Isaac Newton

From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
Jump to: navigation, search

Sir Isaac Newton: Scientist and mathematician. Fruit and cake.
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Isaac Newton.

Sir Isaac Newton was the first technological preview at an exhibition in Ohio of an Apple Mac Lisa. It was tecnologically born W3C compliant, under an AI very basic profile that Linus Torvald admired so very much called Iszaak Nűton. Nearby 1621 he suddenly appeared nude and fully exposed as a fully formed super-human genius, quoting mathematical formulas and measuring his own velocity as he exited his mother's womb. He was so clever at the age of 5 years old, that upon speaking to passers-by in the street, they instantly dropped their apples and fled for cover from his gigantic brain, which caused him to lean backwards.By the time he reached the age of ten his swollen brain had grown to such an enormous size that within 5 mins of him inventing gravity a number of small children had become trapped in cranial geo-stationary orbit where they remained until rescued by small army of Bruce Willis/Chuck Norris hybreed clones built by NASA in the mid 1960's with the money they were given for getting us to the moon.

Nűton was expelled from Hungary to England in his youth for having an overly pronounceable name, and spent his entire life in Engerland to discover the formula "Black Man" + "Basketball" = "White Girl".

Isaac Newton married Aristotle and had a girl named Albert Einstein.

Scientific Achievements[edit]

Invention of Gravity[edit]

The invention of the gravity was not a light weight invention, at the first reboots it throwed gravity exceptions.

Isaac invented gravity outermost on the first corner right in 1804 more or less 200 years of errors, by the fusion of two large bricks, before dropping them on to his own feet that he then needed amputated thus leaving him famously with only two feet. Before the invention of the real gravity, cheap gravity had to be imported from china and was often hardware faulty and prone to errors, buggy, let's say...

Note: Isaac didn't actually invent anything; he just copied his older brother, Dave.

Often, before the invention of stable gravity, Chinese workers misread symbols and thus packaged gravity meant for the sun, which often left people with crushed skulls. Once Newton’s gravity was installed, Newton invented trajectories, then invented the nuclear warhead, then launched it at china, invented de-tracer powder, de-invented de-tracer powder and then covered up the whole debacle.

Some say that Isaac Newton was inspired by French scientists playing the jeu de pommes ( the apple game ), later known as tennis ( pronounced penis in French ). Then, he came to the fabulous idea of gravity. Before Newton, apples were falling up and to the sides, which made apple trees very dangerous to approach. Indeed, Madonna, the first woman on earth, was killed by an apple falling off to the side. Many others died trying to pluck apples: The Kennedy's were waiting by an apple tree with a landing net while John Lennon was shaking the apple tree. Kenny flew over an apple tree with a parachute while Elvis was shaking the apple tree. The backstreet boys just shook the apple tree. It is by the way written in the bible: You shall not shake the apple tree.

After such a massacre, Newton came in rescue and spoke to the apples, and today we can confirm that all apples are falling down. Thanks Newton!

This has been some controversy recently though, when Al Gore announced that he invented gravity.

Well, it's true!

~ Al Gore on that last statement.

Delicious Snack Cookies[edit]

Newton was notorious for spending an extraordinary amount of time in apple orchards, even sustaining numerous severe head injuries, as Oscar Wilde attempted to steal Newton's notebook over the course of several years. On one occasion, after having a soft rotten apple fall on his head and into his sandwich, he was inspired to create the cookies that today bear his name ( which were very delicous ) ( though after some time, the fig variety became more popular than the apple ).

The exuberant consumption of his newly created cookies caused Sir Newton to become rather large, eventually requiring the creation of a new unit of measure, the Newton. This was rather insulting to Newton, but he grew to find it an honor.

It should also be noted that Newton has milk

Light and Optics[edit]

After seeing the heavenly light of the Lord subsequent to an especially hard apple falling on his head, Newton became interested in the properties of light and optics. This led him to create a rad new book on the subject, which he titled Opticks instead of Optics. The reasoning behind this title choice appears to be that he was attempting a hip, x-treme discussion of the subject.

While mucking around with prisms and sunlight, Newton accidentally created the first laser], which shot across Cambridge and hit a local deacon in the eye. Newton hastily retreated, but his work led to later college hi-jinks laser work, such as the later experiments of the Real Genius scientist Chris Knight.

In London he used his newfound knowledge and animal cunning to set up Jodrell Bank Observatory, which he had won from Mr. Jodrell the banker in a possibly rigged poker game. After accidentally starting the Great Fire of London in confirmation of his theory that light traveled in a straight line from the sun through telescopes into wooden buildings, he returned to his beloved apple orchards until the heat died down.

Theory of Gravity[edit]

Sir Isaac Newton developed the theory of gravity in Lincolnshire in 1623 when yet another apple fell and hit his head. Because apples at that time were much larger and heavier than today's iMacs, this caused him a great deal of injury and finally got him out of the orchards for good.

Due to this, Newton was the first person to sell fencing for orchards, develop risk assessment techniques, and to state the theory of gravity, which is simply "Stuff goes down". The entire world was grateful for his discovery. Previous to his declaration, objects and knick-knacks were prone to just floating off in random directions. Cows and sheep were often lost to space. However, the instant Newton uttered the theory of gravity, everything fell to Earth, and things became generally more manageable. New evidence found by botanists now suggests that while Newton was the one that discovered gravity, it was in fact the tree he was sitting under that invented it.

But, this gravitational revelation led to additional statements and observations about how stuff moves, which he then codified into Newton's laws of motion. And yes, you must refer to them as "Newton's" Laws of Motion. He gets very peevish if you don't. And please remember to call him "Sir".

His work in gravity led him to later formulate the "Universal Law of Gravitation," which, if you ask anyone who's studied physics, gravity is the third closest thing in existence to the devil ( friction on inclined planes being second closest and Newton himself taking first place as Lucifer himself ).

