Jackass

From Encyclopædia Dæmonica

"Jackass. Without doubt the finest poets in the land!"

~ Oscar Wilde on Jackass

"Stop hiding in the bushes outside my house please!"

~ Bill Gates on Jackass

Contents 1 Jackass Ltd 2 History 3 News 4 Business Objectives 5 Operation Christmas Tree 6 Products and Services 7 Comedy Genius Poetry 8 Jackass Extreme Mountain Biking 9 Jackass Ultimate Dumble Management 10 Jackass Espionage Training Events 11 Jackass Rivals 12 Jackass Events 13 Jackass Rankings

[edit] Jackass Ltd

Jackass Ltd is a small company based near Nottingham. Since its creation in 2001, it has taken a variety of different owners and functions. The current company is the fourth edition, with the current two all time members also being the owners, directors, managers and general assistants. In previous editions of the company there has been many members with the work load more spread out. It remains a low-key company with many objectives and schemes for the future.

[edit] History

The first edition of Jackass was a gang of youths messing around doing stunts like the American TV show, Jackass. However, this Nottinghamshire version of Jackass was and always will be better than the 'real' thing. This collapsed after many members left.

The second edition saw the gang take on a more business like structure. However, after disagreements with the gangs direction, again it sadly collapsed.

The third edition saw Jackass really up on its feet as a business selling non-alcoholic refreshments at a bar. This is when the business peaked at being the most efficient. When members started to get tired of the bar not opening, many lost interest and left to pursue careers in prostitution. Jackass was left desperate with an all time low of share prices. After discussions with Nottingham's heavy weight in business, Dawyd and Dawson's Dangerous Items (DDDI), a deal was made and DDDI bought Jackass. When things was looking good, DDDI did a runner with Jackass' finances, competley destroying the company.

The current fourth edition started with this dissolution of DDDI in 2006. This is where ex-DDDI boss Bohdan Dawyd did a deal with Matthew Nicholas to ensure the rise of a new Jackass. With Dawyd's experience and capital and Nicholas' determination, they had joined forces to create what is now a super power in business world-wide.

[edit] News

October - Uncyclopeida page launched.

November - Plans for a company van begin. This will soon become a reality and enable us to expand into new markets.

December - We now have a driver for the van. All we need now is a van. More news in the New Year!

January - Plans are drawn up for the Jackass World Tour 2007. We will be capitalising from a selection of cities around the world. Tickets go on sale in February.

February - Plans are made for the new financial year. Targets are set to be met by the 5th of April 2007. Gordon Brown will not see a penny of Jackass' hard earned cash. The Jackass ciriminal trials will be covered in this section later next month. One of the bosses birthdays - celebrations will be taking place throughout the later part of February.

March - Jackass is cleared of all charges at Nottingham Crown Court. Jackass has now filed cases of Slander againts the pressure group.

[edit] Business Objectives

1. . To provide a fantasticle services to the people of Nottingham.
2. . To provide four social events per year for all staff to indulge in, a Chistmas one is compulsary. ( See Operation Christmas Tree below ).
3. . To expand by 67.894927643% by 5/4/07
4. . Increase Revenue
5. . Purchase a company vehicle
6. . Increase output of Comedy-Genius Poems
7. . Increase the number of Dumble Management projects

[edit] Operation Christmas Tree

For the Jackass social events, a compulsary outing has to be provided. The compulsary event occurs either on the night before Christmas or the night before the night before Christmas, depending on the situation. See below previous Operation Christmas Tree:

All included a trip to Mapperley and the Plains Fish Bar;

23/12/02, 23/12/03, 23/12/04, 24/12/05, 23/12/06

Details of this years event will be published posthumously for security reasons.

