Jerusalem

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jerusalem.

Yoink!

~ Jews on Their rightful holy land


Jerusalem was one of the most neglected places on the planet until recently. In recent weeks it has come to the attention of the UN that there exists vast reserves of oil under the Temple Mount. The discovery was made by a team of archaelogists from Halliburton.

Historical events[edit]

Jerusalem has attracted very little attention over the centuries even though it is the future site of the apocalypse. One advantage of being such an unpopular place is that this is one of the very few places on the planet that has not known any wars at all in its long history.

The area of the city is very flat, and with the right microscope one can easily see cities like Tel-Aviv and Tokyo with ones bare eyes from the lower places of it.

Major Industries[edit]

Major industries concentrated within Jerusalem are:

  • Helicopter Gunship Tourism
  • Forging of Jewish Scythes for Kosher Harvests
  • Sorting stones into piles
  • Teaching birds to fly in specified migration patterns to avoid airplanes
  • Doomsday cults and role-playing games
  • The world's largest center for recycling spent shell casings

The heavily-guarded border between Jerusalem and Australia is the site of the massive Israel Vacuum Pump, which sucks in unwanted heat from the center of Australia to keep the Middle East hot and humid. Terrorists have tried over several decades to destroy this facility and plunge the Mid-East into a new Ice-Age.

Additionally, Jerusalemites unite behind their Major League Bloodbath team, the Judaics. The first team to come to Jerusalem since the Templar Crusaders of the Medieval League, the Judaics have the unanimous support of the rabid Israeli fan base. A quintissential "small-market" team ( with only a population of 6 million ), the Judaics are nonetheless one of the powrhouses of our time. Founded by the legendary Teddy Herzl, the Judaics' predecessors, the Tel Aviv Zionists, won a miraculous victory in the 1948 world series against the Egypt Caliphs. Moving to Jerusalem, they followed it with equally shocking triumphs over their archrival Caliphs, the Damscus Kabooms, and the Amman Random Arabs in the 1967 and 1973 championships, the only series' where more than two teams participated. They won behind the stellar play of Moshe Dayan ( '67 ) and Ariel Sharon, ( '73 ). In fact, after the '73 drubbing, the Caliphs, Kabooms,and Random Arabs all folded, and they now serve as part of Jerusalem's farm system. Now a manager, Sharon seems to be preparing his team for a major showdown with their new archrivals, the Tehran Fatwas, in the near future.

Landmarks[edit]

  • Skull Mountain - Amusement park where various tourists were executed and scalped by barbarians in the olden days
  • The Pouting Wall, where people pout and get into squabbles over ridiculous things, such as the services in the Sexeria.
  • The Church of the Holy Crapper - home to the first toilet ever made, where people spit into it for good luck. It is a fine place for avoda zara (foreign worship/ idolatry) if ever there was one.
  • The Dome of the - Next to the Pouting Wall, the Dome of the is Jerusalem's marijuana den. There, people get stoned on marijuana in the hopes of finding Allah, Jesus, Ronald McDonald, Asherah, or maybe even Mary-Kate Olsen.
  • The Dome of the Dome - A dome built for the purpose of building a dome, which was built for building a dome, and so on and so forth. The Russians thought this one up when playing with their dolls.
  • The Osographic Quarter, the Baalist Quarter, the Confusionist Quarter, and the Scientologist Quarter - the four quarters of the Old Wellhead.
  • The Old Wellhead - the place which used to have oil but stopped having it when the Arabs made a fuss about their being missing. When they found it, they built the Dome of the and got stoned.
  • Schwanentempel - the Temple of Swan Shit. Here, swan shit, and bird droppings, were worshipped. Unfortunately, the Romans came around and filled it with COW shit on the Ninth of Av, and the whole thing plotzed. Oy Vey!

Current Affairs[edit]

Jerusalems newly built Sexeteria
  • Recently Jerusalem built the first Sexeteria in hopes to draw more terrorism and to shake its bland image. Its construction has stirred up quite a bit of controversy amidst the locals, but the local government could care less.
  • Major oil discovery under the Temple Mount
  • Israel's gay population thought to organize the International Gay Pride Parade in Jerusalem in 2005, and for the first time in history the three major monotheistic religions came together to concur: 'what a freakin' rad idea!' The chief priests, rabbis and mullahs of Israel all held a press conference to express their explicit support and to vocalize their common prayers for greater tolerance in the world. So moved were the gay pride organizers that they cried, held a bunch of group hugs, smoked a fatty and forgot the event altogether.