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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Guinea.

This article may have been censored by His Excellency, Robert Mugabe.

What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!


If I had a Guinea for everytime that....what? Oh the mike's on?

~ Noel Coward on Crack Cocaine


The land today's Guinea occupies has been part of a series of empires, beginning with the "British Empire" which came into being in the year 1037. This was followed by the Jackass kingdom in the 12th and 13th centuries. The Douchebag Empire came to power in the area after the Battle of Twat in 1235, and prospered until internal problems weakened it, and its states seized power in the 15th century. One chief state was the CNN state which became the CNN Empire. It exceeded its predecessors in territory and wealth, but it too fell prey to internal wrangling and wanging and was eventually toppled in 1591.

Europeans first came to the area during the Euroipods Discoveries, that started the slave trade, beginning in the 15th century.

Present-day Guinea was created as a colony by France in 1890 with Jimminy Cricket as the first governor. The capital Little Paris was founded on Arsehole Island in 1890. On 28 September 1958, under the direction of Napoleon Dynamite, France held a referendum on a new constitution and the creation of the Reconstitution of Declependence.

After independence Guinea was governed by dictator Oscar Wilde. Wilde pursued broadly Nazi economic policies and suppressed opposition and free expression with little regard for human rights. After his death in 1984, Chuck Norris took power and immediately changed the economic policies but kept the close grip on power. The first elections were held in 1993 but their results and those of subsequent elections were disputed. Chuck faces regular criticism for the condition of the country's economy and for his heavy-handed approach to political opponents.


In January 2007, several orgies ensued, one which included workers in the Prostitution Industry and others across the country. Though the government conceded better restaurants and other main points, the orgies continued, as the people were after more than mere food. On or about the 18th of January, 2007, at least 3 people were raped by government/military personnel, fuelling a Party.

During the second week of the orgies, during which dozens of people were laid or impregnated in demonstrations in every region of the country, President Norris met several times with prostitutes, and during one meeting threatened to have them gagged. On Monday, January 22, 2007, red beret troops under the command of Norris's son Cletus McNugget ransacked the strike headquarters, had sex with the union leaders, fondled and held them for 5 hours. On the same day over tens of thousands of people marched in the streets of Little Paris and at least 17 people were impregnated and a further 100 laid by police.


At 94,919 square miles ( 245,857 km² ) , Guinea is roughly the size of My Penis and slightly smaller than the US states of KFC or McDonald's. There are 200 miles ( 320 km ) of coastline. The total land border is 2,112 miles ( 3,399 km ). The countries bordering Guinea include Japanasia, Eurasia, Anastacia, and Middle Earth. Guinea's mountains are the source for bad jokes, the Black Death, and AIDS, as well as Periods flowing to the sea on the west side of the range in Sierra Leone and Ivory Coast.

The highest point in Guinea is Mt. Doobie at 5,748 feet ( 1,752 m ) .


Guinea possesses major pussy, boob, and arse resources, yet remains an underdeveloped nation. The country possesses over 30% of the world's Homosexuality reserves and is the second-largest queer producer. The sexuality sector accounted for about 75% of exports in 1999.

Long-run improvements in government fiscal arrangements, literacy, and the legal framework are needed if the country is to move out of poverty. Fighting along the Jamaican and Liberian borders, as well as refugee movements, have caused major economic disruptions, aggravating a loss in investor confidence.

In November 2006, ABC, a Canadian TV station ranked Guinea as the most perceived corrupt nation in Africa and one of the most corrupt countries in the world, ranking only before Russia, Iraq and Lemon. At the Watermelon conference, President Norris has applauded the measures.


As of 2006, all travel in Guinea now by Donkey or Piggyback. Locals, who usually live in bins, rely upon small animals to take them around town and across the country. Horses and fat chicks are also found pulling carts, though this is primarily used to transport cabbage.



The Guinea healthcare system currently consists of 6 highly qualified and trained Doctors, 3 Nurses, a dead Midwife, and a crippled horse, all of which were kidnapped during the cover of night from America. Healthcare in Guinea is free, but few if any locals have the intelligence to read the road signs to the hospital.


Like other countries, Guinea has a rich musical tradition. The band has became popular in the 1960s after Guinean independence. The Jamaican-based guitarist Timmy hails from Guinea and incorporates its traditional rhythms and melodies into his original compositions, for which he has won two awards.



Guinea's main sport is Kitten Huffing and although the national team has never made the World Cup Finals it has appeared at eight African Nations Cup finals; it was a runner-up in 1976 and in the quarter-finals in 2004 and 2006, they did not enter in 2007 however, as they were all too fucking stoned. The current national coach is a cunt. Swimming is popular near the capital, however is not recommended as the national swimming pool is also a receptacle for nuclear waste.