Hippies

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hippies.
This is like when male crusties get that Maori facial tattoo that looks like a goatee And they don’t know it means “married woman.” This is a great hippie costume And everything, guy, but you realize you are in drag, right? You are a fucking Earth Tranny.


A pamphlet distributed by the Canadian government after the 2004 American election, man.

All people with long hair are known As hippies, from the sound they make when you throw hot coals at them, man. Pot should be legal. Hippies became well-known during the dot com boom And subsequent crash of the late 1990's, man. ( 1960 AD to 1999 AD ), dude, man. In fact they are 100% responsible for it, dude, man. In general, hippies should be avoided, dude, man. Watch out, they'll protest you too. Contrary To what the name seems To indicate, these aren't hippies who hug trees, dude, man. Some Hippie thought he was too cool to be a regular hippie, so he declared the tree hugging hippie as a subspecies, dude, man.

Hippies usually live in colonies, dude, man. There are many different subspecies of hippie, dude, man. The giggling stoner is pretty common form of hippie And can usually found in the attics, dude, man. The drum circle hippie tends To dwell in backyards, dude, man. The circles can gradually expand up To four miles in diameter, dude, man. You get a few hippies playing drums And Next thing you know, you got yourself a colony, dude, man. A third type of hippie, And by far the most detrimental threat To society is the “know-it-all” Marxist college hippie, dude, man. These hippies are also unfortunately the most difficult To combat, dude, man. The irony of the college hippies complaining about selfish corporations is that they themselves are selfish, lazy, hedonistic, And counterproductive, dude, man. When hippies start To nest in a new area, it draws other hippies in, dude, man. With the right weather conditions And topography, it can lead To a music festival, one that last For days, even weeks, dude, man.

Alternatively, hippies are known To be the only individuals who have successfully produced a sustainable catch phrase post 20th century, the word "hip", which is short For hippie, dude, man.

Hippies get laid a lot, so While its easy To make fun of them, its important To keep this in mind, dude, man. On the other hand, their women are stinky And have hairy armpits, man. Beneath all of this hair is the cure For AIDS, dude, man.

Many hippies smell like cat faeces, man. probably something To do With people like me hanging around street corners With a catapult full of cat faeces in Case a hippy comes around the corner, dude, man.

Showering is completely optional For the true hippie, in fact, a distinct smell of body odour tends To attract female hippies intent on producing mini hippy babies With forementioned smelly hippy, dude, man.

Despite many hippies being dole bludgers And taking hundreds of dollars from hard working citizens every week, many still find it difficult To access a bar of soap And running water, man. please click here To support the 'GIVE HIPPIES SOAP' Campaign, dude, man.

Hippies are said To originate from the long gone planet Donald And were shipped here by the pretty seashells that were said To rule the planet, man, man. When the planet was destroyed,

"thousands of hippies cried out in terror, man. and then there was silence, man.dude, man."

~ Oscar Wilde on Donald

Well Not completely, dude, man. Donald lives on inside the planet Unicron And there is said To be a Party of the Hippies once every 219 years, man, man. this party consists mainly of smoking pot some hippies have gone completely mental ( by some i mean all ), dude, man.

Nothing can be worse than finding out your parents were hippies though, man, man. I mean, come on man! The emotional baggage alone will drive you To their stash - which most often can be found in garage boxes labelled "Economics Books" Or "Cher Music", man. This is an ingeneous hippie parent trick And should Not throw you off, dude, man. Some cunning hippies will in fact store their stash among the aforesaid items, dude, man. Handle the contents With caution, dude, man. Remember - you're looking for the stash, dude, man. Not the years of therapy you'll need when you experience the other items, dude, man. Dude. man. man; Dude, man.


