His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search
      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Pope Francis?

For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dalai Lama.

I will totally put that nancy bitch in the triple German-suplex if I ever lay my hands on him!

~ His Holiness, the Dalai Lama on Oscar Wilde

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama ( more commonly known as Bonesaw, due to his short-lived career in professional wrestling ) was born to a jackel and some Chinese guy, probably Socrates or someone...I don't know. Anyway, it cannot be contested that he was born, which is totally awesome. His early accomplishments including beating up Your Dad, hanging with Black Jesus, and losing Tibet to the Nazi Communist Chinese...way to go, ass.

The Dalai Lama is in fact constantly reincarnating, which really annoys him. Recently, and in the past, he has stayed in one body for more than twenty seconds. The current Dalai Lama is Bono.

Wrestling Career[edit]

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama accompanied by two traditional Zen Buddhist nuns.
That profiteering son-of-a-bitch Spiderman selling Tibet to the Chinese.

The Dalai Lama, entered onto the wrestling scene in 1993 as the Fighting Buddha enjoyed a short stint as a popular heel, and quickly fell to obscurity. It wasn't until late '95 that he burst onto the squared-circle as "Bonesaw" and tore a swath through the wrestling world. He quickly won the Heavyweight World Championship in an undefeated streak. His reign was ended during a fateful cage match with Spiderman; which, much to the dismay of a few million Tibetans, Bonesaw had boastfully bet the country of Tibet on. Spiderman quickly sold Tibet to the Nazi Communist Chinese, and the Dalai Lama's wrestling career was over.

Nude Modeling[edit]

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama was a nude model. Now let's never speak of this again.

Time Traveling[edit]

Most people don't know this, but His Hizzle is responsible for a number of mounumental events of the past. He came up with a time machine at the tender age of four while doing body cavity searches on the homeless. He was like "Time travelin' is coo yo!". The Hizz Dizzle then built said time machine from noodles, scraps of money, and the crystal that you see come out of the human tear duct ( most notably witnessed on daytime TV ). With his mind only, he attached the pieces and created one of the worlds greatest inventions. He traveled to here, there, when, how, last tuesday, and tomorrow, but eventually realized that one man, one man called Bonesaw, couldn't be responsible for all of history. So together with the help of a clan of grue he distroyed the time machine forever. Here is a short list of some of the things that His Wholiness was responsible for:

  • The birth of Jesus Christ
  • The birth of Black Jesus ( or so he claims...I think he's a lying bastard. That mutha fucka ain't no brutha' yo! )
  • Half of the Great Wall of China ( the other half was built by millions of people over many years )
  • The squid, yeah he's that good
  • The first four seasons of Friends ( a drinking binge will do that to someone )
  • Vulcanized rubber
  • The sun ( more of a remake than a creation )
  • Prunes
  • Samuel L. Jackson

Remembering He's Buddhist[edit]

Somewhere between the annonymous sex and the rampant drug use, His Holiness, Bonesaw remembered that he was a Buddhist spiritual leader. So he slapped the hooker who was doing lines of coke off his dick and went to one of those monk buildings to meditate and do kung-fu. I mean, that's seriously all this guy did for like, 70 years or something...by the time he was done, each of his limbs was as awesome as a whole martial artist. His right arm, left arm, right leg, and left leg were like Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Bruce K. Lea, and Billy Blanks respectively.

Writing About 30,000,000 Books[edit]

After doing all that shit, he decided to write books. Almost all of his books were best-sellers, each book litterally selling millions of copies. However, his religion forbade the use of a printing press, so he hand wrote every one and drew all the pictures. And that's what he's been doing to this day.