Jackass "Bat Fuck Insane" Thompson ( b. February 31, -1337, in South Africa. He is one of the great master debaters ( and masturbators ) of our time, and the inventor and only known practitioner of fagjutsu. Many people have tried to best him in debate, but time and time again, Jack Thompson proves too great a match for his foes. His success in debate is a carefully calculated combination of proving his point with solid evidence, abstaining from logical fallacies, politely answering every challenge to his arguments, and requiring his opponents to fill out a card indicating with check boxes whether they are bisexual or not. He also appeared in the 2015 movie The Club and is the cousin of Michael Jackson.
He supports the use of the command line for education computers in school: he has proven once again in his brilliant eloquence that even PONG can cause life-ruining damage to young people.
A Jack Thompson ( Jakius assikus ) is most readily identified by the unusual rapid vertical growth of white ass hair on its head, along with permanently dark circles under its eyes. Though other species of lawyer may have similar features, the shape of the plumage is what sets the "Jack Thompson" apart. The common sounds attributed to the subspecies are:
- Seriously, are all you gamers on drugs or what?
- MURDER SIMULATOR!
- ...Or Else!
- I'm not listening I'm not listening LA LA LA LA LA!
- How dare you disagree with me on anything!
- Hating GTA because it's getting to close the truth that Jack Thompson is a mass murderer
- Gay sexual content
- Communist suggestions
- Kill it, It hates the Sims
- "I am an angel of the lord, dick"
- Avert your eyes Children!
- Mommy, why doesn't anyone like me?
- Mommy, why don't you like me?
- Well I'm sorry mom, its not my fault I'm a 50 year old virgin!
- No dad, please don't hit me! arg... I've gotta take out my pent up rage on video games.
- Video Games are to blame for everything! Columbine! 9/11! The Lincoln Assassination! And even the cause of me staying stuck in the closet!
- He's a fuckin' dumbass, Vid games are good!
The controversy is, obviously, that Jack Thompson hates videogames. Jack also hates anything fun or happy. This is because Jack had a traumatic experience with a Pong game, has never had fun, was never happy as a child, and shall never have in his possession more than three pubic hairs at one time.
Jack Thompson has also been known to quite frequently visit a whorehouse in downtown . His favorite lady/man is a former ice god/goddess hermaphrodite mermaid blob that eats hairspray. When away from the whorehouse, Jack also enjoys sodomizing giraffes while eating paint chips.
Jack Thompson, lovingly known as "Jackie-Boy", "Shit Stain", "Cum Dump", "Ass Clown", Satan, "the retard down the road", "Brains-for-balls" and "that kid that will suck you dick so hard for only $.25 and will even snowball you if you like", was born out of an incestuous marriage on July 23, 1358. He is said to be related both to Kayne West,and the Grinch. He showed great prowess in the art of debate from the start. At the age of three, he had already begun spewing , using his father's position as an obese waffle to force his fellow toddlers into submission. At the age of seven, Thompson unleashed the power of saying "Or else!" at the end of each response during a formal debate. At the age of 93 he finnally lost his virginity. His eloquence was believed to have modeled after Steve Ballmer, his only friend in high school, as well as his boyfriend, Prince Charles IV. This was his first step towards joining the Justice League.
By eighteen years of age, Jack Thompson was now an official member of the Buttsex League. After only 3 days as a member he was kidnapped by Ray Charles and was shown the ultimate truth: that video games, and not irresponsible parenting and psychological disorders, were the cause of crime. He quickly quit, partly due to his teammates referring to him as "That Bitch Who Has More STDs In His Anus Than The Pope Gets At The Horny Boys' Convention."
He began a crusade to rid the word of any video games. His first victim was Super Mario Bros., which contained the sick phrase "I'm sorry Mario, but our princess is in another castle!" Lucky for America's youth, Jack realized that the word "I'm" was inappropriate for kids as the I looks kind of like a penis and the M looks like upside down boobs. He made the public aware of this, and was appointed supreme ruler of boys' anuses. It was not long until he announced his plan to purge the world of the evil of games.
The first portion of his plan involved the destruction of, obviously, video games. With Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman at his side, he has revealed to the world that people who play video games are all, in fact, on drugs. Backing this fact up with scientific evidence, graphs, rabies, and Super Ninja Pancake-Frying Skills, his eloquent words have shown the world where the next piece of shit will come from.
Jack's first video game experience actually came long after this, when a 50 in 1 TV Pong game lured him into an alley and proceeded to tentacle rape him with its yaoi paddles. An artist's impression exists of that fateful day in Miami.