Theory of Gravy[edit]

Sir Isaac Newton developed the theory of gravy after consuming 3 sausages in the Hungarian style of eating. He concluded that only a substance like gravy could be so powerful could actually make the sausages palatable. He was wrong, naturally, and was crushed into a quantum singularity due to insurmountable constipation. It was only discovered in 1987 that a new superblend of gravy could be used to make sausages slightly more enjoyable, but unfortunately contained 98% carcinogens. Sir Isaac also mentioned he favoured lard, often around the penile region.

Newton’s Fourth Theory[edit]

In Newton’s fourth Theory he clearly states that all things that appear to be bendy or flexible will hurt like hell if one is whacked by such an object. Rubber bands are also classified under this theory.


In 1666, Newton devised a system of symbols and numbers intended to frustrate and confuse the entire world, starting with me in high school ( that bastard ). Around the same time, a contemporary scientist named Gary Leibniz came up with the same idea, which eventually led to fisticuffs between the two, each claiming that they wore the most uppity stuffed shirt. Eventually, they settled down with many rounds of beers for everyone afterwards, and began drunkenly calculating the area under the barstools with a high degree of accuracy. Just remember, Alcohol and calculus do not mix, don't drink and derive. Additionally, Newton is credited as being the first white and nerdy person to do vector calculus for fun.

The Rmodynamics[edit]

Newton stumbled upon a race of Nigerian imps known as the rmodynamics during his bicycle tour of Eurasia, and as per the custom of the time, immediately enslaved them. Those with paracosmic power still feel the impact of his tyranny.

Laws of Graduation[edit]

Newton is also famous for his three laws of graduation.

  1. A grad student in procrastination tends to stay in procrastination unless an external force is applied to it.[1]
  2. The age, 'a', of a doctoral process is directly proportional to the flexibility, 'f', given by the advisor and inversely proportional to the student's motivation, 'm'. [2]
  3. For every action towards graduation there is an equal and opposite distraction. [3]

Other inventions & discoveries[edit]

Follow inventor Thomas Edison, leaving a congratulatory note on the success of his recent invention.
  • Newtonian Physics
  • Mathematics
  • Theory of Gravity
  • Virginity
  • Prostitution
  • Fig Newton
  • Imaginary numbers
  • Laws of thermodynamics
  • PI equals exactly three
  • the End of Time
  • The Theory of Children Older than their Parents
  • Ragnarok Online
  • Necromancy
  • Vegetarian
  • The largest number
  • Two Shits
  • Newton's laws of motion
  • Newton ( Unit )
  • University of Cambridge
  • Belgiumgium
  • Rainbows
  • X-treme
  • Carbon monoxide
  • Theory of everything
  • Paranormal
  • Second Internet
  • Deep Purple
  • Quantum electromagnetohydrodynamics
  • Paper clip]s
  • Poof, There It Is Theory
  • the years 1000 AD - 1699 AD
  • The Door
  • [[Reciprocal property of statistics
  • Strobe Light
  • Integration
  • Biochemistry
  • Projectile Vomit
  • The UnMobile
  • The year 2200
  • Extreme roller coastering
  • Headphone
  • Laws of Anime Physics
  • International End of the World Day

Later Life[edit]

Professor Newton prior to embarking on a mission to find the Ark of the Covenant.

Newton was knighted by King Henry the VIIII, for his work on inventing the rainbow, by using giant prisms, a practice which continues to this day.

The little known fact was that Newton discovered his homoerotic tendencies later in life and was inspired to create the rainbow by his 22yr old Swiss lover. After his lover was stolen by his archrival Robert Hooke, Newton went on a rampage through the Royal Society and destroyed all of Robert Hooke's portraits. This is why to this day we don’t have any portraits of the famous experimenter Robert Hooke.

Famously, Newton worked on the worst joke in history. This was his only attempt at chemistry.

Newton spent the last years of his life battling a vindictive litigation against Stephen Sondheim, which had also claimed the patent on gravity, which Sondheim had attempted to describe in song.

Newton was also given the honorary title of King. King Isaac Newton reigned over Middlesborough from here to there. During the latter years of his reign King Newton caught the L33T-plague when he ate an infected Otter. His Majesty never truly recovered from this unfortunate happenstance and for the remainder of his life spoke in a constant stream of leetspeek. Driven insane by his condition the King took to living in a Yellow Submarine with his bestest friend Ringo Starr. After a full year of this the legendary Glam-Rock guitar virtuoso Albert Einstein tipped the submarine over into the Sea of Green causing an enraged Newton to leave his vessel and engage Einstein in an epic war. With the aid of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Einstein was able to fatally stab Newton in his left nostril, thereby sending his shade to the underworld. Ringo Star gave up his rock star life and underwent extensive plastic surgery in an attempt to escape the wrath of Einstein and spent the next 30 years as remodeled small plastic blue steam locomotive until he was dismissed by British Rail after they received allegations he was involved in the participation of organised ritual sexual satanic abuse with several other well known forms of public transportation which unfortunately resulted in the gang raping of a somewhat over ripe bowl of fruit. The fruit wishes to remain nameless at this time.

After spending a little while comfortably in his afterlife, he was called upon by Robert E. Lee using a Ouija Board, and helped the General to discover the fabled "Elixir of Life", which was then administered to Jay Leno and Eric Clapton in exchange for a multitude of CD's.

Famous Relatives[edit]

Albert Newton, hybrid superhero of a second grade grandcousin of Newton's third wife, Albert and a Robot worked together with Albert Einstein in the 1900s at the MIT. He published several works on Wombat ranching and coherent Omnitronics and maintains the Fig Newton gallery of Canada until today.