J.K. Rowling

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about J.K. Rowling.

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J. K. Rowling, ecstatic at the thought of signing more books.

You know, she doesn't look the same without that big shiny hat on.

~ Oscar Wilde on J.K. Rowling

She just won't leave me be.

~ Harry Potter on J.K. Rowling

Your Kung Fu is good, but my magic is better!!

~ J.K. Rowling on Hwang Jang Lee

We talked about it and decided to just stay friends.

~ Gandalf on J.K. putting on a few pounds

Money won't change me

~ J.K. Rowling on J.K. Rowling

Alright, it will - give me some more please.

~ J.K. Rowling on J.K. Rowling

Joanne Kombat Rowling is the billionaire bit of mature alright responsible for the Harry Potter books, which are popular with both children and creepy child-like adults. Coming from a poor background, she has risen to become the most powerful woman ever, adored by millions of devoted fans and drooling sycophants.

The 'K' in her name stands for 'Kombat', which she adopted after being advised that young boys only like books with lots and lots of bloody violence. 'Kombat' was also the first name of her great-grandmother's favourite pet lizard, whom she greatly admired. Her graffiti tag is 'JoKoRo'.

With her complex plots, memorable characters and detailed locations, she has captured the hearts and minds of readers all over the world. She keeps the captured hearts in a sealed, refrigerated vault two miles below her mansion. Nobody knows what she does with the minds.

JKR hiding from her insane fans by the use of an ingenious disguise.

Humble Beginnings[edit]

J. K. Rowling was born in a scrapyard in Bristol, the seventh child in what eventually became a fifteen child family. From an early age, she demonstrated a talent for writing and wordplay, talents that were of little use to her as she was expected to scavenge for old tin cans and tyres by the villainous scrapyard owner, a Mr Henry Harper Collins. Protests by her family that she would be more efficient if she were able to selectively collect only the good tin cans were ignored. However, she was able to teach herself to read from the ingredients and nutrition information on the labels, and managed to convince a local high school to accept her, based on the quality of her humourous short story Red Kidney Beans in Sugared, Salted Water.

She later went on to get a Desmond in French and Classics from Exeter University, which just goes to show that a Desmond isn't the career crippler that everybody says it is.

It then turned out that she was Mithrandir's Great Niece and so she joined the Council of Wizards under the name Cadwar Adel ( Sindarin for "Shapely Behind" ).

Harry Potter[edit]

Whilst travelling from Manchester to London, her train was attacked by Welsh bandits. They captured her and tied her to the train tracks, hoping to coerce her into revealing the secrets of the twenty-one letters of the alphabet that weren't W, D, Y, L or F. It was during this ordeal that she first had the idea for Harry Potter, and as soon as she had the thought, a large snowy owl appeared and drove the bandits away. It was probably just a coincidence.

Still tied to the train tracks, she appealed to passers-by to help. But they all refused, fearing that they too would fall victim to the bandits, and hurried on their way. After four hours tied to the tracks, she had sketched out the basic Harry Potter plotline in her head, including Hagrid's death at the hands of Mrs Weasley in book seven. Eventually, her cries were heard by Robin of Bloomsbury, the hero of Sherwood, and he cut her loose. He also bought the publishing rights to Harry Potter for a handful of shiny pennies. He did warn her that there was no money in children's books, advising her to keep her day job of collecting wonky staples from offices and bending them back into shape.

However, he was quickly proved wrong, as the Americans gave her a $100,000 cheque for Harry Potter. This cheque, as she later recalled, 'almost killed me', mainly because it was made of solid lead and dropped on her from a great height at a bungled publicity event.

Richest woman in the world[edit]

Rowling has denied affiliations with the Dark Arts or Scottish Widows.

J. K. Rowling is rich. Richer than the Queen. Filthy, stinking, unbelievably rich. She never goes anywhere by car, preferring to travel in a solid gold steam train fueled by insane fan mail. If there are no train tracks, she simply has them laid down and ripped up after she's gone. Her mansion contains six hundred bedrooms, four ballrooms, two concert halls, a nuclear bomb shelter, a spaceport, a ballet school, a chamber of secrets and an organic farm. The mansion does not, however, employ any cleaners, since anything that gets dirty or dusty is immediately thrown out and replaced, be it a wrought silver bathtub or a 15th Century cathedral organ. She not only has a large collection of Faberge Eggs, she also has a jeweller's workshop for making them and a furnace for melting them again.

38% of the United Kingdom is owned by J.K. Rowling, excluding the Channel Islands and the Isle of Man, which she bought outright and gave to her children as good-behaviour presents. If she ever decided to buy Tesco, it is estimated that she would own more than 100% of Britain, triggering an ownership singularity which would result in her owning everything that currently exists, will exist or has existed.

Her husband earns about £40,000 a year, about the same amount that Rowling earns from dotting the 'i' in 'Hermione'.


Rowling has given birth several times to several different children, but not in that order. Because their very existence delays the release of a new Harry Potter book, fans of her books curse the days on which these children were born. But not with wizard curses. With nerdy, fist-clenched mumbling-under the breath curses.

Mortal enemies[edit]

The JKRDF uses the DDDSNBK6 ( JK47 ) assault rifle loaded with fan girl piercing ammunition.

