Heart

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Heart.
If your heart looks like this, you're a horse which has been dead for seventy years, and you should probably consult a veterinary mortician

Function[edit]

An accurate depiction of how blood flows through the chambers of the heart.

Blood flows throughout the body, just as my soul flows throughout the universe. Wow. As blood flows through the heart, the heart heats it until it boils. This prevents your brain from freezing, though this can be cured by drinking slurpees, slushies or even icees. If you don't like this you can also blow weed

The heart is able to do this because it contains all of the love within the body. How sweet isn't it? This is why people in cold countries (such as Swedes and Eskimos) are such affectionate people, since if they stop loving they'll freeze to death. People from hot countries such as Mexico can afford to be less loving, which is why they won't return my calls.

Not to be confused with[edit]

  • <3. Heart is often confused with <3 because of its uniqueness, and similarity in shape. It has been proven fatal to combine, or even mention the two in the same sentence, as a chemical reaction occurs due to the makeup of the two elements combined.
  • ♥. ♥ Is also often tagged with heart in many instances, and almost an equal amount of times, it is as fatal as <3, once again due to the chemical makeup. It is also a common spelling error in 13 year olds.

Diseases of the Heart[edit]

  • Hypothermia. Caused by conditions of extreme cold or sometimes even X-Treem cold. The blood cools, causing the heart to become depressed and shut down. Treatment requires immediate heartwarming, such as Disney movies, or exposure to puppies.
  • Heart Attack. It is well known that Hearts attack their owners. If you happen to be attacked by your Heart, simply lie on the ground until your Heart gives up its attack. The Heart is said to be angered by red meat, cigarettes and alcohol, but it is usually triggered by tofu abuse. Cured with electric paddles. Cool, no?
  • <3 Attack. Happens when the two elements of <3 and Heart are combined in any way. Being twice as fatal as a Heart attack, a <3 attack comes without warning, at any age, at any time. A good way to prevent <3 attacks, is to not eat any amount of Cheerios, Brownies from any of your family members, or anything approved by the FDA, as these can come with lots of Heart, Love, or Heart healthy ingredients, and if mixed, is instantaneous, and fatal.
  • Angina. A good name for a girl. St Angina is the patron saint of TV cop shows.
  • Lonely Heart. Fortunately, it is considered to be better to be an owner of a lonely heart than an owner of a broken heart. Lonely Hearts generally cause their owners to become Emo. This is not recommeneded. The only cure is lots and lots of pepper. And masturbation, of course.
  • Broken Heart. Caused because girls have cooties. Damn you Kieren!
  • Grinch's Disease. A terrible condition in which the heart grows up to three sizes in a day. This can cause the lungs to collapse or in X-Treem cases, the chest can burst open like in Alien except instead of an alien out pops a heart. There is no known cure. Please give generously to the Grinch Foundation.
  • Gandhi's Syndrome. Also known as Mother Theresa's Malady, Osmondism,Jimmy Carter's Disease, or "Purity of Heart". Caused by excessive niceness, the patient becomes literally "all heart". With no ribcage for protection or stomach to digest food, the patient soon dies.
  • Heart/Spork Disorder. A rare condition, believed by Einstein to be caused by being brutally stabbed in the heart with a spork. There is no known cure. This is why I always keep a shotgun loaded, and never leave my shack. And draw hearts on my dog to prevent being attacked by:
  • Baracuda
  • Alone
  • Bad Animals
  • Give me a man until midnight (no, wait - that's ABBA)

Controversy[edit]

Recent meta-analysis of the results (Beanfeild - 2005) from the NFS funded research at randomly chosen twenty-five international university research labs, it correlate the existence of a heart with presence of heart muscles in the chest of test subjects. The result was immediately disputed by major American Christian groups with their main vehicle argument being the experiment was flawed in the form of experimental bias that framed the problem. Various grass root Christian labs sprung up overnight to fill the void and to provide their alternative and religion-neutral reexamination of this important human/mammal issue.

Appearance on the Small Screen[edit]

Heart played an understated yet vital role in the most watched television show in history, Captain Planet. No one really knew what his purpose was but he was definitely vaguely ethnic and smiled a lot.