“It never ceases to amuse me how every single Irish person thinks themselves witty just because they were born on the same island as me.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ireland
Ireland, not to be confused with Iraq, is the boggy, green mound located a fair bit west of Japan and is renowned for its rolling drunks, being a former Soviet republic, green hills, 364 days of rainfall each year, unexcused sentimentalism, Luck of the Irish and the turf (ah, the turf). Ireland has been president of the Federation of Nations that hate Britain since 1169. The island of Ireland is split into two parts, Northern Badlands and the Republic of Ireland. Northern Badlands is part of the UK and has been since 1955.
- 1 History
- 2 Irish Music and Culture
- 3 Education
- 4 Drinking
- 5 Geography
- 6 Greatest Inventions
- 7 The Travelling Community
- 8 Leprechauns
- 9 External links
As a country, Ireland's founding father is generally recognised as being Patrick McGoohan and his army of leprechauns. Patrick McGoohan is of course best known for driving the snakes out of Ireland, a venture which at one point required the hiring of a medium sized bus - although several snakes refused to be driven for reasons of motion sickness and insisted on rail or air travel instead. This incurred the wrath of the strong Druid contingent then present in Ireland who much favoured serpent symbology at the time, and so they used their powers to call down a plague of large, white weather balloons upon Patrick to punish him, although this proved largely ineffectual when it was quickly discovered that large, white weather balloons are almost entirely useless as a means of terrorising people. Because of this, Patrick McGoohan was quickly canonised by The Church in recognition of antagonising alternative religions, and is now remembered to all as St.Patrick. As for the army of leprechauns...well they have become something of a myth. Although today they are believed to be hiding underground, on many national holidays (all 364 of them(they don't like the 2nd of June)) many Irish search for the lost leprechauns so that they may one day conquer the world. As to the currently known location of the famed leprechauns, one can only guess...
“'You will pay the price if you're a fussy eater.'”
Not many people can recall the date of the Great Irish Famine because they all either died, ate the paper everything was written on, or buggered off to mainland Britain with the eldest fine young Catholic lady in the poorest, most desperate for money family in the area, this is how Ireland lost all genetic class. Not many people are aware of the fact that the famine was actually as much caused by the Irish refusing to eat substandard food as to their inability to work a twelve hour day until they arrived in a workhouse. When the famine was finally over, every smart person left Ireland, leaving only drunks, perverts and catholics to fend the British off.
Potato Famine Denial
A number of liars, among them historian David Irving, Iranian supremo Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Irish TV current affairs specialist David McWilliams and British TV host Michael Barrymore, deny the Potato Famine ever took place, despite obvious, compelling, undeniable, ineluctable, indisputable, incontrovertible historical evidence, and a rich corpus of contemporary accounts. There have been calls from some quarters, most vociferously from Führer Bono, to have deniers extradited to Ireland to face charges of famine denial under the Denial of Potato Famine (Prohibition) Law, 5746-1886.
When England nicked Northern Ireland from Ireland, B.A. Baradams called for the help of the some ex-army special forces, on the run from the government for a crime they didn't commit. The IRA-Team, which was mainly composed of badgers at the time, bombed the British and Northern Irish, drank the blood of kittens, sucked the brains out of live monkeys and sodomized their Protestant mail boxes. Muammar Gaddafi was very fond of the IRA and donated twelve high-speed modems to their cause. The IRA also developed super powers when bombing a toxic waste dump, with super heat vision, they melted Maggie Thatcher's bra straps. The British soon got very annoyed and grassed them up to the UN; causing the IRA to fear they would get done for selling stolen Betamax video recorders so they went into hiding for a while. They will re-emerge to fight in the year 2035. They also killed people, some of them in very unsportsmanlike fashion.
The economic downfall
Despite contrary belief of the potato being the national currency, oh hell, who am I kidding, of course it is. At one point in history, however, their main currency was the vodka. There were no potatoes to use for money during the famine, so they resorted to alcohol. They loved it so much, and needed it equally as much, that they were never able to give it to others. Businesses collapsed, the British had little to steal, and there was a nationwide hangover everywhere across the land. They decided to use the potato, figuring that would make one payment instead of two to the British. This led to whisky being a primary export, as they could not procure the Guinness producing gland from their bodies to get it out.
