“Roses are black, violets are purple, I'm so depressed, I need a tissue!”
~ Seagull on a Random Goth Woman
This group of creatures were among the loosely-termed Germanic peoples who disturbed the Roman Empire until its fall, and who inhabited most of the Iberian Peninsula. During the Muslim Conquest of Iberia, when much of the Peninsula came under Islamic rule by 718, the Goths began to settle other lands by a process known as globalisation. When they migrated around the world they were met with great displeasure and they soon formed small, isolated pockets of social groups that interact on a wide-scale basis mainly via internet message boards ( known as blogs ) and internet "journals". Similar to the common boy scout, they wear ridiculous attire, but suffer from an acute allergy to sunlight ( similar to the western breed of office worker except for the piercings and dark-hued eye shadow ). They are unusual because they believe they are ugly on purpose ( rather than just plain ugly ) and that choosing to not conform to the popular "crowd" ( in their beliefs, clothes, music ) can be best demonstrated by conforming to a different, smaller crowd of people instead.
Goths are interested in various things. They include death, faking suicides/pregnancies, eating bats and babies, teabagging people, gathering to dance badly and laugh at "mundanes", and pillaging Roman settlements ( just like Evil Pizza ),as well as doing nothing all day, being an ass, and of course wearing stupid outfits.
Goths seem to subsist on mold and bacterial infections around piercings, as well as clove cigarettes. The typical female of the species can consume amounts of food equivalent to her own body weight daily, while the male eats less than an average human male child. This accounts for the scrawny appearance of the average goth male and the morbidly bloated look of the average female ( but this is "average": some goth women are as thin as the males. )
Goths are a lot like emos,but they cry less. Goths also like burning churches for no reason, drinking blood and listenging to children of bodom or deadstar assembly in Graveyards. This is where the also find a large amount of their food and like to mate.
Best conditions are found in a dry dark room with an internet connection, listening to The Cruxshadows, Christian Death, The Cure or other upbeat music and a thick plastered coating of eyeliner and purple, red or black hair dye. If you are lucky, you may spot a goth at your local cemetery distributing roses and taking morose photographs on the tombstones of people they don't even know. Often goths are found in their parents' houses, making crappy poetry. This poetry always references:
- Do not complain about how depressed/lonely you are and how no one could ever be as depressed/lonely as you
- Always has the words Rainy, Soul, or Miasma; possibly all of them
- Optionally, reference obscure mathematics or physics theorems.
- Refusing to believe in any god that believes in self-righteous idiocy and blind following. Contrary to popular belief, most goths are not satanic.
The Visigoths are a particularly geeky subclan within the goth community, visible mostly due to their invention of VisiCalc in the year 8080BC. The name "visigoth" is actually a combination of the words "visible" and "goth", probably due to the fact that visigoths are visible instead of Invisible like Invisigoths. The secret to their visibility is that they actually eat food instead of just pretending to drink blood like their stupid crappy regular goth brethren, and the food causes them to actually have enough body mass to be seen.
Poser goths are goths who spend their lives posing in various positions. Some will sit still for hours at a time causing many people to mistake them for statues. Others often pose for short periods of time as if posing for a photograph, only often there is no camera present.
Remember that other poser goth article? That was jsut a rant from some guy that remembered the 80s? Why don't we bring that back?
Their women won't come near you.
Many goth chicks are obsessed with photography and being photographed and will willingly remove clothing and strip naked in the presence of anyone appearing to take pictures with an expensive camera, in the same mistaken belief that this is "modelling" and not pornography. They will also demand that they upload the picture on Deviantart under a title like "Despair", "Guilt", or "Dusk".
Goth chicks will spend months making dreads, corsets, and other clothing for one event. They have been known to spend thousands of dollars on one pair of boots. Goth chicks share a common trait with all women in that for any event of n hours in length, they will take at least 2*n hours to prepare, dress, and get made-up for it.