Since his discovery concerning gamers, he has married both Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman, despite his public objections to homosexuals. His open acceptance of hypocrisy and bigotry are what allow him to sleep at night, as his brain is powered by horse shit. Unfortunately for Jack, this has not been well accepted by the public.
Although Jack has always been known as something of a social pariah and fucking moron, he did gain a degree of acclaim after an epiphany caused him to sign with World Wrestling Entertainment as an active competitor. After successfully winning two championships, Jack left the company after realizing his epiphany was nothing more than a simple aneurysm, followed by a brain fart and excessive drooling.
At this point, he was marked for assassination by every intelligent person in the Universe. The bounty for his head has been collected an unknown number of times, but he continues to return. The specific cause of this phenomenon ( also known as a natural disaster ) is not clear, but it is suspected that Satan is the root cause of this occurrence. Whether Satan simply does not want him in Hell, or because Satan desires to torture the Universe with his presence is not known. When asked, Satan declined to comment, and who would blame him?
He has a son, the famous engineer Jack Johnson. He has been known to go to the beach and rape sand castles, as well as count his dick for fun and enjoyment.
Jack Thompson in the Media
Beyond being marked by all intelligent people in the Universe, Jack Thompson has been tagged for death, capture, and rape ( in that order ) by Sun Tzu, the seventh gunman involved in the JFK assassination. When Jack then began making advances towards Sun Tzu, they had the following email exchange:
- Sun Tzu: "Go away."
- Jack: "Get a name and a life, or else."
- Sun Tzu: "Or else? Oh Jack, you're a blue berry muffin of creamy fun."
With his heart broken, Jack moved on to easier targets. Namely,Microsoft and Bungie.
Thompson was marked the 12,046,982nd person who Steve Ballmer ( despite their close, possibly homosexual relationship in high school ) has vowed "To Fucking Kill" after accusing Microsoft of being "Mindless Violent Drug Addicted Pedophiles on Drugs, or else" after discovering that Microsoft created video games.
He also had a recent, and thankfully brief, stint in porn, playing a small role in Hot Coffee as an African American. The film received was accepted with only minor amounts of enthusiasm, mostly due to the lack of nudity. Horny teenagers across the country were fucking pissed.
He has been nominated over fourteen times for the 'Jack Ass of the Century' award, the first of which was awarded after claiming video games were the cause of World War II. He received this award as a merit of pride, and of great accomplishment, but entirely missed the pun on his name. Hilarity ensued.
Jack was also reported in 1941 that he was killed by Hitler because he saw him as "Too much of an evil bitch"
Other noteworthy awards:
- Jack was awarded the "Best Grammar Award 2005" by the American Bar Association.
- Jack Thompson won the "Biggest Douche in the Universe" award in 2057.
- Jack was dubbed "Sociopath of the Year" by Entertainment Weekly.
- He won "Asshole of the Year" eight times in a row. Each time, winning against an actually asshole.
- Thompson is apparently a Soldier of God. When asked, God declined to comment ( though he did ask that his name not be associated with Jack Thompson anymore ). Why? Because Jack Thompson is not a soldier of God, he's just Jack Thompson. And either way, the world still hates him.
- Thompson is, apparently, an expert on suicide, since he has been known to issue comments about a gamer's death. This in spite of the fact that he ( Thompson ) chooses not to practice it on himself.
- Jack Thompson is a two-time WWE Champion but has resigned himself from this career after being a major factor in the Montreal Incident.
- Jack has won the "National Make Everything Boring as He Is" award.
- Jack is the world record holder for "Person who went from a Nobody to International Super-Dick in a single day."
- Jack Thompson has received a medal for saying that "Children Have No Rights."
- Jack Thompson has received the "Zombie Genocider" Award for Dead Rising on the XBox 360 in under 10 minutes.
- Jack Thompson is the holder of the "Person to be Violated by Rabid Monkeys in the Near Future" award. Yes Jack, they're coming for YOU!
- Jack Thompson is also the only human in recorded history to be turned down for sex by his own hand.
Affair with your mom
Jack Thompson's sexual past is much vaunted. Boasting to have made love with animals such as crabs, falcons, giraffes, Courtney Love, cats, Your Mom, and his own butt. Jack's sexual career is highly varied and mostly nauseating. Thompson has also had intercourse with inanimate objects, such as glue, Rosie O'Donnell, desks, your face, and is especially into game related "plushies".
Such high amounts of sexual promiscuity has led to Jack being a festering heap of STDs.
Contact with Thompson is generally discouraged as the sheer vast amount of bacteria and disease that can be found on his skin is worse than that of your local K-Mart. Preventive measures should be taken, including thorough showers before and after contact, a HazMat ( Hazerdous Material ) suit, and a liberal supply of mace. Despite the obvious public health risk, the United States government refuses to place him in a federal institution, as he has threatened to "Give them gonorrhea... or else" if they do so.
