. At this point his depression turned to fear, fear turned to anger, and anger turned to the Dark Side. In an angry rage of anger not seen since his angry terrorist days, Davis began drawing twisted versions of his comic and sent them to the syndicate to be published. He forgot, of course, that they censor everything that comes near them. The comics were intercepted, and then Davis got better and they all lived happily ever after. The End.

Controversial Relationship with Alf[edit]

In late October 1993, Garfield was pictured in the tabloids with former TV star Alf on vacation together at a beach in Delaware. At the time it was rumored that the two were an item, and this issue remained unconfirmed until a 2004 interview with Alf, in People Magazine which Alf stated "We were wildly in love, I mean, some couples have sex a lot, but saying that about Garfield and I would be understating it". Garfield's publicists replied with a no comment. He has yet to address this issue.

Books[edit]

  1. Garfield Gets Fat: His First Book ( 1980 )
  2. Garfield Becomes Increasingly Obese: His Second Book ( 1981 )
  3. Garfield Has Indeed Become Downright Huge: His Third Book ( 1982 )
  4. Garfield Weighs In: His Fourth Book ( 1982 )
  5. Garfield Can No Longer Fit Through The Front Door Of His Double-Wide Trailer: His Fifth Book ( 1983 )
  6. Garfield You Fat M*th&r [email protected]%r Get The Hell Off My Face: His Sixth Book ( 1984 )
  7. Garfield Relinquishes His Diet In Favor Of Savory Sweets: His Seventh Book ( 1985 )
  8. Garfield Pigs Out, More So Than Usual: His Eighth Book ( 1986 )
  9. Garfield Gains 30 Pounds In 30 Days: His Ninth Book ( 1987 )
  10. Garfield's Forced Jazzercize Routine: His Tenth Book ( 1987 )
  11. Garfield Discusses Eating Disorders Perpetuated By A Weight-Obsessed Culture: His Eleventh Book ( 1988 )
  12. Garfield Damn You're Fat: His Twelfth Book ( 1989 )
  13. Garfield Goes Into Seclusion: His Thirteenth Book ( 1989, republished 2002 with epilogue )
  14. Garfield's Weight Declared "Illegal" In Mexico: His Fourteenth Book ( 2002 )
  15. Garfield Sues McDonalds: His Fifteenth Book ( 2003 )
  16. Garfield Joins Live Aid in Quest To End World Hunger: His Sixteenth Book ( 2004 )
  17. Garfield Blames Everyone Else For His Weight Problem: His Seventeenth Book ( 2005 )
  18. Garfield And Congressman Keller Cosponsor The Personal Responsibility In Food Consumption Act: His Eighteenth Book ( 2006 )
  19. Garfield Fat Again And Loving It: His Nineteenth Book ( 2007 )
  20. Garfeild Worships Satan: His Twentieth book ( 2007 )
  21. Garfield Takes a HUUUUGE Crap and Odie eats it: His Twenty-First Book ( 2008 )
  22. Garfield Tries Random Prescription Medicine To Try And Lose Weight: His Twenty-Second Book ( 2008 )
  23. Garfield and the Goblet of Fat: His Twenty-Third Book ( 2009 )
  24. Garfield Wins "World's Fattest Cat" Competition, Doctors Give Him 2 Months To Live: His Twenty-Fourth Book ( 2010 )
  25. Garfield Gets Liposuction: His Twenty-Fifth Book ( 2010 )
  26. Garfield and the Anorexic Kitty: His Twenty-Sixth Book ( 2011 )
  27. Garfield Breaks the Scales: His Twenty-Seventh Book ( 2012 )
  28. Garfield Robs A Dunkin' Donuts: His Twenty-Eighth Book ( 2012 )
  29. Garfield Gets Liposuction: His Twenty-Ninth Book ( 2012 )
  30. Garfield Puts the All-You Can Eat Diner Out of Buissiness: His Thirtieth Book ( 2013 )
  31. Garfield takes a huge shit: His Thirty-First book ( 2014 )
  32. Garfield and Dick Cheney go on an Eating Binge: His thirty-second book ( 2014 )
  33. Garfield and Jabba the Hutt go on an Eating Binge: His Thirty-third book ( 2014 )
  34. Garfield and the 649-ple bypass surgery: His thirty-fourth book ( 2015 )
  35. Garfield trys crack, but quits because it causes appetite loss: Hist thirty-fith book ( 2016 )
  36. Garfield Learns to Drive: His thirty-sixth book ( 2016 )
  37. Garfield Discovers He is Officially Too Heavy to Cross Some Bridges: His thirty-seventh book ( 2017 )
  38. Garfield Goes to War, Part 1: His thirty-eighth book ( 2017 )
  39. Garfield Goes to War, Part 2: His thirty-eight-and-a-halfth book ( 2017 )
  40. Garfield Cannot Fit Inside a Sherman Tank Anymore and Receives A Dishonorable Discharge: His thirty-ninth book ( 2018 )
  41. Garfield Uses Some Plastic Jaws of Life to Free Himself From His Cat Door on Three Separate Occasions: His fortieth book ( 2018 )

Stray Comics ( pun intended )[edit]

Most of the comics created by Davis during his mental breakdown were destroyed. However a few survived, and may be viewed here for your pleasure.

Garfield clean.png Garfield agressive.png Garfieldstrip3.gif GarfieldwangV2.gif Garfield eating Jon's shit.gif Garfield 7.png Garfield that'snotright.png GARFIELD1.png Garfreakeld.png Garfield i will rape you.png GARFIELD2.png Garfsecks.PNG Garfvortex.png Longer5jg.png Jon.png Garfieldcomic.jpg


Amusement Park Rides[edit]

The suicide booth

A ride at Kennywood park, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, is dedicated to this comic strip. It features a boat ride taking you through a tediously long tunnel where 3D images of the comic come to LIFE! This is the most unpopular ride at the park, and for good reason. Even though very few people ride it, there is a long line, because people mistake it for the fried dough booth. These people end up riding it and then using the conveniently located suicide booths right outside the queue.

Fandom[edit]

Garfield's fandom, at this point in time, is made up of stupid children between the ages of 5 - 15, Bill Murray, teh furries, and American adults with no sense of humor. You know, the people who made Scary Movie 4 the #1 movie at the box office upon release.

|One of the main differences between the people who love Garfield and the people who hate Garfield is, the anti-Garfield people seem to be able to type in English. Not so true for the majority of the pro-Garfield people, who tend to type in Internets ( and sometimes Leet ). Try this example of a comment from a Garfield fan:

"GARFIELD ROKZ. saying garfield sucks is like saying"

What makes this one even stupider is, the Garfield fan was a triple-poster. This is the last of his three posts, so don't expect an ending to his statement. Although one can assume he meant to say something sensible, like "Saying Garfield sucks is like saying Ann Coulter is a giant ****."

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Garfield.