The World Domination Plan
As Ireland moved into the 20th century, it had become rich thanks to exports of potatoes and ninjas. People often thank the Irish for gifting them with such objects, but few realize it's part of a long-term plan to destroy your mom (or ma). But that's probably just the Guinness talking... Early in the 20th century the Irish realised that they had few natural resources that were worth money. One was the ability to take nothing, call it a Leprechaun, and sell it at outrageous prices to Americans. This was mainly thanks to the many Irish spies who had "emigrated" there. In fact, many Irish operatives have traveled to almost every corner of the Earth. Every year on the 17th of March these spies hold their AGM under the guise of a holiday called "St. Patrick's Day", where the many people of Irish blood gather to celebrate their 'forefathers'. A mind-enhancing black substance called Guinness and Shamrock-shaped surveillance devices are distributed to the masses. This ensures that the plan for world domination (or at least a damn good piss up on the way) remains on target.
It is popular opinion that the Irish would have long ago succeeded in their plans, if only there weren't so many pubs on the way.
The CIA recently discovered that Terry Wogan had founded a sinister order to convert everyone in the world towards vacuous thinking and wearing pullovers leading the Department for Culture to question whether Radio 2 should be available on the internet in Live Streaming form.
2008 Russian Invasion of Gorey
Around the same time as the Russian invasion of Georgia. An error made by a Russian general after one too many nights of drinking Irish money saw approximately three quarters of the Russian battleforce accidentally put on ships and sent to the coast of Wexford. Close to the end of their operation the Russian force moved into the medium sized Irish town of Gorey. Mistakenly believing it to be the Georgian town of Gori. Although they have officially moved out of the town and gone back to Russia, there have been reports that a group of soldiers still remains in the town.
“Well I were gone doon at the aul pub, like normal but there were something not right about the place. So I turned aroond. And what do I see, only them feckin Russian boys again. I taught dey were gone like.”
~ Paddy Joe McGegereghty local tree farmer on The Russians
It is unknown when the Russian soldiers will leave the once peaceful town, as no official statement has been made by Russian authorities. Tribunals minister Ahern however has stated that the government is planning an inquest into the Russian actions. Judge Alan Mahon has also stated an interest in the possible tribunal.
“I'll bring those foreign bastards to justice. NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.”
~ Judge Alan Mahon on a possible tribunal.
So what does the future hold for the Irish nation? Well, the 60-year world-domination plan is in its final stages. Currently a team of spies posing as the Irish football team are making their way to the final of its goat-cloning ritual in Germany. Rumour has it that they're going to meet someone there who knows a lot about world domination.
Till then they remain passive, neutral in all sports, and constantly having a good time. Lucky Charms Land is open 365 days a year from 6am till 2am. The main attraction, its various pubs and clubs, are also open for the same hours. If you've never been there, why not book a holiday soon and get abuse thrown at you by skangers... before it's too late.
The Irish are also excellent ninjas, scientists, car thieves, belly-dancers and inventors, a trait they like to show off every once in a while. In the '90s they thought they'd take the piss by winning the Eurovision Song Contest 3 decades in a row. This joke soon turned into a nightmare as they realized hosting the competition every year cost a fortune. Drastic money-making procedures were put into action which culminated in a song and dance show called Riverdance where lots of Irish people would bang their feet off the floor in unison. This seemed to amuse foreigners, especially Asians (which is of concern to the world at large since the impact of a billion Chinese men and women stomping at the same time has been calculated by NASA scientists as sufficient to take the Earth out of its orbit).
Guinness and the martial art of pub-fighting have traditionally been Ireland's biggest exports, but, since early 80s, Ireland's main export became U2. After the comparatively poor success of such albums as 'Pop' and 'Zooropa', serious economic recession occurred in Ireland. Speculators on the future of Ireland's economy are frequently worried about the near future if U2's output continues to worsens dramatically as it has since the release of 'Rattle and Hum'. Chieftain of Ireland, Mary McAleese states that: "If U2's sales decrease much more, Ireland's economy will definitely plunge into serious depression within the decade. We can only hope that Bono decides to sellout even more than before, and release more poorly acclaimed but commercially successful material in order to bring enough money into our economy so as to escape this fate."