Fat Goth chicks are very common because since they are fat they want someone to give them attention, because they know they cant get any. Fat goths make up 65% of the total goth chick population and are most often posers. The hot 35% won't touch anyone who reads Uncyclopedia ( wtf ), as they prefer twats who like The Cure. Many goth chicks also make false claims about them being lesbians; this is also known to get them attention.
Goth chicks, under the Convention of '83, must flock to you and sex you upon your utterance of the words, "Nice boots. Wanna fuck?" In fact, this is the time-tested method for goth reproduction; otherwise the fad would've died out in the early 1990's at the Grunge Revolution.
Many computer programmers, system administrators, BOFHen, and technical support representatives wear black and listen to goth music. This is a form of recovery from having to answer stupid questions from lusers and bosses. After a long day of dealing with clueless n00bs whining because they can't get to their Internet pr0n and coping with Microsoft bugs and BSODs. Hanging with the goths and hearing them talk about killing and putting down normals is stress relief.
They've also worked out that wearing black and listening to goth music is a good way to get a sxxy deth chyk girlfriend who will use Linux drunk while wearing a corset and nice boots. This actually works.
Many computer geeks gravitate to the goth scene as many goths are secretly furries, science fiction fans, Trekkies, SCA members, anime fans, artists, comic book fans, or gamers and are therefore part of the geek hierarchy. This is because goths are not allowed to make fun of any other goth who likes these things. Seriously. ( Except for furries ). In addition, computer geeks like to take advantage of the stereotype that goths are prone to going postal as a way of keeping lusers away and avoiding being asked to fix your computer or unclog your Internet tubes.
Computer Geeks also developed a language all their own known as L337.
Satanists are a mythical subspecies of Goth, most frequently reported outside of Washington, D.C. The name Satanist is actually a misnomer, as they actually don't worship Satan...unless they are Theistic Satanists. Supposedly opposed to God, or Linux, they are reported to wage a constant battle against the Knooks of Vancouver for the fate of Poland Spring. Satanists are known for loving children, animals, babies and goats. Like other species of Goth, their appearance is described as follows: Males are tall, lanky, human teenager clad in black; Females are similarly clad. According to most common legends, they prefer to eat the duodenums of goats and drink liquefied gopher poison. There has been a known case of at least one of each of them dying at the hands of a proclaimed Satanist. Satanists often are drawn to live in caves, as this protects them from the rays of sunshine, sent from God.
The subculture is based on those who love themselves and do his bidding. It was from this practice that the concept of 'tentacle rape' came in, due to the fact that god is sometimes turned on by tentacles making sex to women. The truth, however, is that every time it was completely consensual because god used his mind control powers on them.
Satanists can often be found doing volunteer work on Christian holidays such as Christmas and Jesusdeathmas ( also known as Easter ). They can also be found helping at homeless shelters preparing food such as hobo stew, piss poor pie and mush. They usually smell like old fart, but when newly washed, with OMO Colour( tm ), they may have a faint scent of new fart.
Goths are a favourite target of the Ned monkeys of Scotland. While not actually consuming their goth victims, the Neds will encircle them and attempt to counter their depression with skillful debate. Goths also suffer at the hands of the happy-unicorn-sticker. These monsters attack Goths mentally, occasionally causing them to smile. Goths are, however, vastly superior to the subform of life known as "Neds" or "Chavs" and will soon be responsible for the eradication of said sub-species.
Why are goths bisexual?
The common misbelief that all goths are bi is not true. That's emo kids. ( Interestingly enough though, this is only applies to the male; all known female goths are either bisexual or lesbians. ) Goth kids, however, are normally attracted to anything in black, whether it is male, female, or in fact a panther. By the time their drugs and booze wear off, they are in shock that they slept with the same sex - normally leading to angsty posts on message boards claiming they are bi. Some ( read as "all" ) goths wear makeup; whether it be a poor attempt at leap-spooning, an unbridled approach at post closet angry homo angst - or just because all the cool goths are doing it - the simple truth is that. Another fact is that any "male" goth that has a "female" friend is really a male, and vice versa. Unless, of course, that the guy pretending to be a chick is actually a girl pretending to be a dude. Help! Goths are confusing.
