Jack Bauer

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer. In the background the rosy glow of a nuclear holocaust can be seen.

Born on the 31st of February, John Doe "Jack" Bauer is a vampire( see Season 6 Episode 1 ) )(British-American-Communist anti-terrorist special agent, Head Knight of the Round Table, anti-sleep activist/Physics Professor and all-round person you don't want to piss off. He also has three and a half nipples.

Jack Bauer once said “The herpes virus that I found in the Asian elephants that have died is the same virus that is in African elephants. But it doesn't cause any disease in them,”. I don't know if truer words have ever been spoken.

Adolescence[edit]

As a teenager, Bauer never really fit in with the other kids. It may have been his bad acne or the fact that he was the last person you would ever want to face in the halls without a hall pass. See, Bauer was his high school's hall moniter, the best there ever was. Most of the time when Bauer faced a perp in the halls, he let them off with a warning, "If I ever catch you in these halls again...I'll kill you. And that's not a threat, that's a fact!!!" For a while, everything was pretty quiet, except for that one day. Oh yes, that one day, Jack will never forget it.

See, it started just after Bauer had finished interrogating a couple of exchange students. "Tell me where the pass is!!!" The kids replied, "No me understando." Jack didn't take that very well, so he took out his brand new HK USP and shot them in the ankles. Jack said, "Now, you're going to tell me where your pass is or I'm going to kill you!!!" The kids replied, "You one crazy fucker, no? Jack then proceded to shoot them in the knee caps. With gunshots to the knees and ankles, the kids were finally let off with a warning: "If I ever...catch you again...without...a hall pass...I'll shove a stool down your throat. And believe me...I can shove it the whole way..and it's...painful."

After that incident Jack continued monitering the halls for another 23 hours, not letting anyone out, not even for recess. During the 24th hour, the PTA started asking the principal to replace Bauer with a hall moniter that would play by the rules. The principal tried to defend Bauer:


Principal: "Look, I know the guy's a little...extreme, but he gets results. I mean, there hasn't been a tardy student for almost 9 years."

Parent: "That's cause he killed all the tardy students. He even killed my daughter-"

Principal: "-Ok, ok, I see what you're saying, it's bad to kill students, but look, I got a facility to run, and if you're not going to let me do my job, then you better just fire me right here and right now!!!"

Parent: "She was just 14 years old-"

Principal: "-Ok, ok, I see what you're saying. We should just let the terrorists win, is that what you're saying?"

Parent: ( crying ) "She wanted to be a doctor"

Principal: "What, oh, you crying now? Look, I don't have time for this. Kids as we speak are running around the halls without passes, probably writing graffitti in the bathrooms, probably vulgar and with poor grammar. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?

In a split second, a grenade goes off killing half the parents and stunning the rest. Jack kicks the door open and shoots the remaing PTA members in the face. The one with the daughter is left.

Parent: "Why are you doing this?"

Bauer: "Because I have to. Because this is what needs to be done." Jack then pulls the trigger, and the day that never seemed would end has ended. The PTA has been eliminated and the children will remain safer for another day.

Notable achievements[edit]

