Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

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It's the smart way to get out.

~ Oscar Wilde on Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

The Jehovah's Witnesses[edit]

First off, let me tell you that the Jehovah's Witnesses are, in fact, people. Even though they seem to have nothing to do but walk around your neighborhood and knock on your door and ask you "How's your day?" and "Hey, nice to see ya!" Well, they are, in fact, the most vicious and heartless of anything ever conceived. They wait until you are sound in your bed, minding your own business, and suddenly you're jumped by an entire brigade of them. They strike in pairs and use Tae Kwon Do.

How to tell they are targeting you[edit]

1st sign[edit]

Ok, so you are about to go get the morning paper, and you step outside. Next thing you know, you have a little woman and a man wearing church clothes. Next thing you know, you are asked the question. This is where it all begins. It's a Jehovah's Witness war cry. They walk up and ask you the following; "Are you ready for Lord Jehovah's return?". Then if you say no, you're good..... but if you're reading this, then you probably said yes. You poor bastard. You sit in your house with four tons of Jehovah papers wondering, "What the heck just happened?". That is the first sign you need help.

2nd sign[edit]

So, you probably didn't know what the first sign was, huh? Well, it just goes to show you, you should believe the guys at the water cooler that Jehovah's Witnesses DON'T MESS AROUND! The second sign is you start getting phone calls and no one picks up on the other line. All you hear is, "PSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *click*". Later, you will also find that there are many different vans outside your home. That is the natural habitat for the witness. They are probably not doing it actually. It may be an obsessed ex-girlfriend ( if you ever had one ), an old macintosh, or even an angry grue, but most of the time they are calling you. So be careful and read on.

3rd sign[edit]

Well, at this point, you've probably awakened in some old abandoned warehouse, bound and gagged to a chair. That's when you need help. The following is what most likely what will happen to you:

  1. You will get a tattoo of Jehovah on your forehead.
  2. You will get shaved with a dull piece of paper stating how "awesome" it is getting up at 4:00 to get people to go through the hell you just experienced.
  3. They will sodomize you and then brainwash you.
  4. Chuck Norris will kick you in the junk.

If you somehow escaped, wow, you are unfortunate. Read on for help.

Jehovah witness protection program[edit]

In a phone book, there should be a number that says "Cher and Sonny's Dry Cleaning." It's a cover. Call that number and you will be asked a few questions about your experence. You will then be walked through how to enroll in our flawless program.

Once enrolled[edit]

You will be put through different therapies. They will help you understand that you are a moron for not understanding what you went through just then. You will be lectured on how to avoid future problems with this. Your mind will be washed and you will be sent home with a picture of a Jehovah's Witness and a sign saying "Say no to me!", then if you have any further problems, you will probably experience this all over again, but your identity will be changed ( It won't help, though ).

History of the program[edit]

It was established in 1847, March 3rd. Samuel L. Jackson was in fact a Jehovah's Witness. Then one day, he spilled some soup on his "join us" papers. He then got a beating and was forced to huff a baker's dozen of kittens. After the high wore off, he then went to a guru of sorts and was then commitioned as the lead dancer in the Sound of Music: Super Nazi ( Remix ). He later started a foundation, known as Jehovah's "Witnesses." Afterwards, he was eaten by a grue. Since then, his legacy has lived on.