Jesus H. Christ

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to navigation Jump to search
      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for chicken?

No Wikipedia.png
Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about Jesus H. Christ. Perhaps the dæmon article would be of interest to you instead.

Jesus Christ was a real cool guy.

Biography as 56th President[edit]

Jesus Heraldo Christ, better known as the 56th President of the United States or captain cheese man hawkins, was born in the middle of the Middle East somewhere, and was raised on the side of the desert. He is rumoured to be the son of Chuck Norris and the Fonz. Jesus H. spent a great deal of time on the streets, helping his homies in the hizzle find inner peace. Jesus H. returned to the desert for a short period of time, only to be murdered in public by his peeps and fellow Jews, homes.

After that, Jesus spent a number of years adventuring, and amassed a great deal of wealth and a complete set of Tier 3 gear, which gave him the stat boosts he needed to finally run for the presidency.

Also known as "Hank", his campaign really got under way when he sent one of his minions to print up campaign buttons. Unfortunately, his minionth had lithp so "Hank the Lord" became "Thank the Lord". This turned out to be much more catchy.

Jesus often revealed himself, much to the disgust of passers-by

How He Became President[edit]

Since he had god mode on during the Presidential election, he controlled every living thing on earth to vote him. Even Chuck Norris.

Only one man was strong enough to withstand his awesome powers: Michael Jackson. But MJ was too busy having sleepovers with little kids, so nobody wanted his vote anyways. Then Jesus pwned Michael Jackson in Counter-Strike just to show him what a loser he was.

As his first act as President, he added an amendment requiring all children to confess that Jesus is their soul-buddy and stopped that whole Communion thing, because it was kinda awkward for everyone to be eating his flesh and blood.

The battle[edit]

MJ and Jesus were on the Twin Towers fighting with their magic. Jesus sent lightning this way and that, but MJ dodged nicely since he has a black belt 3rd-degree in Tae Kwon Do. Then came the counter-attack. MJ started doing these wicked jutsus. He starting spewing children out of his anoos, which made Jesus angry. But Jesus found a weakness: he made a realistic model of an emo boy wanting head from damn near anything. MJ just couldn't resist. Jesus's artistic skills were off the wall ordinary. Then Jesus said "In Russia, boy chases MJ!!". MJ was like "WTF?". Then Jesus blasted these huge armies of boys that MJ couldn't resist, again. Then MJ tried to shoot the boys off but it missed and hit the one of the Twin Towers. MJ fell and coincidentally got crashed by the hijacked airplanes and got his freaking body ripped up and then the whole building crushed him dead. Jesus won the election thanks to the electoral college (not the popular vote) and flew to his Secret Lair in Underground China to make weapons of mass destruction, also placing Jesus in the forefront of history as the world's first terrorist. Everyone was happy. Lord Travis comments on this event, "Where's the beef?"


Jesus H. Christ was sworn in as the 56th President of the United States in the year A Gazillion, after President your mom. He was a simple man and enjoyed building log cabins and walked on stars during his campaign. He also could never tell the truth no matter how serious he was.

Quoth Jesus H. Christ
May 22, 14AJ
"I cannot tell the truth."

Many people killed themselves contemplating the meaning of these words. After this, he was proclaimed master of the universe, not to be confused with He-Man, Master of the Universe!!!

His many accomplishments are as follows:
  • Established worship of Douglas Adams
  • Provided the blueprints for the War on Terror
  • Improved the quality of drugs
  • Smoked large amounts of cannabis
  • Advocated mob-like mentality
  • Required knife-fights in all 56 states
  • Made himself God among men
  • Manifested himself as an oddly shaped potato chip in a diner in Texas
  • Liked to play air guitar in his free time, especially to then unknown Cream songs, with his time traveling buddies Bill & Ted
  • Barfed on Jimi Hendrix causing him to choke to death because Jimi criticized his air guitar playing
  • Ate 42.3 ducks on his birthday
  • Gave Oprah her almighty power over the women of the United States Of America
  • Killed the lead singer of Nirvana
  • "Made it" with Jessica Simpson
  • Gave Nick Lachey an immense amount of crabs which caused his genitals to fall off
  • Made the Ewoks gods of the universe
  • Turned God into a tiny green man shape known as Yoda. Shortly after, he took God, placed him inside a small box, and harnessed his immense energy to power a small clock radio. (Music of Alicia Keys let there be)

On His Ability to Walk on Water[edit]

Jesus' ability to walk on water can solely be attributed to the divine teachings of Sonic The Hedgehog. Eyewitness accounts place Jesus at the mercy of Sonic, when all of a sudden he pointed to a cloud and claimed to Sonic that it had taken the shape of Mr. Robotnik's penis. Sonic, dazed and stunned by the fury of the vision, was otherwise unable to react when Jesus stole his POW! meter and was beamed up by non other than Scotty. Hey by the way, Jesus can also run!