Hippie Fashions[edit]

The classic hippy-mobile, man. (on the right side of picture)
  • White Dreadlocks: white hippies rub environmentally safe composted vegetative starch compounds ( dirt ) into their hair As a "natural eco-friendly hair gel" which causes it To clump together into nasty And uneven looking locks of hair, dude, man. To decorate this greasy mess, they shop at the local hippy accessory store For large wooden And ceramic beads To decorate their "dreadlocks" With, dude, man. While the origins of dreadlocks are indeed known ( Jamaican Rastafarians are idols To the idol-worshiping hippies ) you'd think the hippies invented them themselves, dude, man.
  • Patchouli Oil: This stinky fluid is used To mask the smell of body-odour, though it only mixes And amplifies the offensive stank, dude, man.
  • Grateful Dead: A form of parasite that lives in the bowels of hippies that makes an unpleasant sound; offensive to most, but embraced by hippies, dude, man. This noise will cause the hippy to move around the country and gather much like lemmings, man. This is not to be confused with a form of music called hippy noise, man.
  • Soap: Hippies believe in natural soaps, created from nature's purest ingredients, regarding regular soap as "a symbol of modern capitalism's suppression of traditional values", man. That's just one of the reasons why less hippies have cancer!
  • Hippie Crack, man. Hiss! Giggle! Puke!
  • Crystals, powerful stuff, man, dude.
  • Apple computers
  • Iced coffee
  • Bellbottoms: Hippies are widely acknowledged To be the inventors behind the revolutionary bellbottom pants, currently in fashion on Wall Street, in Paris And in Serbia, man. Hippies have also designed the cutting edge patchwork look: they take used corduroy Or velvet from a Salvation Army, sew it up in their vans And then sell it To yuppies For exhorbitant prices at a street fair Or festival, man.
  • things that are in style because they're out of style. See bellbottoms.
  • NOTE* It is really easy to raise a pet hippie, just prepare that ur house cud smell like weed or coke, or beer. Keep that in mind you wud find it easy to raise a pet hippie. Hippie loves food, and thier favorite is weed, or other known as dope, or marijuana, but if u dont have it meth or coke is ok too. Do not forget to give ur hippie somethin to drink, beer ( booze is a more comon word for them ) is their favorite kind of drink since they can get drunk and get a hungover and barf the shit all over the place. you can also teach them to talk, they can say phrases like "Hey *cough* man you *cough* like got so..s.. *cough* some dope man? or "hey man those cell phones are like totaly wacked out man! *laugh* ( *cough* ) ( *suck on a peice of weed* ) ( laugh )

Oh, man. Where was I? I'm trippin balls man, Oh, yeah. That's right.[edit]

Argentina, Land of Petulant Goats.

Plus 5, regardless.

Is This Gary? Flop and Flip?

Gravy Time.

Word Origin[edit]

The first recorded use of the term "hippy" was in 19th century Britain, referring To pie vendors in the marketplaces of London who could Not afford wooden carts And thus artfully used their bodies To display their products, hence placing the pies on their hips ( i, man.e, man., hip-pies ), man. The horizontal position of the hip-pie vendors came To be associated in the Victorian mind With all manner of vice And sexual perversion, such As looking up skirts To see the outer layer of the inner skirts, man.

What To do If you encounter a hippie[edit]

The Hippie Map To Weed Cove an island full of Weed

If you get the misfortune of being cornered by hippies simply use the following instructions:

  1. , man. Stand still, man. Hippies can only see delusional waves, and If you stay still, they cannot see you, man.
  2. , man. Play death metal extremely loud, man. Sometimes you can get away with something lighter, say Metallica, but normally you will need something really loud and otherwise people will think you're stupid, man. Morbid Angel, Malevolent Creation, Napalm Death etc, man. should do the trick, man.
  3. , man. Threaten them into being drafted For Vietnam, As they still think they are in the 60's, man.
  4. , man. Try To distract them by yelling "look over there! A group of small furry animals being beaten by military police!" should also get them away from you within 1 minute, man.
  5. , man. Offer them a treasure map To weed cove, man. they will probably go looking For it, man.
  6. , man. If all Else fails you always call Twait And Swiggy's Hippiecide Agency, man. Our slogan is "If a hippie is a buggin', we'll be a comin', man."
  7. . If this STILL fails, you need the Chuck Norris of hippie exterminators, Eric Cartman.