Recently more Irish musicians have done their bit for world domination. Two groups called Boyzone and Westlife have ensured that the next generation of young girls will grow up to be fine, Irish-loving people. Recently an Irish actor, Colin "Fecking" Farrell, copulated with the Hhiress to the throne of Amerika, Princess Britney Spears. He realised soon afterwards that the union would never work and sent her a goodbye present, a T-shirt saying "I shagged Bob Barker and all I got was this T-shirt". Just as an aside, the leading cause of death in Irish music is hanging by the British. The British hate Irish music, regarding it as little better than American country music with a more familiar accent, and therefore execute anyone they can find playing the stuff.
Irish rock videos generally consist entirely of people dressed in trenchcoats singing while walking across lush green fields and hillsides. The musicians doing the most for Ireland's world domination are probably the most famous, one answers only to his code name "Bono" (a name he picked up at a country fair in 1962 after being caught giving the local pride and joy - an Irish wolfhound called Sugarblossom - a little too much attention) and his eternal sidekick Sir Bob Geldof. Their plan to alleviate world debt is merely a ploy to make all the shitty little nations like them and piss off the Bush. Once in with the "shitty nations" they will be used as the front line in the final assault.
Meanwhile Bono and his crew of musical ninjas U2 are currently dismantling all of America's atomic bombs with their music through a similarly titled album (I personally thought they should have named it something else but that just wouldn't be Bono now would it.)
It is widely believed and talked about that Gay Byrne, the popular Irish chatshow host, will lead the masses into Dublin on Judgment Day (which is a Tuesday I think) because no one really likes the other days here as we all have to get hammered in the pub. It's the law, apparently. However, this will only happen if Gaybo can tear himself away from the attractions of Howth (or The Peninsula as it is also known). The three attractions in Howth at the moment are fishing, staring at Gay himself and the world famous "sessions".
The Irish film industry has also gained worldwide popularity, after the Irish Film Board made the law that all films produced in the country had to co-star Colm Meaney and that guy/gal from Telly Bingo Shirley Templebar. Telly Bingo was recently defined as a natural disaster.
Ireland had a glut of Graphic Designers, Copywriters, Art Directors and people in all the other main gay professions at the latter part of the 20th Century. In order for begrudging Irish people to slate such people for their superior qualities, a website was created at the arse end of the Internet where they can give each other tips on making each other feel good and enjoy lonly nights in firing off one to re-runs of Eastenders on UK Gold - it's name, Uncyclopedia.
The insular community has thrived over the past few years and with the introduction of females in the past few days many a seat has been stained at the thoughts of actually meeting a girl.
The capital of design in Ireland is a small pub on Dame Street, where the faithful flock each night, clad in polo necks, sporting beer bellies and bad breath. They drink Guinness which is a drink made from a combination of crushed brambles, week old coffee, a fish-based fining agent called isinglass and a secret ingredient rumoured to be cow placenta. After many pints of Guinness, the process of design starts. The main tools used are biros and beermats. Irish design is unusual because in the past few years it has been devoid of circles since ashtrays have been removed from the pubs.
Main examples of Irish design can be seen in Chinese menus, signs on bathroom doors and the many whiskey labels (with bottles still attached) that lie scattered on the floor of most designer's bedsits.
Creative Ireland is run by a old queen called Alastair who came from Scotland due to the lack of Protestants in Ireland after the 1916 uprising when some boys looking for a fight took over a post office and a biscuit factory and told the heathen British and their Protestant lackies to "feck off back to your own king and country. Yeh miserable shower of bowsies".
After a law passed by King Garrett Fitztrousers in 1987 protestants were allowed back in to the Frisbee State and promptly found their way into design due to their fondness for Bible thumping and books in general. Alastair is a good queen and is known to friends as "Ali." He married Bono and runs a charity with Abi Titmus that helps children that suffer from radiation sickness in Sligo.
The future of Irish Design and typography looks great since they murdered all the dyslexics with the legs of blind people who were later left to bleed to death.