Why goths are not emos: A comparison
In order to show the differences between these two often confused species, presented here is a list of comparisons of the two groups.
Goths: "We're not like them, our anguish is real... They're a bunch of wannabes listening to Marilyn Manson and cutting themselves, okay, I cut myself, but that is to express true pain."
Emos: "We're not like them, our anguish is real... They're a bunch of middle-class kids who dress in black. Okay, I am middle-class, but I only to dress in black to hide my self-harm wounds better. Oh, and it expresses my true pain."
Goths: "I'm bisexual and I don't feel my biology should impose on how I define my gender. If you criticize me in any way, it definitely means you didn't understand me. I'm an individual."
Emos: "I'm bisexual and I don't feel my biology should impose on how I define my gender. I cut myself because no one understands me. I'm an individual."
Goths: "Why do you immediately assume that, because I paint my face to look like I'm weeping black tears, impose anemia on myself, lock myself in my room writing pseudo-philosophy and/or poetry on Livejournal all the time about how my sexuality and gender confuses me and how my daddy doesn't understand me, have an obsession with silver Catholic symbols despite being agnostic/pagan/wiccan and like cults and death, I must be sad?"
Emos: ""Why do you immediately assume that, because I paint my face to look like I'm weeping black tears, impose anemia on myself, lock myself in my room writing pseudo-philosophy and/or poetry on Myspace all the time about how my sexuality and gender confuses me and how my daddy doesn't understand me, have an obsession with silver Catholic symbols despite being agnostic/pagan/wiccan and like cults and death, I must be sad?"
- Goth reaction to an insult by a prep: pull out a knife or other assorted weapon and chases down the insolent fool and dismembers him.
- Emo reaction to an insult by a prep: pull out a knife or other assorted weapon and cuts himself because he can't take the insult.
See? Entirely different with no overlaps. One has to ask how this confusion emerged, one really does.
A goth has a special language called "Iamasatanisthearmeroar" and if you were to translate two goths in conversation speaking this interesting yet mortally annoying language you might hear either of the following:
-"Let's do rituals in my basement tonight and say weird shit like 'I love satan blah blah blah'"
-"What blood type are you?"
-"did you see that corset at Hot Topic like omg it would look soo good and goth on me"
-"where's the nearest liquor store?"
-"let's go back to my place and use linux drunk and have mad hot lesbian sex and have no idea what happened the next morning"
- "Stupid ass motherfucker I'm going to rip your motherfucking eyes out and eat them in front of your face"
- "Give me your soul"
- "Stupid motherfucker I'm going to rip your motherfucking eyes out and eat them in front of your face"
- "Give me your soul"
- "I'm not a fucking emo I should fucking shoot you"
Gothic sign language on the other hand is very different: if a normal person points at their wrists it means "do you have the time?" or they're just flashing silly gang sign at your face, you loser! But as I was saying... If a goth were to do this it would mean "wanna see my cuts?" or "I want your blood."
Here is a list of Popular Gothic sign language and their meanings:
-Points to head:
-Spreads their legs ( goth lesbians ): "come n Git Meh YU hoTt STud Youuu..." or "I like girls and I am very horny!"
-Lifts hands in the air: "I am a psycho bitch goth lesbian and I have nothing better to do than rant in jibberish and wave my hands in the air like some kind of crazy BITCH!"
-Goth passing out on the floor: well, this doesn't really mean anything but I does show that she obviously had too much to drink and used linux all night...
- Willy Wonka
- Vladimir Putin
- Gomez Addams
- Atilla the Goth
- The Ghost of Rozz Williams
- Ivan the Terrible, during his teenage Goth phase