HowTo:Proselytize

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You need to learn how to proselytize. You really do. Think about it: glory - power - maybe a few disciples - potentially a cult following in which your proselytes will do whatever you desire. A few converts to whatever religion/ideology/sports franchaise you support and you'll be on your way to immortality. Think how important you will feel when you leave your footprint on the lives of others!

Of course, you need a footprint melded into you to begin with. That's where I come in. So if you're not convinced of the importance of proselytization, then let me try to convince you a little more emphatically.

You see, proselytization is not merely the irritating, simple-minded, hopelessly pathetic act of attempting to convert people to what you know is the correct way to think or be. It also involves skill at persuasion, emotional manipulation, distortion of any sense of truth, and increasing emphasis the longer you preach. And if you don't do it, you will be condemned for eternity! Do you really want your loved ones to see you suffer - to cry - to plead for your soul while their tears fall down their pathetic little cheeks, ignoring their own burning pain because YOU NEGLECTED TO PROSELYTIZE TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE????

As an expert on this subject, I have volunteered to offer my free* advice here on Uncyclopedia. Just send U.S. $1000.00** ( Cheque or money order ) to:

Saint J.W. Clemency, Box 666,

East Rutherford, New Jersey, USA

Now watch the professional at work.

First Example[edit]

Hello, sir. Good afternoon, madam.


How are you both?


Beautiful day -

- isn't it?



Busy with your shopping? No? Just enjoying a springtime walk, perhaps.



Picking up your children? How old are they?

...oh, they're so cute at that age, aren't they?



hmmm...yes, it's really nice out. Makes you want to just sit and think...





so ---




Do you believe in Jesus?


What's that? You're just waiting for your kids to get out? Oh. Well, could I have a few moments of your time while you wait?

You're just fine as is? Well, let me explain why you might not be 'just fine.' You see, it is explained in first Corinthians --

...yes, and God is waiting for his children as well. You see --

...but if you don't make time for the Lord, then your future is uncertain. Why, right here in the Book of Revelation --

...well, you certainly will be left alone if you do not follow the Lord's path. As the Bible states --

...er, not exactly. I haven't read the verse about the knuckle sandwich. But that reminds me of the mustard seed parable. I can see you need to have it read to you. You seem so angry all of a sudden. If I can just let a little of Jesus' love shine through, I know --

...well, that's where you will be going if I can't convert you to the one true way!!!

If you read this book, you can become a martyr too!

Harassment? Call the police? Now, wait one cotton pickin' minute! I take time out of my long day to volunteer to bring you the good word - and I don't mean no ordinary or even above average word, I mean THE Good Word - really, the GREAT Word - and you threaten to -- to -- to persecute me! Let me warn you: if you persecute me, my God will take me into His Arms and wreak His Holy Vengeance on you. I will be one of the Chosen and if you turn a blind eye, then --

...knock my skull in???? I will become a martyr! Yes, a glorious martyr in the seventh and highest realm of the New Jerusalem! My lowly meekness on Earth will make me the most awe-inspiring, the most revered and loved and famous and - oh, I can feel it now, the glory, oh! oh! - how magnificently eternally drunk with the ultimate glory I will become!!!!!!!!! Yes, YES, YES, YES, YYEEEEEESSSSS!!!!




Oh, that was good.




Hey --

hey --
Where are you going?

Don't just up and walk away as soon as I'm done!

Get back here! God wants you to know -

...hey, are those your kids?

Hey, kids! Read the Good Book! Learn to love Jesus! You don't want to burn forever, do you kiddies? Hey, there little boy, you don't want your teddy bear there to be reduced to eternal ashes, do you? Little girl! Little girl! There's a lot more candy in heaven I tell you! Hey!!!



...oh, shit.



Hmmm...



Good day, ma'am. Hello there good sir. Beautiful day -


- isn't it?


( See, you have to persevere. I have a fallback method below that you, too can benefit from. Just send an additional 500 Euros or 50,000 yen to the address above. )

Second Example ( fallback method )[edit]

PLEASE OH PLEASE LISTEN TO ME I BEG YOU I HAVEN'T HAD ANY CONVERTS TODAY MY PERSONALITY CULT IS SOOOOOO LONELY PLEASE HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU HAD NO FOLLOWERS OH PLEASE IT'S MY LIFE'S WORK!!!


( Keep trying. I do. Finally, my second fallback method. )

Third Example[edit]

Dear Reader:

E-mail the web address of this page to 4000 friends within 3 minutes and you will be rewarded with the gift of proselytization.

Sincerely,

JW Clemency