This article pertains to Scottish things. It is suggested that while reading this article you wear a kilt,
drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Aud Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. Lads and lasses, Alicia Keys is part Scottish!
A haggis tree is the legendary birthplace of the first of all haggi. Haggis, coming from the Latin word "haggus" (meaning small brown thing that tastes like shit and sandals), grew on the highest branches of this benevolent Scottish tree. Any Haggis trees that may have existed were destroyed in the devastating Sheep Wars of 1710 - 1834, which led to the clearing of the vast land continents of Narnia, Scotland, Australia and Old Zealand. It was subsequently made illegal to harm a Haggis Tree in the Haggis Protection Act of 1782. If you find a haggis tree, you are very lucky, as it is the source of the freshest haggis ever, and it spares you the trouble of having to chase a dangerous and deranged haggis around the Scottish highlands.
Origins of the Haggis Tree
According to the old Scottish legends, the haggis tree was created when a sheep got really drunk one day and tried to fuck a tree. According to some variations of the story, the sheep got pregnant and gave birth to the haggis tree; in other variations it was the tree that was impregnated. Either way, the haggis tree was born, and all trembled before its amazing haggosity. It is said that a haggis tree should be watered with Scotch; however, this was rarely (if ever) done, as Scotsmen never waste their Scotch Whiskey.
Proper Care for a Haggis Tree
Should you find a Haggis Tree you should water it weekly with single malt Scotch Whiskey. It takes a brave or foolish man or lassie to pour away such fine amber nectar, and is often too much for most Scottish people to handle. You will also need to sacrificing a small goat to the almighty god of haggis to ensure a good harvest. You must not cage a Haggis Tree, as you may take its life but never its freedom, this can have numerous unpleasant results such as anal bleeding, a haggis famine, or Welshmen.
Harvesting your Haggis
In the fabled tales of Mad Alistair MacLoonie the he shook the haggis loose by banging his head against the tree. The resulting brain damage help him forget that he look like Catholic schoolgirl. If you're too much of a wee little lassie to harvest yer haggis the traditional Scottish way, by headbutting the tree, you can use these alternate methods:
- Climb up the tree, try to grab the haggis, lose your balance, and fall balls-first on a branch, as the McHaggis clan did.
- Tell a haggis that you're rooting for an English football team to beat a Scottish team. According to the Scottish tradition of football hooliganism, it will jump off the tree to attack you.
- Enlist the aid of the Loch Ness Monster using you magic whistle ring.
Due to the rarity of such legendary "Haggi Trees" (from whence the first Haggis originated) most Haggi are now born in hillside burrows. These can be seen by anyone fool hardy enough to want to climb a Scottish mountain. Haggi, however, are very shy and only breed on the top of the tallest Scottish mountains in the mist, whist it's raining, at night.