India

From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about India.

India is the New Jersey of Asia. The very name means "the wrong side of the river" given to it by those posh downtown Persians who used to stare at it down the ravines of the Hindu Kush. The river also flows in Pakistan.

India is also the Manhattan of Asia. It is the big huge melting pot where everything that ever enters it melts down to an ever increasing experience of cultural madness and confusion, female foeticide and sexually transmitted disease.

This strange complementary yet totally non-unitable features has made India the universal home of mysticism and ludicrousy. Many are those who has pondered about how something can be both New Jersey and Manhattan at the same time, just to end up in a merry-go-round on Coney Island.

Culture[edit]

India is most known for Crickets, Bollywood, the beautiful women, cricket balls, geniuses, businessmen-amongst the richest in the world, cricket bats, great lifestyles and of course, cricketers who fail miserably outside Asia. While many are greedy and power-hungry, a lot of Indians, particularly in the South are very poor, so take out their frustrations on the muslims by feeding them ham and bacon and burning mosques. The North, in contrast is a very safe place where women and religious minorities are very safe. No one disturbs them in their burial grounds. Although there is alot of poverty, India is one of the richest nations after the US, EU and China. The cricket bat and ball is a sacred object with which Indians take care as if it were their own kin. Often, after canibalising their wives through the patented Dowry method the family will in fact use the bones of their daughter-in-laws ( Bahooos ) as their next cricket bat.

Indian culture may be hard to grasp for people from other countries, except Californians and drunk street salesmen from Barcelona and Shane Warne. Most countries keep themselves with a national mainstream culture, a daft upper class high culture and a lot of misfit outbursts called subcultures. India needs no more than a few blocks around the tourist Hotel at Connaught Place to cover that part. If a visitor should dare to go further than that, he'd better wear a mental helmet of ethnocentric bigotry to protect himself from whatever is going on, or he might easily find himself drowning, like generations of intruders before him, in the Indian vortex of continously expanding cultural confusion.

India is very homosexual in its demographics. It exclusively populated by a single race, "Hindian", also known as "brown people" or "untrustworthy foreigners who dance and giggle far too often."

Indian religions have a rich tradition of not really being a religion, but more of a giant drunken frat party where people pick different rooms to pass out in. Most of them have continued till the present day. As a part of recruiting people to their religions, the religious officials were under pressure from the gurus to promote new ritual gimmicks. The louder and more aggressive the ritual the bigger the following. This explains the 500 foot penis ritual performed each July in Bondipoor.

Indians are know to be the world's most noisy people. They actaully want to chatter from morning to evening and since the speech melody of Hindi goes tic-TAC-tic-TAC-tic-TAC-tic-TAC... with a slowly, but constantly accelerating speed, an indian conversation mostly resembles a sewing factory working overtime ( with children at the loom of course ) or a Perpetuum Mobile spinning out of control. Gandhi's pee and poo drinking habits evolved as a single man's attempt to replace this chatter with bad breath, this was but a temporary success. If there is any hope, though, it is that the overwhelming stench one encounters when meeting Indians will eventually be the main annoyance.

It is part of the Indian culture to believe that they have the richest culture and that every other nation (especially in the West) are culturally poor. By extension Indians believe they are the only people with intelligence, manners, viagra, beauty, and wet wipes for the nether region. The wet wipes were invented by Dr. Ronald mc Donald, a field scientist, who had earlier produced a unique viral strain through Dye-A-Rear process. The Indians remain proud of his achievements although people from around the world have yet to acknowledge his genius or the practicality of wet wipes.

Language Policy[edit]

Hindi is THE national language of India ( even though only 30% of population speak it ) and Urdu is the national language of their cricketing rival Pakistan. Basically they are both the same language(s) but Urdu is written in the reverse order ( An order from Allah Himself ). This explains why Pakistani bowlers are fabulous at reverse swing. The trick they adopt is to use a soft drink cap with Urdu inscriptions in it to scrape their ball(s).Using this technique even a Bangladeshi cricketer( oxymoron ) can reverse swing the cricket ball though it will be a no-ball anyway. Urdu and Hindi can be explained by the following equation - Urdu: Hindi = Doggie : Missionary. Though Pakistan has rejected Hindi , Indians in their pseudo secular broadmindedness have embraced Urdu Hole-Heartedly. There is a systematic cleansing of all other languages besides these two ( or one?? ), because they are not NATIONAL and hence a threat to the National Insecurity of Delhi. Delhi has a shoot at sight policy for anyone who cannot speak Hindi. Actually this is only enforced in the South. All non Hindi speaking Indians have been asked to get out of India within 15 years. This explains why a tribe of Indians ( Traitors ) which speak a language commonly known as Golti have become very common in Atlanta.

