“There's a little bit of God in everyone of us - except them, and especially not they!”
~ The Luffer on God
“There is no God”
“There is no anonymous”
“I like God because he doesn't move.”
“For my sake!!”
~ God on being stressed
God is a guy that can fly around the universe and can make awesome omelettes. He also brings presents to children every year on December 25th (oh wait, that's the Easter Bunny). He is half wombat, half human, half squid, half nightlight, half sourdough bread. God is also Dog spelled backwards.
He's so great that he owns five swimming pools! And a holy template!
God's themesong, to be sung whenever his mighty presence is felt, is as follows:
All together now!
- GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD
- He can fly in the sun
- GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD
- He knows how to have a lot of fun
- GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD
- If you sneeze he will die
- GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD
- He will eat you with his claw of doom
God's Creationy Process
It all started in the first week, that God created by the way. God and some other all powerful beings like Buddha, the Easter Bunny, and the Flying Spaghetti monster, and toast......lots and lots of toast were playing a card game. He got in a fight, since ya know He is a compulsive gambler and all and just lost to the Toast. He wanted to show them up so he decided to create the universe and all who in habit it. SO it goes like this:
- 1st day: God created the air, the sea, land, realized He should make land first so He made land THAN the sea. Afterward He made things like birds, dogs, cats, and Pokemon. But than He decided to put the Pokemon in there own world hence them being put underground 'til He made Gameboy Cartridges. After that He just wanted to sleep so....
- 2nd day: He slept 'til noon woke up and just made a midget He called man than "ripped out" a rib and gave the midget a girlfriend. There names were Adamus and Eevee. But He legally changed there names to Adam and Eve. Than He made a place for them to eat and live which He called Atlantus. But once again changed His mind so He went through the paper work and made it into The Garden Of Eden
- 3rd day: God made more land and more sea, more birds, catfish and dog fish, and rock 'n' roll which He kept to himself 'til about the time of Jospeh. Than He unleashed him into the world and Josph made Sweet Child 'O Mine, Stairway To Heaven and so forth and so on.
- 4th day: He slept in AGAIN and decided to turn back time to the morning and spent all day making Law and Order. Yes, God himself made the TV show as He liked it.
- 5th day: God realized 5 days in a week are too short so He made 2 more.
- 6th day: God went for a stroll in Atlantis....I mean The Garden Of Edem, chatted with the midgets, ate some fruit, watched soccer which He just invented, drank water which He invented, and made hamburgers which He DIDN'T invent. Adam made those for Him in order to suck up and try to get a big screen TV for him and the wife. God gave him a 4 by 4 foot one.
- 7th day: He rested like no other God before Him rested. Which actually NO other God before Him had rested. But little did every one know He made butter that day. So that man could one day eat The Toast and all of his offspring. Sweet, Sweet Revenge. Plus He made a Gameboy so he could play with his Pokemon. He loves his Pokemon. Especially Bulbasaur.
What People Think of God
However, some people are in love with God. Each night, they complain to him and ask him to do stuff for them (because they believe he has time to listen to them). Some even listen to boring lectures about him in church.
About a zillion years ago, some dude wrote a huge book about him describing his adventures. Of course, God knows it's all lies. But the people don't know that, so they read the book, only to find out that Snape kills Dumbledore at the end of it. Oops, that was a spoiler, wasn't it? Oh well, I just saved you about 5 bucks.
On January 8th, 2010, GOD wrote a letter to mankind, that said:
- Hey There, how, how's it going?
- Long time no see.
- I know I haven't been around much lately
- But...it didn't seem like you wanted me to be
- The last time I sent down a message you nailed it to the cross
- So I figured I'd just leave you to it, let you be your own boss
- But I've been keeping an eye on you, I have,
- and it's amazing how you've grown.
- With your technological advances and the problems you've overthrown,
- And all the beautiful art you've created with such grace and such finesse,
- But I admit there are a few things I'm afraid have impressed me less.
- So I'm writing to apologize for all the horrors committed in my name,
- Although that was never what I intended,
- I feel I should take my share of the blame.
- All the good I tried to do was corrupted
- when organised religion got into full swing,
- What I thought were quite clear messages were taken to unusual extremes.
- My teachings taken out of context to meet the agendas of others,
- Interpretations taken to many different ways and hidden meanings discovered
- Religion became a tool, for the weak to control the strong
- With all these new morals and ethics, survival of the fittest was gone
- No longer could the biggest man simply take whatever he needed
- 'cause damnation was the price if certain rules were not heeded
- Some of the deeds committed in my name
- just made me wonder were I went wrong.
- Back at the start when I created this, the foundation seemed so strong.
- See all the elements were already here, long before I began,
- I just kind of put it all together
- I didn't really think out a long-term plan.
- I made the sun an appropriate distance and laid the stars across the sky
- So you could navigate the globe or simply watch the sun rise
- I covered the earth with plants and fruits,
- Some for sustenance and some for beauty
- I made the sun shine and the clouds rain
- so their maintenance wasn't your duty
- I tried to give each creature its own attributes
- without making them enveloped
- I gave you all you all your own space to
- grow and in your own way space to develop
- I didn't know such development would cause rifts and jealousy
- Cause you to war against each other and leave marks on this planet indelibly
- You see, I wasn't really the creator, I was just the curator of nature
- I want to get something straight with homosexuals right now: I don't hate ya
- I was a simple being that happened to be the first to wield such powers
- I just laid the ground, it was You that built the towers
- It was You that invented bombs, and the fear that comes with them
- And it was You that invented money, and the corrupt economic systems
- You invented terms like just-war and terms like friendly fire
- And it was You that didn't know
- when to stop digging deeper, when to stop building higher
- It was You that exhausted the resources I carefully laid out on this earth,
- And it was You that even saw these
- problems coming but accredited them little worth
- It was You that used my teachings for your own personal gain
- And it was You that committed such tragedies,
- even though they were in my name
- So I apologize for any mistakes I made, and when my words misconstrued
- But this apology's to mother nature, cause I created you!