James Monroe ( born: 1758 - died: 1776, 1801, 1831, 1870, 1902, 1926, 1964, 1980, 1991, 2002 ) was the fifth president of the United States of America and the first person to correctly tell the difference between the words "desert" and "dessert". He had his "s" down pat.
If you asked a 10 year old James Monroe where he would be in 1820, he probably would have said: "Riding my hover car to the local moving picture house to meet up with my hot girlfriend!" Hover car? Girlfriend? Yeah right! Sorry James Monroe, but you became one of the USA's most hideous presidents of the era ( though of course still much better than the recent ones ). And you people didn't even have penicillin in 1820! Hover car my ass…
In her autobiography James Monroe Came Out of My Vagina, Monroe's mother reminisced on Monroe's pre-freakification period: "My little James was the handsomest boy in these United States of America. It was such a burden on poor little James. If he lingered too long by a window, birds would fly straight into it and break their little necks trying to, I don't know, probably peck him."
All this would come to an end however when, on the way to school, James Monroe got his head dunked in a big ol' vat of acid. The events surrounding this event are still in question to this day, although I bet it had something to do with that alky step dad of his. Doctors predicted that he would either die or be doomed to a life as a nasty freak baby in some creepy circus.
Following his accident, Monroe's greatest desire was too overcome his hideous face and become President of these United States, a dream he would often share with all those who would listen. However, due to severe tissue damage, all people heard was: "Gruuuhh uuurhhh guuuurr!"
Rise to power
Despite his horrible deformity, Monroe was a highly charismatic individual. At least the hobos he met while hunting for rats in sewers thought he was okay, but these were hobos and it was probably really dark. Monroe managed to rally the hobos around him with the promise of a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a young boy to sodomize and a cabinet position. Monroe however never kept his promise and in later years the hobos were almost driven to extinction.
In 1817, Monroe and his hobo coalition stormed the White House and demanded that Madison relinquish the presidency. Madison declared: "Suck my man cock freak!" Monroe then strangled the life out of Madison with his bare hands.
He was sworn in later that day. Six thousand people died as a result.
Monroe's presidency was fairly unspectacular. Mere weeks after assuming the presidency, Monroe was locked in the basement of the White House. Occasionally prostitutes would be tricked into entering the catacombs, where they would feed their nation's leader.
- His death has never been confirmed or denied. Just to be safe, the White House still enforces the buddy system.
- He invented the steam engine.
- He didn't invent the steam engine.
- Monroe's uplifting story was the inspiration for the film Castle Freak.