Joan of Arc

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joan of Arc.

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Joan of Arc was born in France, land of bitches. One day, during monthly menstration, she came up with some wild tale about fairies telling her that God was real. The French, who were a big fan of God, decided Joan needed to join the army. They imagined so she could please the men during half-time of the jousting tournament but Joan said she would stay a virgin until the English were defeated. At the Siege of Orleans Joan's troops beat an English army but then she now told them they had to go on and win the Hundred Years' War to have any chance with her. Meantime Joan acquired some impressive muscles and cut her hair into the style of the helmet fringe look. Now it was not only the men who took an interest in Joan.

Victory against the cursing and swearing English seem guaranteed within months but there was a spirit of treachery in the land. The Vichy Burgundians captured Joan and set a price for her on e-bay. The French failed to reach the asking price and were trumped by the English. They locked Joan high in a tower and consistently beat and threatened her with rape. Joan has recordedly jumped out of a 70 foot tower to escape this wrath. Crazy bitch. Her English jailers also gave Joan a lady razor and soap but Joan refused to be bullied by stereotypes.

Unable to get a confession for witchcraft, Joan was sent for trial for androgny. Once again, the English found there were plenty of French bishops who had long disapproved of 'the mad virgin' and her tomboy looks. Joan insisted that her voices were real but admitted that 'wearing manly attire' was a burning issue. She was reprieved and sentenced to 10 years serving behind the counter in an upmarket boutique. When the next day Joan tried to put on a dress, she discovered the English had stolen her wardrobe. All she could find to put on was her old boiler suit. Joan had in effect 'de-confessed'. Death by burning.

The Maid of Orleans was executed in the market place of Rouen in 1431. In the expensive seats sat the English military governors and representatives of the Catholic Church. Joan wasn't allowed to make a speech but surrounded by burning faggots it made a vivid spectacle for those entertainment-starved times. They burned her into a meduim rare steak and the Pope ate her for dinner. If she'd kept her stupid ass mouth shut about her illusions like 'God' and 'Jesus' and 'women's rights', everyone would have been happy. But noooo, the dumb bitch had to screw it all up.