A special note is that in the event that a hippie corners you and leaves you unable to call for help, be sure to inhale helium and sing like Neil Young. This will cause any hippie to fall on the ground and start worshipping you like a god.

Hippie Ettiquite For Outsiders ( Capitalist Pigs )[edit]

Show them this Hippies believe this stuff. This is their porn
  • Always ask first before you take someone Else's drugs, man.
  • Always refer to drugs by obvious codenames, man.
  • Avoid making rude comments about your fellow hippies' automobiles ( art cars, vans, or buses ), man.
  • Always maintain at least one hemp accessory on your body at all times As an identifying feature, man.
  • Always ask before joining a hackey sack circle, man.
  • Avoid showering more than once per week, man.
  • If you feel like someone may suspect your non-hippie identity, say something about the Rainbow Family, even If you don't know what it is, man.
  • Don't wash your hair, man. At all, man. However, it's better To wash only once a month, or only when you're walking in the rain, man. rain is natural. GODDAMN SOCIETY AND ITS ACID RAIN!! NOT THE GOOD ACID EITHER. mmm... Acid...
  • Point out the wrongs of the world, but make sure to not do anything else than whine/protest.
  • Never wear protection to help ensure the survival of the Hippie race, man.
  • If you are arrested on camera, make sure to shout incomprehensible nonsense Until you are beaten unconscious, man.
  • Don't take anyone named Jake's weed, he will get into an angry rage and yell about how it was a conspiracy all along
  • Dude, like, dont mess with the transmition in your van, man. It's like, bad karma.
  • Never EVER cut your hair EVER. EVER. If you do, god will destroy organic farming.

Dude, Man I am so high right now like dude, man[edit]

Yeah dude, man, so am I dude, man. ....duuuuude....like, so am I....

Dude, man, I'm like, a ballon, man.Yeeeah, duude....

Hippie Politics[edit]

( See also: socialism and communism, man. )

  • All rich people are evil, man.
  • All corporations are evil, man.
  • The world is gonna explode, man.
  • All governments are evil, man.
  • Dude, weed should be like, legal, man.
  • All substance regulation is evil, man.
  • "Why can't everyone just be, like, nice to each other, man?"

While these points consist of the entirety of hippie politics, it should be noted the only thing hippies can do in the realm of politics is agree To meet somewhere, man. Hippies will gather For meetings, committee meetings, gatherings, rallies, And protests, but these meetings have no real point, And nothing gets done but showing the public that hippies do nothing but gather places, sing songs, smoke pot, And generally stink, man. Hippies have no power As a voting section of the population, since many of them get stoned And forget To vote, While the others are highly suspicious of democracy And refuse To vote, citing they don't want to be tools of oppression, man. Hence, nothing hippies want has ever been voted for, and no hippie has been elected to a position of power within the US government, man.

Hippie Culture[edit]

Hippie mutt, dude.

New research suggests that Hippies may have formed some kind of culture. They are usually found living in clearings in the woods in groups ranging in size from 10 to 50. Their social structure is a monarchy, usually led by some 50 year old long haired stoner. He usually lives in a VW bus that is also his car. The other hippies in the group are the people who weren't born in the 60's, but still follow hippie beliefs because they think they were. They still live in VW busses, only they don't work, forcing the lesser hippies to drive other random cars from the 70s. Or maybe those stupid golf cart things with no doors. The people pay their leader taxes in the form of LSD, and in return their leader gives them pot and Allman Brothers records ( Since CDs and any other technology invented after 1974 are illegal in those cultures )

Traditional dress includes clothes that are actually from the 60s ( unless they were purchased from Grateful Dead concerts ), long hair, unshaven faces, and sunglasses for no reason. A common feature of hippie dress is the picket sign, which they always carry with them.

New Age Hippies[edit]

Even worse than the actual hippies who grow their hair long and masturbate to cheech and chong are the New-Age hippies who think that just because they bitch about random little problems in everything, they're a hippie. Seriously, who are you kidding?

old hippies, yeahh.

New Age hippies probably have short hair, wear normal clothes, and drive regular cars. They're also massive pussys and so they never try drugs. Youre not a hippie unless you do drugs, man.