Proof of Sonic Walking on Water


Jesus finally met his end when a Jewish player named Moses, jealous of Jesus' success, decided to do something about it. Along with his entire guild (R0m3's Wh0r3z) they were able to gank Jesus just outside of a neutral faction city, and exploiting a glitch, get the entire guard contingent to agro him and his ten-man raid group. Historians claim that this was due to a mod his group was using that let them squeeze two extra people into the raid - Judas, of who logged out to avoid death, and Jesus, who took his ganking with good grace and fell in noble combat. Not satisfied with just killing him, however, R0m3's Wh0r3z camped his corpse for six straight hours, taking Metal Gear-Like liberties with it, before hanging it up outside of the Ironforge Inn (just over the mailbox) using a hack, where it hung until the next server reset.


MJ saw all this smoke... "Where am I?"... he looked around and heard faint noises while he saw double of everything... "Am I high again?" Then suddenly a fireman came and said "Are you MJ?" "Yeah dude, why'd you as-" The fireman blew his face up with the hose... 30 hours later while in a coffin underground, he did his 2 inch punch and went the the top of the cemetery. Then this guy said "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" "Hey where is thi-" Shotgun'd in the face 4 times, he died. Sent to a high security camp in Under Ground China guarded by Jesus and his Yakuza group,he was still dead. But his mid was far off... as then he opened his eyes... He snuck up on Jesus and Jesus died. Sadly enough it was like Easter or something. So he resurrected and fucking pwned MJ with Chuck Norris on his side. It was awesome.

Past Lives[edit]

Jesus is thought to have had many incarnations, gracing the earth with his presence many times over. Jesus' presence is thought to be in all the Final Fantasy games, and the many people who buy every game in this series are merely followers of the light. His image was also seen in a slice of toast at one time in the past. For the short 1 year period as SpongeBob SquarePants, he was rejected by his people. Some sensed that he was 'gay' and that he was to be shunned from this land. However, many children saw the light and praised him as their lord and saviour. He is also known by many as Darth Vader. This life, sadly, was cut short by a man named Luke while they were fighting over what exactly he WOULD do for a Klondike Bar. Jesus was also reincarnated as Hitler, and he wanted revenge, against the Jews. What did you think the,"H," stood for?

Alternate Names[edit]

  • Mike Tyson
  • James lincoln
  • haysoos
  • Tupac
  • Jimmy Hoffa
  • Fidel Hussein
  • Saddam Castro
  • Judas
  • Peter Crouch
  • Nathan Thompson
  • Jalyn Barker
  • Barnaby Jones
  • nubb phr4gger
  • teh J33Z
  • Chad Wheatley
  • Suzumiya Haruhi
  • Patrick Faulkner
  • bear rarrarr
  • God


  • Saddam Hernandez
  • Santa Claus
  • Asshole Cream Pie
  • Harry Bawl Sak
  • DJ Limbo
  • MC Crazy Corn
  • Dillon Haley
  • Slug
  • Adolf Hitler
  • Funk Masta J.C.
  • The Saviour
  • The Winner
  • Ruler of Middle Earth
  • Binky the Clown
  • President Sukarno
  • Nixon
  • J'dawg
  • Enron
  • The Hero
  • Final Fantasy
  • Your Mom
  • Bono
  • The Leader
  • Hesus El Saviour Christ
  • Hey, Seuss!
  • that dude over there who has been staring at me for like 5 minutes
  • Young Jeezy
  • Dubya
  • Uhh... Who?
  • The mathematica entirety of the Fraternal Brotherhood of Police
  • Life saver
  • Ear saver
  • Kaiser Wilhelm
  • Ultimate Warrior
  • Some White Rapper (Vanilla J?)
  • Big Brother
  • Silvio Berlusconi (his very own opinion)
  • The Cat In The Hat
  • That king of Thailand with an ugly disonant name
  • Steve Jobs
  • JH Roweling
  • Drunk Vader
  • Kevin Federline
  • Dead Man
  • Screensaver of your mom
  • Trent Reznor
  • Irish Muffin
  • Oscar Wilde
  • Kefka
  • Luca Blight
  • Rydia
  • Saint Ajora
  • Pine Sol Lady
  • Professor Plum
  • The El'Popemaster
  • Hesus J. Christ
  • Jimmy Page
  • Jebuz
  • Rangel
  • Cheezus
  • Randy Moore
  • The Canadian Tire Guy
  • Jesus H(ater of other religions) Christ
  • Johnny Cash
  • Ted Nugent
  • Harry Potter
  • Kharim Ali-Ban Gaba
  • Cruncher
  • Porn Master
  • The Schizophrenic Jew
  • The Schizznits
  • Joe Pesci
  • Robert De Niro
  • The Cat's Pajama's
  • The Bee's Knees
  • The Wasp's Nipples
  • The Hornet's Wang