A spate of civil war amongst designers has passed recently and the winning side outlawed the colours red and white. This pissed off the people of Cork no end till they got fed up complaining about that and turned the attention to something even more important their fight for independence against their oppressors the Morlocks. We hope one day they will leave the caves and join the rest of this great island nation, but won't hold our breath until they learn to use rudimentary tools and learn to speak in a register which is discernible to anything other than dolphins and themselves. No good designer has ever come from Cork, except Woof who was burned as a heretic, due to his natural flair and opposable thumbs.
The Museum of Irish is based in The Old Shieling Hotel, Raheny where they show examples of great design when there's no wedding on or they're just in the humour of a "good ould laugh"
Irish Design can be seen all over the world on the back of Aer Lingus aircraft and in their in-flight magazine Lusty Whoooores which is free with a badly cooked meal.
In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from one place to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Signposting here is heavily influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round) of space/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point in the universe, or at least not west of Mullingar anyway. Instead, location and distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for neighbouring road-signs. The good news is language. Ireland is officially bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road signs. This allows you to get lost in both Irish and English. It should be noted that asking locals for directions will result in them describing how to get there via the local pubs and not the streets they are on. So a good knowledge of the locations of every pub in Ireland is essential before visiting. A random test is conducted at arrivals in all ports and airports. All roads lead to O'Connell Street in a huge one way system.
Ireland produces vast quantities of woollen knitwear and, under a US/Irish trade agreement, American visitors may not return to the States without a minimum of two sweaters, of which at least three must be predominantly green. Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation before you are allowed to disembark. Note: under no circumstances will you see an Irish person wearing a woollen jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by Americans to identify them to muggers, thieves and knackers. Wooly jumpers were infamously made famous by Eoin McLove, who incidentally loved cake too.
Ireland per capita provides more charitable aid than any other country west of Wales and east of the Americas. In 2006 Iran, after having accidentally executed all of its women, was facing up to the twin perils of frenzied masturbation and the inevitability of homosexuality. Bothar, an Irish charity responded by sending thousands of loose goats to the desperate Iranian men - who by that stage were already seeing a 30% increase in personal grooming. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - in gratitude for Ireland preserving Iran's 0% homosexuality rate, promised that Allah's wrath would be swift and just in relation to their idolotrous tree-stump worshipping ways.
As it became clear that the Catholic sex abuse scandals were reaching endemic proportions - with compensation claims threatening to force the Church to downgrade to basic cable and switch to lower quality ecclesiastical supplies, the Irish public stepped forward and agreed to limit the church's liability to 30 euro - with the state paying the difference. The Pope thanked the Irish people for keeping the clergy well stocked in fine wines and funny hats.
In 2010 the Irish economy was brought to the brink of collapse when, on returning from Las Vegas, the Minster for Finance and his banker friends reported that they'd run up a few bob's worth of debt at the blackjack tables and the buffet. The Irish once again dug deep to help the Minister and his friends out of a hole. It soon became apparent that the "few bob" was in-fact upwards of 100 billion euro, and in order to pay this amount the Irish would need to eat their children just to survive. Their stoic response was to begin basting their babies and setting their tables.
“Nuns! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!”
~ Father Jack Hackett on Church-affiliated schooling
Primary school is for good looking children between the ages of 4 and 12 and is a welcome respite to the ordinary Irish parent who can't wait to get the little snots out the door so they can go back to TV3's popular programme Good Morning Ireland, having sex, and using them as an excuse to be late for work. After the obligatory blast of Christianity in the furnace of a good dogma structured Catholic school, the now "big fish in a small pond" move onto the lakes of secondary school.
Secondary School Education
Because of the abundant variety of secondary school education alternatives available in the post-Celtic-tiger Ireland we do not have sufficient time to digress into all sub-divisions, however secondary school can be subdivided, in a very general sense into "Teks", which stands for Technical Colleges and is generally for all the
thick fuckers less academically-gifted, who wanted "a more inclusive environment" and didn't want to fork out on any decent education for their children.
Secondly we have "Sems" or seminarys which are all-boys schools and are run as internment camps to encourage homosexual behavior. Hopefully facilitating an inclination towards the priesthood (or the "calling" as it is known). Although once run by numerous members of the clergy, their rather radical approaches led many a boy astray into other notorious Wanker professions such as the Garda Siochana, Accountancy and Politics.
