Jesus Christ - Alcoholic
“Jesus was a happening dude. I always felt comfortable drinking around him.”
~ Lord Byron on drinking with Jesus
Jesus Christ, "Son of God", "King of the Jews", ( and many other nonsense titles ) is one of the most overrated, over-stated, over-obsessed-over icons in the history of man. He's been elevated to the level of "God", revered as the ultimate "man" ( see: Christianity ), and considered to be part of a "Holy Trinity" of supernatural beings.
But what few people do realize is that Jesus really was a simple man, just like many of us.
A dirty secret has been kept from many of us for years. Some say it was a cover-up by the Vatican ( one with a lot more reality to it than a Dan Brown novel ), and others simply feel that it is a topic of nonsense or myth.
Myths, legends, cover-ups, etc, aside - as it stands, the most current research shows that Jesus Christ, "Son of God", "King of the Jews", ( and many other nonsense titles) was an alcoholic. Many scholars previously believed him to imbibe small amounts of alcohol. After all, the "blood of Christ" is usually associated with wine (vino, as the Romans - whom, incidentally, nailed him to a cross - might have said ), and not grape juice.
In 1998, researchers from the Vatican, working in conjunction with DNA experts, examined The Shroud of Turin ( believed by many to be the burial cloth of Jesus Christ ). They "borrowed" small samples of the blood from the cloth, and tested for various chemical compounds. One thing soon became certain: Jesus Christ, "Son of God," "King of the Jews," ( and many other nonsense titles ), if he were a real, historical figure, ( and this was his burial cloth ) was an alcoholic.
Jesus discovered a love for alcohol at a young age. Coming from a single-parent family, Jesus was alone a lot. This led to many mischievous encounters will local bullies, and eventually a few years of self-discovery. During these formidable childhood and teen years, Jesus experimented with many illegal, mind-altering drugs, and eventually found a great fondness of alcohol.
What is likely Jesus's most famous of miracles, the turning of water into wine, was a simple party trick that Jesus loved to impress people with. He discovered this natural talent around age seventeen, and was instantly the most popular kid in General Rexus Luscious Imperial Senior High School.
It is also widely known that one time, Jesus turned a few loaves and fish into many loaves and fish, to feed the many starving people attending his sermon. Historical evidence now tells us that this only happened because he was too drunk to perform the miracle he was actually attempting, the turning of water into wine.
Jesus's last days
Not much is known of Jesus's last days, other than the fact that he was surrounded by friends, and was eventually captured during his one last act of debauchery, a party so-wild that girls today couldn't even compare. This party is usually referred to by historians as "The Last Kegger".
- The Holy Bible ( New Testament only ) - written between 33 CE and 550 CE, it chronicles the life and times of Jesus, and his debaucherous, alcohol-induced antics
- The Passion of the Christ - a 2004 film by Mel Gibson, which chronicles the last hours of the life of Christ, a time when he repented for his ways, and simply yearned for nothing more than a new liver
- Children and adults alike can hear and learn about Jesus at "Church" every Sunday ( Saturday for his father's witnesses )