J. K. has many enemies, and has invested in her own private army, navy and air force to counter this threat. The J. K. Rowling Defence Force is currently rated the seventh best military in the world, just above Saudi Arabia and just below Israel. Her enemies include:

  • Christians who think she's a witch.
  • Witches who think she's insulting their stupid faith.
  • People who have her confused with Simon Fuller.
  • Insane fans who think Harry should have hooked up with Hermione, Draco, Hagrid, Buckbeak, Snape, the Sorting Hat, and the Giant Squid.
  • Insane fans who think it's all real, and can't bear the existence of a 'so-called author'.
  • Fat people - she recently called them 'too fat'.
  • Thin people - she recently called them 'too thin'.
  • Other children's authors who think she's crap.
  • The people at the staple-bending factory where she used to work. There is some overlap with the preceding entry.
  • Terry Pratchett, who just hates her guts - however he knows that his powers are less than hers.

Fun Facts[edit]

  • J.K. Rowling's full name is actually Just Kidding Rollingonthefloorlaughing
  • J. K. Rowling may have actually been created by Nancy Stouffer who wrote the popular "Parry Hotter" series.
  • "Rowling" is not pronounced to rhyme with "howling", but rather rhymes with "screaming your guts out."
  • There is a clue hidden within her name that suggests she may be a joke.
    (Highlight the following text for the answer: The "K" stands for "I may be a joke," of course.)
  • Can change size and weight to fit any clothing or deal with any attacker, can change into birds, beasts, other people - she could be anywhere around you watching.
  • J. K. hasn't yet been attacked and eaten by an insane fan. But give it time.

Military Ventures[edit]

Shortly after acquiring massive sums of money from the publication of her Harry Potter series, Rowling assembled a private army composed of high level wizards and Dakota Fanning. After years of hard work building up these forces, the FDA, having learned of Rowling's intentions, sprung a surprise attack on her headquarters in late 2004. The skirmish resulted in the theft of the manuscript of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

It was later learned that then FDA president Jon Stewart gave the order to acquire the manuscript in order to alter the ending to his own tastes.

More recently, she has led attacks on Turkish embassies all across the Middle East with the help of CNN news correspondent and Jon Stewart look-alike Anderson Cooper.

Charitable Work[edit]

With all her new found wealth she has been able to indulge in a number of charitable works such as providing S&M services to teenage boys for free. And of course there is her war record under the alias Florence Nightingale.


Rowling has been involved in a number of law suits and fist fights with regard to Harry Potter.

Pay Chen Dowling[edit]

In 1998, Pay Chen Dowling sued J.K. Rowling for the amount of 10 billion pounds. Dowling claimed that Rowling had stolen her books and her name (with slight editing) and sold the books as her own. She also claimed that Rowling had a secret cult of evil Nazi ninjas that do everything Rowling tells them to, e.g. stealing books, murdering political figures, judges and authors, etc. The case never made it to court as the judge, Dowling's lawyer, the entire jury and Pay Chen Dowling all disappeared and have never been seen since. J.K.Rowling made a public statement after these people had disappeared: 'All those claims were false, especially the one about the evil Nazi ninjas, and anyone who goes looking for evil Nazi ninjas in my estate will die a terrible death. But not from evil Nazi ninjas.' This article will obviously be deleted, as the evil Nazi ninja cult will delete it. They do not want the word to get out. Write to J.K. about the cult. The answer will surprise you. DO NOT let J.K.Rowling get away with this. DO NOT let the evil Nazi ninja cult take over earth. Do it for Pay Chen Dowling. The cult have deleted this from every other website I have put it on. Hopefully the cult does not reach as far as Uncyclopedia.

Nancy Stuffer[edit]

In the late 1890s Nancy Stuffer, owner of a chain of children's homes founded in the Victorian era, alleged that Harry Potter was a child in one of her homes. This led to a vicious fight with Rowling as Stuffer got stuck in, having gone round late one night and put a couple of bricks through Rowling's windows. Rowling came out and they rolled about on the outside lawn exchanging punches, Stuffer alleged that Rowling used witchcraft to win the fight and that the details of Harry Potter similarily had been obtained by witchcraft - anyway the fight ended with Rowling seated on top of Stuffer's chest, Stuffer was then taken away by the police, prosecuted for breaking the windows and sued by Rowling for not keeping off the grass. Later police found a large number of broomsticks in Stuffer's B&B and she was burned as a witch.

Achoo Publishing House, Ying Tang Ying Ting Ying Piddle Eye Pie[edit]

Magically books published by the Publishing House were overnight transformed from Chinese into Basque, they sued her for witchcraft although she successfully demonstrated that it was the fault of ghost writers not her at all before flying away on a broomstick to publish her latest Harry Potter book: Harry Potter VIII: Harry storms Manhattan

Eskimo Publishers[edit]

In 2003 Rowling and her lawyers sued after Lapland World Distributors one Christmas handed out copies of Harry Potter and the Handkerchief of Bogies to every little child in the world, so to pay for her train, Rowling had had to immediately run off a sequel, in a deal with the publishing house using a time machine the parents were invoiced retrospectively if they wanted to keep the books and Rowling made more money than ever.

Trouser Suits[edit]

J. K. Rowling has vast numbers of Trouser Suits of many colours, many in gold leaf with medals that she wears out and about on her Rowling Train

Leisure Time[edit]

And she now has the money to do many things she once wanted to do, such as:

  • Sliding backwards down the bannisters of Stately Homes.
  • Eating her weight in kidney beans and creating the world's largest human-powered hot-tub.
  • Killing the president

People who haven't thought about having sex with J.K.Rowling[edit]