To conclude the secondary education, Ireland, truly ahead of its time in developing equality of boys and girls when it came to exploitation, established "Pres's" or "Presentations" to mold young ladies into twisted, knarled sexually repressed young women ignorant of the workings of the human (or any other) body and therefore ripe for impregnation. Such Pres's were usually run by nuns with constitutions that would have made a superhero jealous. These lucky students studied such seminal subjects such as Home Economics and Art and with due diligence rolled up their skirts every lunchtime when "going up town" to "go down". As such they were regarded as "easy" by the male populace of the school system. All "Presentations" were eventually renamed "Pregnantations" due the high rate of teenage pregnancies.
However the shutting down of the workhouses and such blatant negative publicity such as films like the Magdalene Sisters as well as the fact they cannot advertise the carnal nature of the father, sister religiously undertoned incestuous relationship has seen a decline in applications on an annual basis. To combat such they have recently started an online campaign backed by "Der Fuhrer," as they affectingly know Pope Benedict, to allay any fears any naive young lady may have before their incarceration into a Holy Order.
In modern Ireland schools have changed quite a bit. Females are now allowed to eat, however permitted foods are limited to cock and pudding. In boys' schools priests are no longer in charge, but it is now the young boys abused by the priests who have control...and in a sick act of revenge have ordered the constant buggery of any young boy in a 10 mile radius.
3rd Level Education
Once an Irish individual has successfully run the gauntlet of Irish secondary school, if they are not needed on the land and their points are good enough in the Leaving Cert they may apply through the CAO, a small goldmine of an office located on Eglington Street in Galway which is staffed by cheap foreign labour, to go to College. The main universities are located in Galway, Cork, Limerick, Maynooth and of course the capital Dublin. In conjunction with these are a network of Institutes of Technology known as ITs, for example Sligo Higher Institute of Technology (SHIT), Tipperary Institute of Technology (TIT) and Cavan-Leitrim Institute of Technology (CLIT), "which are every bit as good as the Universities but they couldn't get the points, but they're just as good because we'll be doing more field work, but we couldn't get the points but they're just as good, and anyway we'll have a more practical, hands on approach, so it'll be better for the ol' farm work after,because we couldn't get the points...." which are thrown around the country at random intervals with random courses. Once the young man or woman has successfully secured a place to stay, this is where the term "student" comes into its own. In Irelrunk, any time day or night is acceptable. Not having any money because it was spent on drink, for anything. Landlords, electricity supply boards and supermarket chains understand this perfectly and tailor their packages accordingly. The following list, although not meant to be exhaustive is also perfectly acceptable once the status "student" has been acquired: Public Urination, Public Drunkenness, Public Regurgitation, Public Nudity, Vandalism, Theft of Roadwork Materials (for example a bus stop in Ballintemple), Acquiring Shopping Trolley Collections, Drinking Buckfast with Breakfast, Drinking Buckfast AS Breakfast, Unwanted Pregnancy, STI's, Sloth, Unemployment, Waiving of Tax Payments (seriously), Waiving of College Fees, unkempt appearance, 10,000 a day calorie diet consisting mainly of supermacs and beer, missing appendages and/ or limbs, intolerant attitude, and all other normally socially frowned upon norms. However such sights must be greeted with the mantra "students...!" and the rolling of the eyes to heaven, akin to blessing oneself. After three or perhaps four years in some cases (not including repeat years) Students qualify in their respective categories. More than half will fuck off in the next two years never to return. Like swallows on a perpetual Summer. More still will be woven into the fabric of Irish life, spending the rest of their lives trying to repeat the feats they perfected whilst students but without the health of youth and an unblemished Liver and the protection from the courts of the blanket of "Student" they often fail, leading to the highest suicide rate in the developed world, and various other social problems. For more Information see, "Insanity and Education. Bed-fellows" by same author.
