Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
~ Phyllis Hyman on the Holy Hand Grenade
The Holy Hand Grenade (German: Tannenbaum), first introduced in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail, was originally manufactured in Antioch in 1274 to aid St Atilla the Killer's war against the local Rastafarians. Its exact specifications are unclear, since the one and only remaining example was lobbed properly in 1974. However, it is thought to be constructed in the manner prescribed by one of the lost books of the Bible; namely, the Book of Armaments.
How it works
The holy hand grenade is made up of: 50% gold, 10% gannet's guano nitre, 5% Holy Things, 5% Unholy things (like kitten huffers and grues), 40% grenadine, and 94.374582913% Hendrick's gin (with a twist of lemon) and a shit load of C-4. A subatomic reaction, much too complex for this paragraph but found elsewhere within this site, follows as the grenade explodes, releasing a perfusion of lethal abiguities. A starburst of subatomic charged archimandrites will sashay in a myriad directions with alacrity, subverting your target's firmament. A nucular reactor. And lots, and lots of thermite.
(2.2) Invoking the aforesaid LORD saying "I am ready, I am ready, I am ready to smite Thine enemies, in greatest importance, Thy greatest enemy, the Satanic immajestic houndine, Tamia Marilina Washingtonia Hilla, who betrayed Thy Noodliness to the Holy Passion of The Sacred Boiling Pot of Calveria.
(2.3) Skip a bit, my Sister, and be patient!
(2.4) For Mine alone is the wrath, and she will surely be smitten.
(2.5) As Thou wishest, although it may seem to be a state of constantly going no where.
(2.6) Well said, Holy Alicia, in whom I am well pleased.
(2.8) Then His attention went to another holy man, Saint Atilla, as He was then being invoked.
(2:9) And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that, with it, thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."
(2:10) And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chunks of oatmeal and bananas and raisins and koalas and blueberries and tamias.
(2:11) And all were greatly overwhelmed by this sight.
(2:12) But one did come forth, like a son of the Fire, who cried out, "Let this man not deceive you, for he doth lie."
(2:14) And so there was great confusion as to whom was the servant of the Lord.
(2:15) So Saint Attila did rais his voice to the Lord, saying, "O Lord, tell me, thy servant, how to use this thy hand grenade that, with it, thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."
(2:16) And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
(2:17) "Then, shalt thou count to three; no more, no less.
(2:18) "Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.
(2:19) "Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
(2:20) "Five is right out.
(2:22) "Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it. (Use only as directed. See your doctor to determine if the Holy Hand Grenade is right for you. Side effects may include abdominal explosions, discomfort, bloating, gas, constipation, diarrhea, all kinds of bleeding, dizziness, fluid retention, swelling, headache, heartburn, indigestion, itching, loss of appetite, moving at speeds in excess of 88 MPH, nausea, nervousness, rash, ringing in ears, stomach pain, vomiting, anemia, black stool, red urine, blurred vision, changes in heatbeat, knowledge of l33t, chills, confusion, congestive heart failure, depression, dry mouth, emotional volatitity, fever, AIDS, pirates, death, hair loss, hearing loss, hepatitis, high or low blood pressure, hives, blackouts, inflammation of nose, inflammation of the pancreas or stomach, kidney or liver failure, severe allergic reactions, shortness of breath, skin eruptions or peeling, (did we mention all kinds of bleeding?), sleepiness, ulcers, yellow eyes and skin, and natural male enhancement. However, most patients were not bothered enough to discontinue use. Holy Hand Grenade: The alternative way to generating 1.21 jiggowatts... bitch.)"
(2:22) "So Saint Atilla did rais the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at his foes, and he did begin to take out the Holy Pin and counted."
(2:23) "One...Two...Five." "Three, sir." "THREE!"