While many young boys across the country have filed charges of rape and sodomy against Jack Thompson, he has combated all of these accusations by saying "The only reason the boys have these warped views in their heads is because of the video games they play... or else." Or perhaps, as most contest, it is simply because Jack Thompson is a sick pedophile, as well as sick zoophile, and necrophile who shares all 3 of past sexual experience ( Consisting of 2 dead male moose, and a dead male hooker } with his "Friends" before raping them.
It has recently been discovered that Jack Thompson's crusade against video games may in fact be an elaborate front to hide the fact that he leads a secret other life. His alter-ego's secret name is actually Sunwind moonsong, and he is a high-ranking member of NORML who is controversial in the organization because of his addiction to video game pornography, especially the type that involves babies, animals, and theme park characters, and a lack of consent from at least one of the parties involved.
Important Court Cases
With his swift attacks against the evil video game industry, Jack Thompson had won many important cases that help the cause of eliminating offensive content from the media.
The list of important cases he won include the following:
- In 1066, he succeeded in banning "interactive poetry" causing the battle of Hastings.
- In 1985, he successfully sued Mario for telling kids to eat shrooms and jump on turtles. Jack Thompson was awarded 500 gold coins from the lawsuit.
- In 1986, he successfully sued Frogger because he looked like a sperm when was younger, Jack Thompson was awarded with a year supply of flies.
- In 1989, he sued Tetris arguing that it was an obscene video game, as it involved sliding pegs into holes. He also argued that the long1x4 piece resembles a phallus.
- In 1991, he successfully sued Kirby for promoting homosexuality, due to the fact he was pink and he liked to suck stuff. Kirby then ate him, but spit him back out as he was having thoughts of suicide.
- In 1992, he successfully sued the creators of Barney an episode aired in which Barney taught kids how to make smores.
- In 1995, he managed to sue Super Metroid because of a hidden "love"-minigame with the Mother Brain. He was awarded with a free SNES video game.
- In 1998, he succeeded in suing Hideo Kojima for making Pokémon, despite the fact that Hideo Kojima had absolutely nothing to do with the series. Following the case, several semen-filled Pokémon plushies and a kilogram of cocaine were found at Thompson's house. Thompson declined to comment.
- In 1999, he succeeded in finding a connection between a 16 year old kid from Texas and Rockstar Games, the video game company that had placed a used condom on his front porch, attached with a note that read "You will never use this".
- 2002, he discovered that Halo was the cause of 9/11. He was awarded a 3 month cruise in the Bahamas and a one-night stand with a poor lad from Croatia.
- In 2003, he successfully sued Homestar Runner for arson of his house. He was awarded his own Strong Bad email, which was never aired, owing to the presence of said lad from Croatia.
- In 2005, a sex minigame is found in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Jack Thompson sues the developers until they end up living on the streets of Manhattan, then jerks off to the sex minigame.
- In 2006, Jack sued Wikipedia for libel. He then praised Uncyclopedia for their fair and completely honest article, stating "I like penises, in the butthole."
- In 2006, He sued Florida’s legal regulatory association for conspiring “against his rights as a citizen and pedophile's rights activist”. At the same time, in an alternate dimension, he sued a Florida veterinarian for malpractice and "accusing him of being human".
- In 2006, he sued Rockstar Games over making Bully because it reminded him of his childhood when he received a 'swirly' from the girl's field hockey team after discovering him masterbating in the girl's locker room.
- In 2006, Jack Thompson unsuccessfully sued Microsoft for 'facilitating video game addiction'. Evidence shows his lack of clothing during the court session might have resulted in this outcome.
- In 2006, Jack Thompson sued Nintendo and Rockstar for adding Mario and Luigi to Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The judge declared a mistrial.
- In 2007, Jack Thompson attempted to sue the Angry Nintendo Nerd for creating a monopoly, alleging that the Nerd was putting him out of business by encouraging people not to play games for free, thereby destroying Jack Thompson's estimated $80 billion hourly rate. The Angry Nintendo Nerd counter sued Thompson, alleging that Thompson regularly takes unlicensed "diarrhea dumps". Thompson was forced to relinquish his shares in Rolling Rock.
- In 2007, Jack Thompson sued Coca-Cola for making their own version of Grand Theft Auto. He was awarded a two liter bottle of coke.
- In 2027, Twenty years to the day after he sued the Angry Nintendo Nerd, Jack Thompson sued Nintendo for making Nintengirls argueing that it was too good for anyone other then himself. Shigeru Miyamoto fought back, and alerted people to the fact that Jack Thompson is a shark. The judges then ruled that Jack Thompson truly was a shark, and for this he was sentenced to work as a punching bag/condom in Soviet Russia for 15 years.