  • Had to defuse a bomb in 10 seconds while killing 13 armed terrorists with only 3 bullets.
  • Was killed by the Master Chief and had an energy sword up his ass, but got up and ran away with a smoking asshole the size of a soda can
  • Jack Bauer once took on all your moms. At once.
  • Jack Bauer once got Helen Keller to talk. She said "please stop breaking my fingers, I am deaf".
  • Bauer once slept for five minutes. To him it was a coma, 67 people died during these five minutes.
  • Died several times and came back to life.
  • Got Kevin Smith to admit that Clerks is a shitty movie he made while high.
  • Bauer once ran in to Al Gore at a petting zoo. Without Jack having to do anything, Gore burst into tears, apologised for inventing the internet and admitted that there's no such thing as global warming. In fact, the earth is getting cooler.
  • Quit heroin in one day.
  • He currently holds the world record for amount of days without taking a crap. His winning time was 49 days, 16 hours, 12 minutes, and 25 seconds, 3 hours better than his previous record. The result of of this feat is now better known as the Tunguska event.
  • Once made a terrorist suspect torture and interrogate himself.
  • In under five minutes, Bauer got President Clinton to admit that he "did have sexual relationships with that woman", as well as confessing that he has an attraction for ugly women.
  • Bauer is a member of Wikipedia's Counter Vandalism Unit.
  • Invented the tricycle.
  • Ate a raw grue.
  • Was the one who took all the Abu Ghraib photos. He originally intended to use them for his Christmas cards.
  • Wins the Nobel Peace Prize for torturing Israel and Hizb'allah into a peace treaty.
  • In a deleted scene from Snakes on a Plane,when Samuel L Jackson quoted that he was tired of these "muthafuckin snakes on this muthafuckin plane" Jack Bauer appeared and proceeded to break every single snakes fingers, he didn't let a little thing like snakes not having fingers stand in his way. Sam then suggested they share a Big Cahuna burger ( they're damn good burgers ) but Bauer yelled "There's no time!" and threw Sam off the plane.
  • Got Elton John, Mark Foley, and that guy from N'Sync to come out of the closet. His method: douse the closet with five gallons of gasoline, then light a match and give them till the count of 24.
  • Interrogated all the animals at the National Zoo in Washington DC to find out how much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and actually got a quantitative answer, other than the usual, "A woodchuck could chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood." ( Chuck Norris was not pleased with this )
  • Teaches Advanced Physics at Cowbridge Comprehensive School after the mysterious disappearance of Mike Randall. Professor Bauer specialises in the physics of inhumane cruelty and using complex mathematics is able to prove that it is, in fact, possible to solve every problem with violence.

Jack Bauer Emmy Massacre[edit]

On 27 August 2006, Jack Bauer loaded up on lawyers, guns and money thanks to his friend Warren Zevon and went to the Emmy awards. After using his SIG pistol to plug a few Emmy judges ( "Liberal, commie, pinko scum, I tells ya! That's what they are! If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking Russian and watching Knot's Landing!" Bauer was quoted as saying in his acceptance speech ) and taking Conan O'Brien hostage, Jack Bauer was awarded best actor. After taking a machine gun to a bunch of terrorists cleverly disguised as ushers, photojournalists,C-list actors and hired help and disarming a nuclear bomb hidden under Oprahs seat, the autobiographical 24 won best drama. Bauer however refused to give an acceptance speech for the best-drama award, saying "There is no [[time]!" and went home to do some "knitting" and "sewing".

Current goings on[edit]

President George W. Bush recently tried to contact Bauer to politely ask him why he has not yet apprehended Osama bin Laden but could not get hold of Bauer as no-one knows where he is ( Bauer is currently being held "captive" on a Chinese ship ). Bauer is expected to stay on the ship until the spring season start. At that time he will likely kill everyone in China and proceed to North Korea to work as a consultant on their anti-terrorist program. It is expected that this will take him around 24 hours, 0 minutes, 0.0 seconds ( including ad breaks ). He will then proceed to capture Osama bin Laden before politely explaining to Bush not to pressure him for time (by breaking some of Bush's fingers ).

Future Projects[edit]

  • A Mastercard ad.
  • An "Interrogation for Dummies" book.
  • Force the Pope to canonize Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and James Earl Jones as saints of the Roman Catholic church.
  • Create a cocktail called 'the Jack Bauer' that distills the entire Jack Bauer experience into a five-ounce drink. Done in 2006
    • Ingredients: three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed.
    • If anyone other than Jack Bauer requests a Jack Bauer at a bar they will receive: a shot to the face.
  • A reality show, entitled "You're Out of Time!!!", in which contestants will most certainly end up with gun shots to the face.
  • Killing James Bond, without a license.

Cooking With Jack Bauer[edit]

A show to begin airing on the Food network for the fall 2007 season. During his stay in China, he will be attending a famous Szechuan cooking school. Jack Bauer will graduate at the top of his class, in part to his excellent cooking skills, and the fact he's shot all other members of the class who cook better than him.

