Hockey
From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
“War is like the ocean... Deep, blue, salty, and filled with fish”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hockey
"In Soviet Russia, Hockey plays you."
~ Russian Reversal on Hockey
"Head them off at the pass!"
~ You on Canadians invading your hockey rink
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[edit] Origins
Little is known of the earliest origins of Hunki as the Huns did not leave many witnesses. From the early Middle Ages the fighting style was brought across Bering Strait by Hunki fighters who were expelled from Asia. The reason for these expulsions were unknown as all fighters had, among other limbs, their tongue ripped out.
From then on, elements from Hunki were introduced in the then National sport, Curling. The curling ball became smaller and smaller to allow greater precision when aiming it at an adversary. The sword was introduced into the game but replaced by a stick after the 1783 season had to be abandoned for lack of players. From this moment viewers were also allowed to take part in the fight.
It is often said when leaving a game 'I came to watch a fight and a hockey match broke out'
[edit] Rules of Play
In order to play hockey you must be a beady eyed white guy from Canada who lives in an Igloo and only eats Kraft dinner. If you are, then you're set to be a Star!!!!!!!!
Hockey is fought between two groups of 6 fighters, although coaches are actively encouraged to cheat by adding more. Drunken fighters are worth triple points. Each team consists of:
- 1 Centre
- 2 Wingers
- 2 Astronauts
- 1 Goaltender
- 1 Lawyer
- 1 Seeker
- 3 fieles
- 2 amorfos
- 1 feo
- 3 baseball bats
- 5 Eskimos
- 4 or more Canadians
The object is to kill all enemy fighters. When all fighters of one team have died, they can be replaced by supporters, at which point the object becomes to kill all supporters. The fight consists of three periods of 17 minutes and 9 seconds. In certain games less then 3 periods are needed to determine the victor. In the event of a tie, a final "Puck-Off" occurs, in which breaking the opposing team's teeth becomes the primary goal.
A secondary object is to score Goals. In the event that both teams lose all fighters and supporters, the team that has most goals loses the game. A tertiary object is not to kill the Referee, although this is mostly honorific and no awards are given for it.
Before fights in Detroit, a squid is often thrown onto the ice. It tries to devour as many enemy fighters as possible. There have been questions about the honorability of this practice but it is allowed because they are Detroitizoidical.
[edit] Equipment Required
Each fighter is given a light sabre, except for the lawyers, who have guns.
The wearing of body plating is optional but many fighters have shields powered by generators on Forest moons. Ewoks are fucking forbidden. Eskimos are allowed to use their pet polar bears.
[edit] Famous Hockey Players
There are a few famous Ice Hockey players. They are:
- Wayne Gretzky. I met him once. He was awesome.
- The Pretty Good but not quite as Splendid as the Other Chap One. This is my doberman candy
- The Russian Planet.
- The Pocket Rocket. He's not just happy to see you.
- The Dominatrix
- All those guys missing teeth
- Andy Gill, inventor of the mullet
- Kip Dynamite
- The Guy from Sunnyvale Trailer Park
- Sergé Lucienne LaFrenchie
- Dat Drugy
- Happy Guilmour, who left hockey for a carrer in swearing/golf
- Q fiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeel.... Lynger
- La gente Gangsta
- bernersito
- Lomaoasjk Speausidhb, he started as a flute player
- Ken Dryden, the alter ego of Jason Voorhees
- Gary Bettman - the greatest one ever to screw with the game
- Don Cherry, keeps Canadians sane from the antics of Bettman
- Bull
- Jon Koller
- Andrew Do
- Chris Miller
- That guy that likes to fight
- Bobby, oar was it just Bob?
- Todd Bretuzi A.K.A Todd Breast's Who craked his own neck of while steve moore Is giving him a blowdrop
- Pat LalalalalalalalalalalalalaFontaine
- The Hanson Brothers
- Gordy!
- Tie Domi
- Reggie Dunlop greatest player/coach the game ever has ever seen. Known to fuck his opponent's big tittied wives and announce to everyone on the ice that she's a dyke.
- My Mom
- Sergie Fedorov, the first Russian to elude the communist Swine Richard Nixon and join the NHL
- Radek Bonk
- John Kordic and his posse
[edit] Ice Hockey
Ice hockey, a specialized variety of hockey, is a combat-sport. It is primarly centered around a battle for seats. In this game there are two teams with many numbered players. They, however do not have seat reservations. Infact there are FEWER seats then players. Because of this, some of the players have to rush around a fenced field while waiting for free seats.
Being on the field is extremely difficult; it is frozen dangerously slick and every player has shoes with sharp metal blades tied to his legs.
Causing sufficient damage to an enemy player may cause the referee to grant you an alotted number of minutes in one of the comfortable seats.
There is also a puck.
The object is to get your puck in the goalies legs and score with him. You can also fight the other players and every tooth you knock out =1 point
[edit] WARNING!
Do not make condescending remarks about hockey in front of a Canadian. This may result in instant vaporization by a single glance.