[edit] Products and Services

Below are our current top five selling products:

1. . Kinkki Nipon track-suit bottoms
2. . Cunto Coffee
3. . Whodidhe Nickabollockoff action figure [[1]]
4. . Krap, the new chocolate bar selection ( now avaliable in advent calenders )
5. . Bum, the crisps range released in Spain

We are also piloting the launch of a new service, where the the customers can hire us to prank call victims. We can do a whole range of situations to which we call. The current top 5 situations are:

1. . The wife's left me
2. . Strange language
3. . Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap
4. . Alliteration
5. . GM foods

[edit] Comedy Genius Poetry

For your benefit, we are showing you a selection of our comedy genius poetry that we are currently writing. More to add very soon. Keep checking back as much as possible. Please. We mean it. Enjoy!

Please feel free to broadcast your own comedy genius poetry on this page. Any poetry considered not to be comedy genius will be deleted by Jackass management.

The Answer Phone

Hello, not around at the moment so please leave a massage…

Alright Mike? It’s Andy.

How’s it going pal?

Listen mate I’m just not happy,

The wife’s left me again.

Ok, gives us a ring mate.

Cheers.

Bonjourno. Richie Sambora.

Muchos gracias channel nine.

He is mus macho, he is Cuban-o.

Tantalisingly tall trampy topless teenagers

Tend to titillate tempted taxi-drivers.

Muchos gracias, Bon Jovi.

‘lo Leemcclory,

Lovely ladies love

Licking Leemcclory’s large languishing

Love lip.

Lovely…..

Yo, it’s the green machine

Gonna rock the town

Without being seen

Have you ever seen a turtle get down?

How’s it going our kid?

Sound as a pound!

The name is John Barnes,

I come from Jamaica.

Call us man.

‘Allo! Alarmingly angry and agitated

Alligators are aroused around

Ageing arseholes

Alistair!

Listen to me! I bought some Gammon today

It said Gammon GM free.

I thought f’cough!

A g at the start and two m’s in the middle?

That’s no f’king good to me! ( Slam )

( Thanks to the Alliteration article for some material and inspiration ).

Operation Christmas Tree

T'was the night before,

The night before Christmas.

Hooligans krept from the pubs,

Oh what a noise!

Small chips, small fish,

And a cheese n' onion fry-it please.

For me, small fish,

And small chips. Ta Duck.

Off they went to,

The 45 bus shelter and had their chips.

Plotting schemes and having fun,

Then off to Greggs for a Jam doughnut!

Mapperley is singing out tonight,

Wailing from pub-to-pub,

The sounds of the larger louts.

There is Lee McClory...

"What are you two loitering around here for?"

[edit] Jackass Extreme Mountain Biking

See pictures and article at a later date

[edit] Jackass Ultimate Dumble Management

See pictures and article at a later date

[edit] Jackass Espionage Training Events

On the 11/02/07, at a secret location in Nottingham, the members of Jackass took part in espionage training. The training was for several secret upcoming missions. Further details may not be provided due to the secrecy nature of the missions. However, please take a few minutes to enjoy some pictures of us training. ( Pictures to follow shortly )

[edit] Jackass Rivals

Brazil

Papa Smurf

The Simpsons

[edit] Jackass Events

Jackass also act as agents for some famous people. Currently we have set up a contract with the Chuckle Brothers since they were sacked from the BBC for abusive behaviour. At the minute we are in a DJ'ing contract with the brothers. If anyone wishes to hire them for a rave please get in touch with us. To see a taster of them in action click on the following link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NJhaPRGAMI

As you can see they are quite impresive for their age, the eldest being 65 and the youngest 58.

We are about to set up a contract that will see Prince Charles part of the support act for the Rolling Stones' next tour. For Prince Charles, work has been drying up since spring so he'll be glad of this project. Talking of which, it is Jackass who has been telling the Rolling Stones magasine the release dates of the long long long long long 13 years awaiting of Guns N' Roses next album, Chinese Democracy. Jackass now admits that there is no such thing. However, frontman Axl Rose stole the idea from us and is now planning to release the album this spring.

[edit] Jackass Rankings

Jam Doughnuts:

1. . Three Cooks
2. . Bird's
3. . Dawson's
4. . Goose Fair ( plain, with sugar )

Fish and Chip shops:

1. . The Plains Fish Bar
2. . The Blue Circle
3. . The Lace Market Fish Bar