On his new show, Jack will be featuring various dishes he's picked up from his world travels in the Counter Terrorism Unit. Such dishes will include grilled goat kebabs he tried while in Uzbekistan, California fish tacos, and other tasty treats. He'll also show you exciting new uses for everyday kitchen utensils in the areas of torturing and interrogating terrorism suspects ( tip: tune in Jan. 8th to see the 101 fun ways you can use the corkscrew ).

His show will also include the feature "Force-feed the PETA member", a five-minute section where a randomly-selected guest from the audience spins a wheel full of various meat-dishes, and the chosen dish will then be force-fed to the PETA member personally by Jack Bauer.

Future guests will include:

  • Martha Stewart, who will demonstrate a couple of dishes you can create from prison food from the comfort of your cell.
  • Richard Nixon, who will be baking pastries and kicking hippies with Jack Bauer
  • Mel Gibson and his famous Australian kosher dishes.
  • Hugo Chavez, who'll receive a knuckle sandwich from Jack Bauer.
  • PFC Lyndie England, who'll demonstrate various pork-dishes used in questioning suspects at Abu Ghraib, including her famous 'desert trailer trash spare ribs'.

Home Interrogation, the Jack Bauer Method[edit]

In 2010, Jack Bauer will appear on a late-night infomercial offering a machine for do-it-yourself home torture and interrogation. Developed by his close friend Sayid, Bauer guarantees excellency and outstanding performance regarding the machine. "This mach... WAIT! THERE'S NO TIME!"

How to survive Jack Bauer[edit]

Historians estimate that of the 1,337 people to have interacted with Bauer, roughly 4.2 have survived. Many books have been written on how to increase one's chances of not dying when encountering Bauer. Initial strategies included the good old duck and cover and if I can't see you, you can't see me. Both of these have proved ineffective.

Penn and Teller on what not to do when you encounter Bauer.

With the improvement in computer power, many human lives have been saved by running simulations on how to survive instead of sending interns to test theories.

Here are the top strategies given by experts today:

  1. Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, that you cry after ejaculating and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
  2. Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not dying.
  3. Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
  4. Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.
  5. Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill.

People Who've Survived Jack Bauer[edit]

  • Jack Bauer
  • Big Boss
  • this guy
  • Daniel Craig
  • Sean Connery ( damn straight! )
  • You ( until he finds out how you're involved in the conspiracy )
  • Christopher Walken
  • Solid Snake
  • Bruce Lee
  • Chuck Norris

People Jack Bauer Will Kill Next[edit]

  • Every Mother Fucking Chinese Wanker
  • Chuck Norris
  • Superman
  • Megatron
  • Lewis Craig
  • That Girl
  • Satan
  • The Jackson Five
  • The Black Eyed Peas
  • Osama bin Laden
  • You
  • Donald Rumsfeld
  • Jeff Fahey
  • Everyone who believes in Global Warming

Famous People Killed by Jack Bauer[edit]

  • Kurt Cobain, Didn't see that one, did you?
  • The whole Middle East
  • Bill Gates
  • Donald Sutherland
  • Kiefer Sutherland
  • Steve Irwin
  • Abraham Lincoln
  • Homer Simpson
  • That guy in Hour 6 of Season 5
  • Samwise Gamgee
Bauer's daughter Kim, unfortunately shown with clothes. If you have picture of her without clothes, please send it to me.
WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY DAUGHTER?!! And that's the last time Kim saw little Johnny.

Nine simple rules for dating Jack Bauer's daughter[edit]

In 2000, Jack Bauer adopted 23-year-old Elisha Cuthbert as his daughter. She subsequently changed her legal name to Kim Bauer, but continues using Elisha Cuthbert as her stagename.