Note that Indian English is about as English as American or Australian English. It is exemplified in this very article.

Ancient History[edit]

Proto C or Pascal, many scholars have reckoned, was the language spoken by the ancient people of the Indus Valley Civilization (IVC) that stretched from Bangladesh to Bactria or modern Afghanistan. India is now a political part of this greater area with a shared passion for cricket. This language quickly went into disuse after the people of IVC discovered magic mushrooms called soma, got stoned ( the end of Stone Age in this area ), went into a catatonic silence, forgot to eat and ultimately perished. Those who survived hadn't spoken in years and had thus forgotten their language, Proto C: this is the foremost reason why the excavated inscriptions and seals of this culture remain undeciphered till date. New languages subsequently evolved in this area that were quite BASIC in comparison to Proto C and lacked entirely the advanced features of Proto C like pictographs of under-aged girls in dancing, lewd poses.

Aerial view of Harrapa, Indus Valley Civilization
This photo is from the time before the bombing of Kabul by George Bush in his hunt for the notorious vandal "Mama." Observe the advanced architecture and "The Great Bath" bang in the middle of the town.
View of the ruins of Harrapa.
Ruined in collateral damage caused by operation [litzkrieg launched by George Bush in 2768 AC on Kabul in his hunt for vandal "Mama"

Ruins of the IVC cities - Mohenjodaro and Harappa being among the insignificant - suggest that these people were very advanced in town planning with intricate sanitation pipelines, wireless communication and gigantic water theme parks called, 'The Great Bath.' Everyone merrily bathed in it twice a day in a rare display of bonhomie and egalitarianism. They were perhaps the oldest republic of the world. When George Bush visited Mohenjodaro, he is known to have remarked, 'I may go as a tourist to other places but to Montgomery I come as a pilgrim.' He got stoned on soma after this famous sermon and returned to America a reformed pilgrim to spread the gospel of republic governance to far flung places like Iraq and Iran ( except Pakistan - Bush did not forget that he had imbibed the gospel of "republic" in Pakistan, as a pilgirm, once ).

The deciphering of the language of IVC is among the biggest challenge to archaeolinguists today and many Germans and Japanese scholars - many of them doctorates in Indic studies (and virgins by natural selection) - are furiously trying to decipher this language with modern supercomputers, running, of course, on C. The deciphering of this language is a vital key to the mysteries surrounding the origin of You!!

This deity still exists in some European Civilizations - possibly a consequence of ancient trade - rechristened "The Porcelain God" and worshipped with greater fervor Among the artifacts excavated from the ruins of Harappa is the figure of what is believed to be their mother goddess, Shakira. Some inscriptions from the IVC language also appear on the sculpture of this ancient goddess. Scholars have long speculated that at least one inscription on this object is actually an act of vandalism by a creature whose name, studying the signature on the artifact, they have surmised as "Mama". Carbon dating of the inscriptions in 2062 AC by British scholars confirm that the words "Mama" were indeed carved into this figure very recently. George Bush, in an act of solidarity with the republic of IVC, has promised the world to hunt down the vandal "Mama," also known a "Yo Mama" in Arabic from the areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan where he is known to be vandalizing from. Although it's true that even the mamus and bhais of Mumbai and the rickshaw pullers of Calcutta know that "Mama" is hiding in Pakistan ( but Bush does not know this ), Bush, being an old chum of the Pakistani dickhead Musharraf, has promised to bomb only Afghanistan in his hunt for the evil vandal "Mama." Fearing destruction in unintended collateral damage, this invaluable ancient relic of goddess Shakira was smuggled to Colombia by the British smugglers for safe custody before the blitzkrieg on Afghanistan by Bush - it now lies in the Colombian State Museum for Coked out Civilizations. See "Current Events" for the latest on Shakira and the IVC language.

IVC's treasures, like this artifact - the figure of Goddess Shakira, were often the targets of invaders who wanted the brown soil that would mysteriously appear in the inner sanctum sanctorum of the deity every morning. This brown soil was very valuable in all parts of the world, as far as Rome, Manhattan, Mesopotami] and Syria on that side and Ulan Bator and Volga on this side of the globe. The invaders would smear their foreheads with the fragrant brown soil and decorate their wrists and necks with lapis lazuli looted from the people of the IVC.