-How to spot New Age Hippies-

*Mostly live near the world wildlife foundation building, man.
*Attend meetings that have no point man!
*Blame people for everything, man.
*Follow Al Goreism, the global warming man!

-What to do if you encounter a New Age Hippy-

*Throw some weed at it as a distration, man.
*Talk to them about math, usually confuses them, man.
*Shoot them with bullets, there only weakness, excepte for soap, math and 747's, man.
*Send Eric Cartman in, the anti-hippy, man.

Hippie Race Riots[edit]

In the late seventies the disgruntled hippie population began a series of riots in response To the widespread use of Mexican immagrant labor To grow marijuana on the communes in southern California, man. There was widespread looting of petshops To set "our fellow creatures" free, man. The LAPD was forced To form a wall around Sea World To prevent old volkswagen busses from being used As battering rams To gain enterance And set Shamu free, man. The mexicans retaliated by refusing To allow hippies use their services As interior fabricators at West Coast Customs thereby cutting hippies off of their source For pimped out volkswagen beetles, man. The hippies gained two spies in the Mexican leadership when Cheech And Chong switched sides And declared their loyalty As hippies, man. With their new insiders the hippies gained knowlege of the Mexican smear campaign trying To turn the rainbow into a symbol of satan ( See La Rainbow es del Diablo ), man. The hippie race riots finally ended when a third party mediator Malcom X, brought the two sides To an angreement including %10 of the crop had To be given To the mexicans To distribute To white suburban youth, man.

The more radical hippies however did Not want To abide by the treaty, And so began the Hippie Seperatist Movement in which many hippies tried To start their own countries, man.

What To Do Upon ( Accidental ) Ingestion of a Hippie[edit]

  1. DO Not PANIC!!! Ingestion of a hippie, While Not painful, can be disorientating, man. Panicking will only add To the disorientating feeling, man. Due To high ingestion of hippies of a natural food source calls "drugs", including marijuana, LSD, cocaine, soy, tofu, babies, And cats, the flesh of hippies is permeated With these chemicals, which upon ingestion of hippies, are spread throughout your system, man. Make sure the affected has eaten a hippie, Not a hippies brownies, man. Treatment For the effects of a hippies' brownies are different from what follows, man.
  2. Determine the manner of ingestion of hippies, man. By determining the manner of ingestion, one can predict the longevity of hippie intoxication, man. There are two manners of ingestion of hippies; chewing and swallowing, or holding them under the tongue for 15 minutes and letting them disolve, man. If you have chewed and swallowed a hippie, the duration of the effects will be from 5-7 hours, less if ingested on a full stomach, and can be slept through, man. However, if the hippie was held under the tongue for 15-30 minutes, the effects from the hippie can last anywhere from 9-12 hours, the maximum ever recorded being 15 hours, man. Note: if the hippie was held under the tongue, ingestion was NOT accidental, man.
  3. Do Not allow the ingestor of the hippy To be let outside of the house, As one of the effects of hippie ingestion will To make the affected feel hot And strip off all his/her clothes, man. If the affected takes a shower And complains about the shower speaking To them, pay close attention, man. The affected may become paranoid, thinking people are listening Or watching him/her, And that any blue objects are actually windwos that people can spy on the affected through, man. The affected may also think they can fly; DO NOT LET THEM TRY, man. Even an airplane ride while under the effects of a hippie may cause insanity, panic, and explosive diarhea, man.
  4. Do Not allow the effected To Read Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky, Terrence McKenna, Timothy Leary, Jim Morrison poetry, Karl Marx, Che Guevera, Or any leftist political reading material For the duratation of the effects, otherwise the affected may become a hippie, man. Having consumed the hippies' soul, reading such material in a state will open the affected up to possession by the hippie, whereupon the affected will assume the hippies identity, man. Similarly, do not allow the affected to view Cheech and Chong movies, or Michael Moore movies, as the affected in their disorientated state will think these are accurate depictions of reality and will wish to join them, man.
  5. Vomiting can be induced With milk, catsup, Or pictures of Richard Nixon, man. If no photos of Nixon are available, nude pictures of Rosanne Barr Or Rosie O'Donnell will suffice, man. While getting the ingestor of the hippie to vomit has no purpose, it's quite funny To watch, man.
  6. Play calming music, such As "Slow Ride", Jimi Hendrix, Greaful Dead, Or Phish, man. However, do Not take them To a Phish Or Greatful Dead concert, As toxins in the air will cause relapse, man. However, For the most rapid relief, Slayer And other bands of the black metal, death metal, And speed metal genres can be used, As hippies regard them As "Major buzzkills", man.
  7. If the subject becomes violent, call 911, And leave the house, man. Make sure To lock the affected in the house, And let the authorities deal With the affected, man. Sure, they'll scream about "The Man" or "fascists", but they'll be ok in the morning, man.