  1. Jack really only has one rule for dating his daughter; "If she sees your penis, I'm cutting it off." Therefore, you should do it in the dark.
  2. Make sure you have her home whenever Jack wants Kim home. He WILL find you. The man finds terrorists and government plots in 24 hours; finding out where you are if you're out past curfew will take five minutes, three if theres traffic.
  3. If you're a terrorist and dating Jack's daughter to get close to him, face it, Jack's going to find you out and you're going to die.
  4. Stay on Kim's good side. She's got her dad wrapped around her finger, and her dad is Jack Bauer. You don't want her dad mad at you. He's not going to drop dead from a heart attack at random moments.
  5. Hold open the doors for her. This way, if the door is connected to a bomb and intended for her, you'll die first. If Jack's daughter dies in an explosion and you don't, he'll make you wish you died in the explosion.
  6. Don't even consider cheating on Jack's daughter or dating someone else behind her back. Her dad figures out government conspiracies for a living; finding out you're cheating on his daughter will take five minutes.
  7. A few choice, polite phrases will go a long way when talking with Jack Bauer. These phrases include: "Yes, sir", "thank you, sir" and "please don't kill me, sir".
  8. That little red dot on your shirt is not spilled ice cream or ketchup; it's the laser sight on Jack's gun. It's probably the last thing you'll ever see.
  9. Although Kim is naive, and stupid, Jack isn't, so don't even think about it buddy....it meaning anything at all.
  10. If you touch her in any barely suggestive way, Jack will rip off whatever body part you used to touch her and beat you to death with it.

Hobbies[edit]

Jack spends a lot of time on his work ( sometimes 24 hours to the minute ), but he does have a few hobbies during his time off.

  • Drawing pictures of the prophet Mohammed using bacon grease.
  • Playing Turbo Texas Hold'em. Bauer is credited as being excellent at reading his opponents, sometimes using just a 9mm.
  • Plays nuclear football for Everton.
  • Knitting ( Jack Bauer's code word for killing ) and sewing ( Jack's code word for torture )
  • Torturing and interrogating washing machines to find out what they do with the missing socks.
  • Catching up on bath room visits that he does not have time for in the 24 series.
  • Rescuing his daughter Kim from yet another "boyfriend" who turns out to be a terrorist/psychopath/druggie/woman.
  • Not sleeping or pooping

Death[edit]

Jack Bauer finally dies in 24, in the year 802701 ( refer to 2100 ). At the Age of 63 ( jack bauer broke the hands of a clock until it made time stop for him ), Jack Bauer decides to retire. Unfortunately, if he did that, the world would be overrun with terrorists and corrupt politicians within seconds. To prevent this, Jack swallowed every single evil-doer on the planet, along with the entire world's arsenal of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons. However, this gave Jack Bauer a bad case of indigestion. Jack choked on an antacid and died. At his funeral, he revived himself for one hour in order to diffuse a bomb hidden under his coffin. He then died again. Jack continued on to hell because he felt like it. Besides, you can't do all the fun things up there... In hell Bauer broke the Devils fingers and put a knife in his knee. Thus freeing himself from hell to return to Earth. Only to realize that his daughter was pregnant, by HIM!!!

Notable quotes[edit]

I think he really doesn't know

~ Jack Bauer on George Bush

There is no time!

~ Jack Bauer on time

DAMNIT AUDREY!

~ Jack Bauer on Audrey

TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!

~ Jack Bauer on Audrey

WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!

~ Jack Bauer on anyone he doesn't trust ( aka everyone )

Son of a bitch!!!

~ Jack Bauer on George W. Bush.

You're running out of time!!!

~ Jack Bauer on his wife at the end of Day 1.

I love it!

~ Jack Bauer on whispering on the phone

Someone Set Us Up The Bomb!!!!

~ Jack Bauer on All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Yes I am breaking protocol!!

~ Jack Bauer on Everyone at CTU

Some Random Facts About Jack Bauer[edit]