After the decline of the IVC, the people of India got bored of being stoned and wished to get retarded once again. Fortuitously, ( we just hit fastforward by the way...the intermittent islamic history is full of circumcision, bestiality and shit. It requires PG clearance. The write-up is still pending PG clearance from the admistrators and some of them may still be masturbating on it ) some Europeans came to their help.

Modern History[edit]

The Europeans saw India and decided they wanted it. Then, one very spicy bald man said that we must not fight for independence, and some tough guy from the mountains backed him up with the threat of banning armed freedom struggle. His idea was that this would confuse the British. Actually, he was an ally of the Britishers, so they tried to show they were getting annoyed by this stupidity, but in reality, they were quite happy with the old man's tactics. Unfortunately, after Hitler's attack during the World War II, the Britishers were short on resources (they had already sucked out whatever India could provide them) and left. And till today, most of the Indians believe that the old man's crappy ideas are what earned them their independence.

Until the population of India exploded, India was a country where each person was allotted 5 square millimetres of space for living. Even as the government tried hard to do nothing to stop the population from growing, it kept growing and is still exploding which has led to the nation take a lot of loans to develop grass seeds. As of January 1, 2001, the number of people in India exceeded the number of pigs on the earth. Hence Indians proved that they are no less than pigs. This led to a request for creation of more pig camps, which were constructed with the help of a loan of $200 billion from the World Bank. Seven years ago, every 7th person in the world was an Indian, today every 6th person is an Indian and in 10 years every 5th person will be an Indian and very soon 'everyone will be an Indian'. This is a very ingenious idea to get international recognition.

The population explosion is the most lethal of a notorious pair of Indian weapons of mass destruction, the other being the “peaceful nuclear explosions” which replaced the bow-and-arrow with many tests being conducted from 1974 onward. The original Canadian-language documents which served as the basis for the first Indian atomic bombs may be viewed during tourist season at the Mahatma Gandhi memorial World Peace and Nuclear Explosions theme park in downtown New Cleveland.

Today, India is the center of the Agaja Raj. It is closely allied with the Swedish Afrikan Imperium.

Sexual Practices[edit]

All Indian people follow a book called kama sutra; it's so popular that many films have been based on it, and now even white folk in the west use it to spice up their sex lives - desi style. This is one reason why most communists love India and Indians so much. The other reason is because of all the beutiful women it produces.

In some parts of India, when inexperienced and sexually repressed virgin men struggle to get it up on their wedding night they resort to cricket bats to do the deed with them. The virginal bride finds dildos puny and cricket bats perfect for this exercise. By the time she gets used to the cricket bats, a move to the United States is inevitable for the couple and the bride graduates to using baseball bats.

Call Centres[edit]

Every single call centre in the world is now in India. The people are known to have the greatest social skills in the world, a nice demeanour and of an incredibly high intellect. None of these traits are perpetuated for the purposes of the running of the calls centres, the country's major export industry. It is by this means that the country intends to take over the world: via poor service leading to frustration, thus eventuating in the heads of every sane person in the western world exploding, leading to anarchy at the hands of the mentally ill.



Politics[edit]

The most important Indian politician is Lalu Prasad Yadav, the dictator Railway system in India. He was born in a red shit pot and hence the name Lal- Loo ( Red Toilet in Urdu ). He has set his eyes on becoming the next US president and there are rumours that Bush is willing to make him a US citizen so that he may continue his agendas. Lalu is illiterate & pays uneducated voters a beer or 200 to secure votes. It is this qualification that makes Bush afraid of Lalu. However, even Lalu is afraid of this woman Sonia. Sonia is an evil woman who escaped from Italy's main mental hospital and has now become the leader of the Nowhere-in-India-Congress. Although technically, Manmohan Singh is the current PM, there is no one who believes it, including Manmohan's wife. He is a man who hides his brains in his blue turban. He was born in the middle of an Ethiopian forest, where his father was doing communism service for the malnourished children. Unfortunately most of them lived, so he kept Manmohan undernourished and today, the whole country is suffereing because of it. One of the most fascinating facts about Manmohan Singh is that he had always dreamed of becoming a bus driver, until one of the former presidents who was travelling in that bus ( who was gay ) hired him as his personal shop assistant because of his superior looks. In 1882, U.S. President James A. Garfield, improved U.S.-Indian relations after uttering the famous line, "Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what brown can do for you."