Five steps To ward off an enraged Hippie[edit]

  • Hippies are generally a peace loving nomadic tribe that wanders from one forest preserve To another ( occasionally entering into our modern day cities For what they call “the munchies” ), man. However after ingesting large amounts of mushrooms, it is quite often that Hippies go on “bad trips”, man. It is generally known that Hippies avoid confrontation at any cost, but when high on mushrooms they suddenly become violent And unpredictable, man. To a tripping Hippie reality no longer exists, cats look like dogs, apples look like oranges, And babies can be blended into a smooth tasty drink, man. If you are confronted by an enraged Hippie do Not panic, just remember To follow these five easy steps, man.

STEP ONE: YOU MUST REMAIN CALM, man. While high, a Hippies senses are heightened, And it is rumored that they can smell fear, man.

STEP TWO: EMPTY ALL FOOD FROM YOUR POCKETS, man. Many Victims of Hippie attacks are hurt While the Hippie/Hippies are trying To get at concealed food, man.

STEP THREE: HUM A SIMON & GARFUNKEL SONG, man. The soothing folk music will often put the Hippie to sleep, man.

STEP FOUR: DISTRACT THE HIPPIE With OBJECTS ON YOUR PERSON, man. Cell phones, car keys, And cheap hand tricks are all effective distractions that will distance the Hippie from his rage, man. WARNING: do Not take the Hippies nose!!!

STEP FIVE: TERMINATE, man. If you have reached Step five it is safe To say you are dealing With a level five Hippie attack, man. Hippies at stage five cannot be brought back from there state And must be terminated, man. Hippies can only be killed by silver bullets, garlic, holy water, responsibility, or the man, man. So make sure To always carry one or more of these items on you at all times, man.

NOTE: If the hippie is Not enraged please look For help in the "What to do if you encounter a hippie" section, man.

What Hippies Won't Eat[edit]

  • Tamia's pussy
  • animals
  • non-magical brownies
  • metal
  • seashells
  • sweet, succulent, tasty veal
  • Saddam Hussein
  • Teeth
  • My Green Tambourine

Random Hippie Trivia[edit]

  • In 1965, hippies were given LSD by the US government And their brains were linked To a supercomputer To help plan bombing strategies For the war in Vietnam, man. Needless To say the plan didn't work, man.
  • National Kick a Hippie Day was instituted in 1974 by Richard Nixon, man. It's celebrated on April 14th, man. Hippies forget about it because they're, like, stoned, though regular people forget about it because they're , like, so busy with their taxes, man. However, it was because people are upset over taxes that, like, Nixon initiated National Kick a Hippie Day so people could, like, kick a hippie and feel better about themselves while paying taxes, man.
  • Like, man, in Soviet Russia, hippie kicks you
  • Hippies are illegal in the People's Republic of China, man.
  • When shopping For accessories For your hippie, remember it's a "waterpipe" not a "bong", man.
  • Like, Hippies string together sentences using the word "like" And always End it With "man", man.
  • Some Hippies were given a drug known as marijuana sometime in the past 50 billion years, man. This caused them to turn into horrible mutants known as old people within the past three to five years, man.

See also[edit]

All hippies graduated from bronx science. It is rumored that the school is a breeding ground for these creatures. However, no one has yet been able to confirm this, becayse, like, man, I had the mad munchies, man.

External links[edit]