  • Once killed a man with just his teeth. ( You think we're lying? You need to watch more TV. )
  • Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.
  • It should be noted that Jack Bauer is the only person feared by Chuck Norris
  • Jack Bauer had a pet cat named Simon. There was no irony involved.
  • Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl. By himself.
  • Jack Bauer once made a boy lick paint off a wall so it would dry faster.
  • Jack Bauer dances to Tupac when interrogating Rick James.
  • Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 by crying so hard everyone felt sorry for him and gave him first prize and a frilly pink dress.
  • Stalin once said: "The death of one is a tragedy. The death of millions is Jack Bauer having a bad day."
  • Every mathematical inequality officially ends with " < Jack Bauer".
  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemons.
  • Each time Daniel Craig wins a match, Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Everytime Daniel Craig's balls got scratched by Le Chiffre, a car explodes infront of Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't need to use the toilet because he beats enough shit out of other people!
  • Once Superman and Jack Bauer had a bet over "who is the bravest man alive on Earth?". Since that day, Superman wears his underpants over his pants.
  • It is commonly assumed that Jack Bauer performs all his bodily functions off-camera. Actually, Jack Bauer modified his bodily functions shortly before the start of season 2 - he sweats urine and bleeds feces, which accounts for 75% of his screen time. He is one nasty mofo.
  • Jack Bauer killed Dumbledore
  • Jack Bauer does not read books, he breaks their fingers until they tell him what he needs to know.
  • Jack Bauer never worked for CTU. CTU worked for him.
  • Jack Bauer helped U2 find what they were looking for.
  • If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
  • It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill G-Unit.
  • Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
  • Jack Bauer can win at chess after being checkmated.
  • Jack Bauer once ate his own face just to show how truly awesome he is.
  • They originally planned to have Jack Bauer in a sex scenes with Teri Bauer, but the producers had to cut it because it took all 24 hours.
  • After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. And my back is killing me."
  • The Rolling Stones were wrong. Jack Bauer can ( and does ) always get what he wants.
  • Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  • Jack Bauer's enemies are called "terrorists" because they are terrified of Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer starts on world 8-4 when he plays Super Mario Bros. When Bowser sees Jack Bauer coming he jumps off the bridge, preferring lava instead of fighting Jack.
  • Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
  • When Jack Bauer farts, time stops.
  • Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.
  • You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
  • Every time you blink Jack Bauer kills a terrorist, not because you blinked, but because that how many terrorists he kills.
  • Jack Bauer is the sole editor of every article on Wikipedia.
  • Chuck Norris originally made anyone handicapped who parked in a handicapped spot. Jack Bauer came along and killed Chuck Norris and will kill anyone who parks in a handicapped spot.
  • Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't use his x-ray vision because he doesn't need it.
  • Jack Bauer is also called Jaws because he will never die.
  • The only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Jack Bauer needs someone to make fun of because GOD got boring to make fun of.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't celebrate holidays, holidays celebrate Jack Bauer.
  • When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
  • The largest, thickest most heavy book in the world was published yesterday, entitled 'Things Jack Bauer can do'. A movie version is due to be released, and is expected to have a running time of 158 hours. In realtime.
  • Jack Bauer would win the Poker World Series because nobody bluffs Jack Bauer.
  • A Jack Bauer action figure is more intimidating than most weapons.
  • Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack-Fucking-Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer has killed prisoners, tortured suspects, and used less than civil tactics all in the name of national security. Yet he has never been punished; for it would take an Armageddon to punish Jack Bauer. Of course Armageddon never happens because there's no time for the End of Time.
  • Jack Bauer DOES just walk into Mordor.
  • Jack Bauer made Darth Vader call him daddy.
  • Jack Bauer figured out Unified Field Theory, when he eliminated time as a factor because THERE IS NO TIME.
  • The answer is 42, because the question is 'how many terrorists has Jack Bauer killed while you were reading this fact?'
  • Stone Cold didn't say so - Jack Bauer did.
  • Jack Bauer could tell you what this fact is, but then he would have to kill you.
  • Hell, he'll probably kill you anyway.
  • Criminals have nightmares about Keyser Soze. Keyser has nightmares about Jack Bauer.
  • They tried to make Jack Bauer go to rehab - he say no, no, no. You don't want to know what else he did.
  • Jack Bauer takes place in real time.
  • Jack Bauer knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout.
  • Jack Bauer is the angel of death. In the Middle East, dying is known as "getting a visit from Jack Bauer".
  • Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working with CTU: free ammo from CTU!
  • Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
  • The reason Edgar Stiles has such a bad lisp is because Jack Bauer socked him the face after saying Chuck Norris was cool.
  • Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
  • Jack Bauer doesn't need to sleep. He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
  • Jack Bauer could talk backwards and still make sense.
  • The only person that can kill Jack Bauer is Jack Bauer himself. Not even Steve Ballmer can do it - he hasn't done it before and he won't do it again.
  • If Jack Bauer tried to kill himself, he would defeat himself, causing a paradox that would anihilate the whole universe BUT Jack Bauer.
  • Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition because they expect Jack Bauer instead.
  • Baron Samedi in Live and Let Die was Jack Bauer in makeup, because Jack is the only man who cannot die.
  • Jack Bauer can solve any problem, no matter how complicated, in 24 hours.
  • Jack Bauer was born prematurely, there was no time.
  • In the bonus features for Season 1, their is footage of Jack Bauer having a staring competition with the sun. It is still being continuously filmed to this day.
  • Jack Bauer carries 52 bullets per day. Enough to kill 52 terrorists. With the remaining ammo ( which tends to vary between 20-25 bullets since he kills several criminals with a single shot ) he shoots his daughter's boyfriends.
  • Jack Bauer uses radio conventions such as "over" in person.
  • When Jack Bauer kicks someone in the balls, they cum fear.
  • Jack Bauer was once two people, but they both died and thus there was room for Jack Bauer.

