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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hair.

Hair! Glorious hair! as the famous song goes.

Where would we be today without the fabulous fabtraption that is, and forever shall be, hair?Let's start at the beginning, shall we not?

The beginning of time[edit]

Humans, as you know, are born mostly bald. Time, however, was born with a full head of hair, as was Bob Ross. The epic battle between Time's hair and Bob Ross' hair rages on to this day.

The beginning of hair[edit]

Jesus hands out free samples of hair during one of his greatest miracles
Brian posing with one of his pretty guitars. Have you ever seen such a huge booming hair?

Hair was first discovered in 1418 BC by Jesus Christ. He used to carry around long samples of hair tied together, and glued them to his face to form what he called a "beard". The Bible actually recalls the event when Jesus produced masses and masses of hair from a basket for his flock to wear, to the delight of many children. Some believe that this may well be where hair as we know it began. Sterling Ader

Of Course pubic hair had been discovered earlier as it fell out of the tree of knowledge.

What the hell is on Cody Whary's head. Is that hair? I'm pretty sure I used something like that to clean my floor.

Hair throughout history[edit]

Eddie's Humboldt County Sheriff's Department ID number is: 84023 Eddie wears a Geronimo Jackson shirt. He claimed that it is his father's old shirt.

A full view of the Geronimo Jackson T-shirt ("Further Instructions") (promotional still)

Hair has always played an important part in history, be it Hitler's moustache, ZZ Top's beards, or Tom Jones' chest wig. Wars were fought over the price of hair, and many countries were left crippled and freezing when hair supplies ran short.

Many famous films have featured hair, such as "Star Wars Episode 9 - The Emperors' New Hair" and the famous Abba song Tragedy was written about the time when the one with the beard dropped it down the toilet pre-performance, and refused to go onstage.

Joey Burns' hair is considered the best hair in the world. A recent survey done in a physics class has declared him most likely to have a birds nest in his hair while being chased by apes looking for a wife.

Jews have been known to have lots of hair. Long curly sideburns seem to be a trademark of the Jews.

Washing your hair?[edit]

Many people think it's necessary to wash their hair with all kinds of different stuff like aloë vera, but according to Pieter Jan there is only one product available for solving all your hair problems; Peanut Butter. Peanut butter can help with all types of hair problems, such as hair cancer, hair herpes, and random hobos taking a shit in your hair.
Apparently the Egyptians used urine to wash their hair and eyes.

Dykes usually don't wash their hair very often, if they wash it at all. The opposite is true of men, however. It is said that any man who washes their hair every day of the week must love the donglorz.

homophobia is the first sign of homosexuality, and being a Baldy especially if you have cancer.

Hair today[edit]

Hare, not hair. Get it right.
Here, Pat And Mick, demonstrate some modern hairstyles for us at a recent Dæmonica photo shoot.

Today, hair is used as an insulator and/or to cover unsightly scars on the head, the arms and legs, and the pubic area. It is occasionally seen on the back and chest, though only in women.

Black hair is the most undeniable proof that someone is purely evil. It is usually found on 12th level demons and germanic tribesman, as well as on Dogmen and cavemen.

It is used extensively in the wool industry, as the current Sheep Strikes continue on unabated. Therefore, it is not uncommon to see news reports of old relatives being carted away overnight by hair rustlers, so that they may be stripped of their ears, and the soft luxurious fur within.

Hair may sometimes also grow on lawns.

Gone tomorrow?[edit]

Hair stocks are rapidly being depleted. Current scientific predictions show that hair may be extinct by the year 2011. Don't worry though! Plans to create synthetic hair, are already in place, in the north pole, where the hair is blossoming on the hair trees that grow beneath the ice cap in Hidden City owned by Santa, and could be in full swing by the year 2017! HAIRTREE

The Future of Hair[edit]

Contrary to popular belief hair has its own DNA. Over the last hundred thousand years, far before you were born, it has been mutating without the consent of the head. There are many millions of different species of hair yet they all seem to be able to travel from one being to the next. Pick up a cat, hold it near, and suddenly off comes some hair. Getting it off of the shirt is a pain -- why? The hair evolved to have a locking mechanism just like that. As hair continues to evolve we can predict the following advancements in the hair race:

  1. Stronger hair - in future Soviet Russia, Hair combs you!
  2. Wireless hair - in the future, thanks to wireless technology, hair will be able to grow in ad-hoc across different animals
  3. Independent hair - hair will evolve into a species of plant.

A random slashdotter had this to say in response:

   "I for one accept our new hair overlords."

The sun and Hair[edit]

The sun has a quite a good effect on hair when it's exposed to it. Just like the skin, your hair becomes much darker. If you are out in the sun a lot, specially between 12 am and 3.30 pm, your hair might even go black. This will save the goths and metal people from dying their hair black all the time, they just have to be out in the sun. Taking sun in a solarium is a good way to fool your hair to think that it's the sun, although your hair might fool you back and become white instead of black, so that you'll look like an old person. Although you have to watch out for hair cancer which can be extremely dangerous, it may make your hair become extremely big and wide, so you get an afro haircut. But don't fool yourself afroguys and girls, it also hurts your brain, it goes in through the root of the hair and damages your brain with the almighty sun to hair flu.

Before and After[edit]

Everyone looks better with HAIR! Each picture has been touched up with a magic marker to show before and after:

So, as you can see, added hair makes anyone look good. Except Palmolive.


Head lice are lovely little creatures which live in your hair. Head lice prefer clean hair, so if you never wash your hair and frequently roll around in dirt then you have nothing to worry about!

If, however you do get head lice, the best cure is to dip your whole head in a large bucket of petrol and hold for 4-6 minutes, next, light a match and hold it to your hair for instant hair removal. Warning Some burning may occur.

Pubic lice, or crabs, are obtained through urinating constantly.

Nice watch, Baldilocks

How would Homer Simpson look with more hair? DUH. Oh...I meant D'OH!