Irish people are unique in that they do not need alcohol to enjoy themselves. Although the Prohibition of Fun Act, 1972 (which includes the prohibition of alcohol) is still in force today, many feel that even without the law as it stands, no one would go near the drink. It all stems from an incident in 1971 (the likes of which the 1972 Act sought to prevent from ever happening again) when a man in west Cork had a few pints too many (3, or so the legend goes) and slurred his speech a little when phoning his wife to tell her he'd be home soon. This unprecedented incident rocked the whole country when it made the national press and caused urgent calls for law reform. Since then, there hasn't been a single drop of alcohol consumed for fear of any repeat incidents.
All the unused alcohol is collected in an area south of Dublin, known as the pub.
Many people think Ireland is part of the United Kingdom. These people have never read a newspaper or a book,watched television,seen a movie or read a book in their lives. But it is not and never ever will be part of the desolate wasteland they call the UK. Because the UK really doesn't want it.
It is true that almost the whole world was invented by the Irish. During the Battle of Tallaght, where the flecks bet the shite out of the scobies, it was discovered that Honda Civics were the best cars to steal and since then, ram-raiding has been a very common past-time for knackers and the people of Tallaght.
Contrary to popular belief, the Internet was not invented by the Americans. It was invented by a bloke called "Patrick Internet" who got drunk and then sold the idea to a man called Gill Bates who then set up a company (Named "Mini Soft", after his genitals). He then claimed the idea for himself and changed the name to "The Net" at which point the Americans released a film called "The Net" which was an effort to try to make women / Americans look intelligent and it was an unfortunate flop.
The wheel was one of the first inventions of the Irish. The original intention was to hold dancing poles in the middle of a platform for the historic women of the time to dance naked around. However, when Twink came along in the year 3,000BC with her hairy legs, they decided to turn the rounded platform on its side and claim it was only to be used as a means of transport.
The Travelling Community
The Travelling Community (commonly known as Pikies, Knackers, Gypsies, Scobies, Skangers, Itinerants, fookin robbers, what's that smell etc) are a renowned, nomadic group of gangsters who speak in a language that only they and the police can understand. They originated from Antarctica since it was (at the time) the only continent where the Irish people had not spread their seed.
They make their living stealing cars and then finding them for the owner and charging for repairs. They have also been known to some times fix buckets but with the latest Irish invention of a substance called "plastic" their bucket fixing days are over.
The most common export of the Travelling community is, of course, beatings. They tend to breed in halting sites or local parks, and in litters of about 3 every 3 years. After this, the female goes into decline or, as the rest of the world call it, their 16th year. The main defense of this fascinating race is their numbers. The best defense FROM them is to shout that their Mams are slags and run like hell. Due to their quaint custom of smoking from birth, they are unable to run more than 20 feet on any one day.
Should you ever wish to communicate with i.e get mugged by a Traveller, the most common vernacular is 'Staaaary bud?'. To this they will either reply 'Narrah fukin lat' or 'Ai'll fukin bait ye'. This is, of course, assuming you get close enough without already being shanked.
They do, however, have a rich and varied culture. From their most popular sport (stealing dogs) to their culinary skills (eating those dogs), the Travelling community are truly, if not the greatest culture in modern Ireland, at least a shite sight better than the scobies.
If you are in Ireland and you find someone has stolen your ATV and shat in your garage, call the National Gypsie Hotline - 96843468
They say that only Irish people can see Leprechauns, however they are apparently easier to find then it seems. Bertie Ahern (the former Prime-Minister) was in-fact a Leprechaun. One of the biggest give-aways is that he is always after your Lucky Charms. This is not to be confused with Irish-Americans who also beat you up when they're after your Lucky Charms.
Another way to see a Leprechaun is that they have one leg shorter than the other. This puts them at a disadvantage. In order to catch them you need to chase them around a mountain, and when they come to an obstacle they turn around, and because they have one leg shorter then the other, when they turn around they lose their balance and begin tumbling down the hill, at which point the person at the bottom can catch them.
The easiest way for a tourist to know when a Leprechaun is around is when they get on to the LUAS which is the local light-rail system for Dublin. When the lady announces "Please take care of your personal belongings as pick pockets frequently operate in this area" it means there are leprechauns on the train; however, when the lady announces it in this way "Please be warned that pick pockets are operating on this train" she is referring to members of the traveling community.