24 Facts About Jack Bauer[edit]

  1. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  2. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  3. There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.
  4. Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a fucking terrorist.
  5. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  6. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  7. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  8. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
  9. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  10. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  11. Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
  12. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. This is not fair because "everything < Jack Bauer."
  13. If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that person is you… well amigo, you’re fucked.
  14. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.
  15. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  16. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  17. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
  18. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
  19. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
  20. Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under his pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.
  21. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.
  22. Jack Bauer once shot himself 10 times just to prove that 50 Cent is a bitch.
  23. Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
  24. As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
  25. Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
  26. While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
  27. Jack Bauer can watch all 5 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
  28. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  29. Someone once tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamn bomb was.
  30. Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
  31. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef? Then it's fucking beef.
  32. Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
  33. Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
  34. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  35. Every time Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
  36. If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
  37. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists - Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
  38. Jack Bauer 1/8th Muslim. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man actually ate an Arab!
  39. Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  40. David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
  41. Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…
  42. There's no use crying over spilt milk. Unless it was Jack's milk. Oh you're so screwed.
  43. David Blaine ( 1970 - 2006 ) once tried to make Bauer disappear with one of his magic tricks... Jack + pissed + loaded gun... you do the math.
  44. Every time ther... ( Jack interrupts ) THERE'S NO TIME!
  45. Jack Bauer doesn't conform, the world conforms to the whims of Jack Bauer
  46. Bauer has the power to end terrorism, but he would grow bored
  47. Bauer speaks over 506,841,324 different languages, but 506,841,323 of them are pain
  48. Bauer is a master of every time of firearm.....ever
  49. Bauer was and is the inspiration for every protanganist in every media outlet ever
  50. If Jack Bauer ever looks at you, and smiles? Trust me buddy, you're fucked.
  51. Jack Bauer once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one...
  52. god created Chuck Norris. Jack created God!


Ideas: Gamma Force / Delta Forge Terrorist Alert - GIMP - Call Batman, Call Superman, Call Jack Bauer [A graphical depiction on America's plan for dealing with terrorists] FEMA's action plan Homeland Security's anti-terrorist master plan Breaking fingers - running theme LOST Desperate Housewives Scrubs Smallville

A typical terrorist weapon - note that it is readily assembled from everyday household materials.

Check Plus One War on terrorism Linux 24 hour day, once every 1.5 years MacGuyver Real time Chinese embassy Osama Bin Laden Nina Meyers Britney Spears Soccer World Cup Star Jones North Korea Abu Grail Geneva Convention

Check George Bush OJ Simpson Bill Clinton Helen Keller Simpsons South Park CSI Air Force One Nuclear football Rambo Houdini Segway

Things we all would like to know JFK assassination Moon landing conspiracy

Time machine - Fuck no

Oscar Wilde