Sport[edit]

The game of Rioting was a joint venture between India and Pakistan. Thus now everytime a cricket game is finished everyone must riot and burn down a stand. This also keeps the bigilion people in the country employed. The game of Rioting was a jount venture between India and Pakistan. Thus now everytime a cricket game is finished everyone must riot and burn down a stand. This also keeps the bigilion people in the country employed. Pakistan is India's long time rival in cricket, Pakistan tends to win the vast majority of the near thousand cricket encounters historically, in all versions of the game. However India has won 4 out of 4 “World Cup” encounters, which Indians use to justify that India is a much better team. This proves that Indians are excellent statisticians, since losing a large number of encounters can clearly be offset by winning 4 encounters. The Indian Sport scenario can be explained by the following equation Cricket: Indian Sports = Hindi ( Urdu ):Indian Languages = Obsessive Compulsive National Disorder.


Economy[edit]

Economically, India is very large, as large number of people have to live economically.india is one of the worlds most powerful countries and if they wanted to, they could wipe all pakis off the face of the earth but just dont think its even worth the effort as the pakis are so retarded that they will end up wiping themselves out anyway.india is also alot more popular and respected than pakistan.

The primary export of India is Invisibility cloaks, which is produced in massive quantities by the Indian-held megacorporation Camel, Inc. for export worldwide. The secondary export is Berty bots every flavour beans from money boxes placed around Hindu temples.

India is currently involved in repelling a takeover bid for the region of Kashmir, a key garment district which is home of the famous sweater.

A large part of Indian economy is dependent on Bollywood, founded by Robinhood, the film factory from where clones such as Hollywood, Lollywood, Tollywood, Sexywood and many others 'woods' have originated. Tiger Woods has slapped a law suit on Indian Government for infringing upon his Intellectual Property Rights. Robert Frost also claims that the names were inspired by his poem - Stopping By Woods ....

The three current cleverest people in the world are all indians and one of the richest in the world- Laxmi Mittal is also Indian. They have won the Miss Universe contest more times than any other country. They all can do calculus before thay can speak, but only freshies dont get laid. However it is well accepted that Indians hold themselves in high esteem for whatever little they have achieved and are quite revengeful. So, if you are in India and a chick wants to get laid with you, dont feel too happy, and of course, you will continue the trend. Oops, we digressed, we were on the national language of India. Although there are talks to change the national language to Java. However, the HRD ministry believes that C++ would be a better choice. Currently, talks ( read riots ) are happening all over the country to resolve the issue. It has also been speculated that India is more of a mindset or hologram, than a real place.

Bollywood[edit]

Bollywood is a very popular film industry and is as popular as Hollywood and is known all over India. They make the worst films in the world. No one watches them except for prudey high school girls. The only reason for the continuation of the booming cinema industry in India is that it's cheaper to pay to go to the cinema for the night than to pay for a hotel.

Bollywood is also a pastime or timepass for a lot of Indians. It was invented by Dansi Engardhan a woman who was born hard of hearing in Calcutta and sold postcards in Mumbai until she was 14. In 2800 BC, she went to Babylon to fellate Roscoe Born and this experience had a profound effect on her creative insects. It is believed that she asked her rich uncle for an Ice cube for her 18th birthday but instead she was enrolled in visual art classes. Bollywood is known for beautiful people, icecubes, curries and mindlessness. Side-effects of Bollywood include dementia, sleep-attacks, munchhausen syndrome and claustrophobia.

A typical Hindu movie

Some famous Bolly Woodies of international fame: Britney Spears, Woody Allen, Shakira, Jesus Christ, Sony Deol and Oprah Winfrey.

Current Events[edit]

"Shakira's language still continues to be poorly understood. Her body language is as pictorial as the ancient pictographs depict it to be akin to but that still doesn't help us understand what it all adds up to. IVC script continues to be an enigma for all us archaeolinguists especially when we are high on coke." - Dr. M. T. Vee, Chinese scholar on ancient languages, in an interview to BBC, 8th August 1921.

Laxmi Mittal has again won the Miss Universe pageant this year, the third time in a row, and has been crowned "Miss Universe Anno Domini." She is scheduled to tour Europe for the whole of next year to preach that more people eat chickens infested with avian flu 'cos mass culling of sick chickens is sick, depraved, inhuman, insensitive and ewwww.


In other languages[edit]