- In 2107, Jack Thompson is shot in the face by a pregnant teen gamer/hitman. Arriving at Hell, he promptly sues Satan for not keeping his part of the deal, and proceeds to ass-rape him.
- In 2110, Jack Thompson takes over Hell, and sues God for making Shigeru Miyamoto, Hideo Kojima, and Hironobu Sakaguchi. God tries to smite Thompson, to which Thompson states that God was infringing upon his gay rights. God smites himself, and Jack Thompson becomes God.
- In 2117, he went back in time to 1066.
- In 2666, Jack Thompson invades Earth with an army of evil, only to be defeated by a barrage of sharks who take revenge on Thompson for making them look like stupid dipshits.
- In 1620 Jack Thompson was the only man tossed overboard from the Mayflower as she sailed for America,because the Pilgrims thought he was too much of a prude.He was adopted by a school of
sharks who recognized him as one of their own.
- Jack Thompson is gay.
- Jack Thompson was in the first graduating class of RIT.
- Thompson is known to have had his pocket picked several times by the infamous reploid thief "Marino." He attempted to bring charges each time, but she was never brought to court, something about "People who have affairs with robots and flower pots deserve what they get."
- Jack Thompson is reported to not have any testicles or penis. Instead, there is only a hole... like a bird.
- Supposedly, Frank Zappa meant the title of an instrumental piece he wrote, "Beat it With Your Fist" as a piece of advice to anyone who meets Thompson in a dark alleyway and does not have a Thompson gun with them.
- Jack unsuccessfully sued EA for Madden 06. He complained that the game should be rated adults only because everyone in the game is naked under their clothes.
- It has been proved that "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" is the only thing he has said that makes any sense.
- A spoof of Twisted Sister's song "We're Not Gonna Take It" titled "We're Not Gonna Take It In The Butthole" is dedicated to the many boys Jack Thompson has raped.
- While not trying to destroy the video game industry, Jack Thompson invented the beaded electric ass-dildo. It is still currently popular amongst his asshole.
- Jack Thompson once sued his son's best friend for bringing a video game into his home. The lawsuit was settled out of court ( in his bedroom ).
- Don't read this line. Or else.
- It is unknown whether or not Jack Thompson is suing Steven Spielberg for directing Saving Private Ryan, which inspired the game Medal of Honor, or if it was because Steve gave bad head.
- A little known fact about Jack Thompson is that his left pinky can shoot electricity as well as sharks.
- Jack Thompson once went to an Italian restaurant, found the owner, and tried to rip off the owner's limbs and beat his head off for naming his son Mario. Sadly, he failed, and became a lawyer instead.
- Jack Thompson still to this day believes that the game Pong was the main cause of the Vietnam War.
- Jack Thompson sued the earth because of bringing the Ice Age.
- Jack Thompson claims Michael Jackson forced him to play Pong: San Andreas when he was a child.
- Whenever Jack Thompson yells "Or Else", "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh", or "Hooah", the ground shakes violently. It can be felt up to 200km away, and it causes all kittens in the area to die.
- Whenever Jack Thompson threatens to sue, God kills a kitten. God used to just kill sabertooth tiger kittens but they became extinct for obvious reasons.
- He used to love children but now he doesn't because he got bullied by a 2-year old kid after he lost control of his bladder while having sex.
- Jack Thompson attempted to have Sonic the Hedgehog receive a speeding ticket.
- Jack Thompson once licked a dog shit on a dare, he then proceeded to sue the dare setters because they told him it tasted like semen.
- In 1975, Jack Thompson had a brief affair with Janet Reno, but broke it off after a few months when he finally realized she wasn't a man.
- Every time you masturbate, Jack Thompson watches.
- Jack Thompson is a small angry child, he also has a vagina.
- Jack Thompson was recently featured in Ladies Home Journal with a recipe. His ingredients, among other things, included a Gamer's Soul, an Unspoiled Virgin, and an unborn fetus.
- Jack Thompson once fornicated with Micheal Jackson, Boy George, and a midget at his birthday party.
- Jack Thompson's outstanding DUI is the reason your daddy drinks and beats you at night.
- Jack Thompson is known to play World of Whorecraft, playing as a level 402 Pimp class character named "xDaddyx". When questioned about this, he said "Oh yeah, I play that game. Or else!".
- If Jack Thompson and Derek Smart were to collide, the result would likely be the end of the universe. Or possibly just a lot of Buttsex.
- Jack Thompson once attempted to apply Head On directly to his anus. This was due to the fact he got confused as to which end was which.
- Jack Thompson was a member of the Lemonparty.