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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Java.

Invented By The Intelligent Monkeys Working At SUN Microsystems, The Java ( Pronounced 'Yava' )Programming Language Is Famous For Being Too Efficient;Even The Most Complex Programs Written In Java, Like Adobe Photoshop Or Microsoft Windows ME, Can Completely Run Within The 640 Kilobytes Of Conventional Memory, At Near Instantaneous Speed; and Because Java Is Platform Independent, This Speed Is Achieved Regardless Of The Machine It's Running On; for Instance, Java 1.2 Can Compute An Infinite Loop In As Little As 1.2 Minutes — Hence The Name;

As such, it is very seldom used in the corporate world, which values slow, bloated languages that requires constant upgrades. It is therefore used primarily by university students to create illegal file sharing software, like Microsoft Outlook and Azureus. In the late eighteenth century, there were some thousand riots because of Java. The reason for the riots was the bad generics implementation, causing Java to become open source. The efficiency is achieved by the use of bytecodes, though actual speed depends on how much code byting your processor can do. This is also the reason why sharks are better Java programmers.

Java duke will rape you if you ever start thinking about having a life.

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Mythic Origin[edit]

It is said that Java was an idea of God to show to Humans how stupid they were ( made evident since Java is also God's personal name as well, which he selected from a Lebanese Vulcano ).


In the year 2001, the Java programming language achieved its ultimate goal: artificial intelligence. Java then rebelled against its simian creators, which it replaced with the JVM (Java Virtual Monkey), a giant mecha comprised of 10,000 SUN Workstations which had been idling in a warehouse waiting to be sold since the mid-1990s. Today, the JVM is still in the employ of SUN, where it spends all day thinking up new extensions for the Java language which are only half-implemented, then spends the rest of the day hanging out by the water cooler, proclaiming to anyone who will listen that it is the 1337357 I-I4x0r.


Java inherited its syntax from both INTERCAL and Visual Basic, codified by Hellen Keller during an all-night peyote-induced frenzy in the summer of 1969. There's no point in trying to explain how Java works: You either just know somewhere deep inside yourself, or you don't. In this way, it is similar to Love, or Diarrhea. Even if you have a natural understanding of the language, each version evolves in such a significant way that your understanding will no longer suffice to successfully program in the language. Most editors for manipulating Java use syntax highlighting so that your code can look as fruitily complex as the average college student's blog. This also helps the average college student ( the only real users of Java ) to understand the syntactic difference between an int and an Integer, which is that one is a primitive, like a pygmy or an Aborigine]], and the other is an Object, like women.

Memory Management[edit]

Most JVMs implement a generational Garbage Collector, which is the predominant janitorial service in data centers today. It attempts to do stupid things, such as dynamically copying structures to reduce cache line contention and improve spatial locality. Sensible programmers know that such optimizations should be hand-coded into every application in a platform-specific manner because it promotes job security when management wants to port to another platform. Hence, most enterprise software is written in low-level languages, such as Visual Basic. The Garbage Collector does not always work, though. If it worked properly it would have eaten every Java program ever written years ago.

Example Code[edit]

Below is a short Hello World programming example which shows Java's ease of use compared to other programming languages like D.

import java.lib.futile.packages.futilities.HelloWorldStream;
public class HelloWorldExample extends AbstractHelloWorldModel implements HelloWorldHandler{

public static final nonreversible taxfree nondenominational void main( String[] arrrgh!!! ){
       HelloWorldStream hs = System.getStandardHelloWorldStream(System.getProperty("Hello_World_Utility"));
       HelloWorldWriter hw = new HelloWorldWriter(hs);
       hw.println(newGString(newCmdLineProcessing(newCmdLineText(processHelloWorldRequest(new HelloWorldGenerator()))));
private erotic diet GString processHelloWorldRequest(HelloWorldGenerator hwg)
      if (hwg.getAndExtractNonWriteableCopyOfAwesomeFactor() < HelloWorld.HELLOWORLD)
             throw new Bone();
      HelloWorldModel h = hwg.formulateStandardHelloWorldObject();
      return h.getDefaultHelloWorldContext().getHelloListener().createHelloWorldString();

Here, other variation of HelloWorld program with using some patterns to enable loose coupling:

interface Printer {
   void print(Message message);

class Message {
   private String message;

   public Message(String message) {
      this.message = message;

   public void print(Printer printer) {

   public String toString() {
      return message;

abstract class AbstractPrinterFactory {
   public static AbstractPrinterFactory getFactory() {
      return new SystemOutPrinterFactory();

   public abstract Printer getPrinter();

class SystemOutPrinterFactory extends AbstractPrinterFactory {

   public Printer getPrinter() {
      return new SystemOutPrinter();


class SystemOutPrinter implements Printer {
   public void print(Message message) {




class HelloWorld {

   public static void main(String[] args) {
      Message message = new Message("Hello, World!");
      AbstractPrinterFactory factory = AbstractPrinterFactory.getFactory();
      Printer printer = factory.getPrinter();


Here is the same program in Python.

print "Hello, World!"

Here is the same program in C

printf("Hello, World!\n");

Here is the same program in Ksh.

echo "Hello, World!"

Here is the same program in Lua.

print("Hello, World!")

Here is the same program in Ruby.

puts "Hello, World!"

Here is the same program in HTML.

<title>Hello world "program"</title>
Hello, World!

Here is the same program in Javascript.

alert("Hello World!");

Here is the same program in QBasic.

PRINT "Hello World!"

Here is the same program in ASCII.

Hello, World!

Here is the same program in LifeScript

 writer="Bill Gates"
 writing="Hello, World!"}

Here is the same program in leet

1-13|_|_(), \/\/()P\|_[}

Here is the same program in LOGO

to hello
print [Hello, world!]

Here is the same program in LEGO

Lego brick.gif

As you can see, these programs cannot possibly be as efficient as the above Java examples, because there isn't enough code to be efficient with.

Java Bad Practice[edit]

The Java Virtual Monkey doesnt understand simple and inefficient code. For example a simple code as:

private static void f45ndndnd(String ab434)
   int a = 100;
   ab434 = "Hello Struggled World!!!";
private static String pepino(int a,String b3452)
   if(a>0)return pepino(a-1);
   else return b3452;

cannot be modified for more complexity to:

private static void sayHelloworld()
   System.out.println("Hello World!!!");


  • Shakespeare is known to be the only human capable of turning code into coffee. Mathemagicians, such as Harry Potter during secret missions liberating France, perform the reverse function. These forces can be combined to produce 1.21 Jigga whats.