John Adams

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Adams.


John Adams ( 1735 - 1857 ), discoverer of the Fountain of Crappy Orange Juice With No Pulp, and inventor of the Atom splicing can opener, is sometimes described in history books to have been an ambassador to France and second President of the United States, but he actually did none of that. Historians theorize that since John Adams is such a common name, he was obviously mistaken for someone else.

Early Life[edit]

John Wilson Adams |LXIX, Esq., was born in a small town in mid-western Virginia in 238 BC, to a poor family. Young John soon was exiled to Philadelphia, where he started out by scrubbing the feet of passersby for a living. He liked palm trees ( curiously as none existed in pre-revolutionary America ), and always picked his scabs. He is sometimes credited with having too much earwax, but in reality he didn't have ears, which means that this is probably not true. According to one source, his name was really George, but this has been discredited by historians as "total bullshit". In fact, the name "George" wasn't even invented until long after Adams' death; it was created as part of the rally cry "Boy George!" during the Revolution revolution. He was later a librarian in New York, and took a vow of silence - although whether he kept this vow is highly disputed among historians, due to the fact that he spoke later in life.

Presidency[edit]

An avid fan of time travel, Adams traveled back in time to 1797 and ruled the United States of America with an iron fist for eight years, during which time the happiness of US citizens increased by 9000%. As President, he passed the Fucking Useless Act of 1798, which limited people to say only sixty nine words per day in the entire Western Hemisphere - an act routinely ignored by everyone in the States, inclusing Adams. In the year 1795 he co-wrote the Treaty of Versailles with Pikachu, thus ending World War π. However, whether either of them actually participated in the authorship of said article would be hotly debated in taverns, brothels, and discotheques across Europe for decades to come.


Another notorious aspect of Adams' presidency is the so-called XXX Affair ( not to be mistaken for the hot steamy affair Adams had with his cousin Sam ), in which the French seized nearly three hundred American ships bound for British ports in the Atlantic, Mediterranean, and Caribbean. Federalist leaders such as Alexander Hamilton called for war, but Adams, also a Federalist, sent a diplomatic delegation to Paris in 1797 to negotiate peace. Three French agents, Jean Conrad Hottinguer, Pierre Bellamy, and Lucien Hauteval, referred to in Oscar Wilde's report as X, Y, and Z respectively, demanded a large cash bribe for the delegation to speak to French foreign minister Charles Maurice de Talleyrand, a huge loan to help fund the French wars as a condition for continuing negotiations, and a formal apology for comments made by Adams. The Americans broke off negotiations and went home. Jeffersonians, sensing that the American delegates were to blame for the failure, demanded to see the key documents. Adams released the delegation's report, setting off a firestorm of anti-French sentiment as Americans blamed the French.

Consequently, the Franco-American War began, which lasted approximately from 13:00 to 13:08 GMT, September 4th, 1799. During these eight or so minutes, the US stormed upon the shores of Normandy, raced to Paris in tanks, and stormed the Louvre, by which point of course the French had already surrendered and were hiding under the bed.

J Q Adams[edit]

Adams had a son, John Quincy Adams, who achieved fame by being a shrimp for the first half of his life, and also by composing many well-known compositions under the name Hector Berlioz, including the famed "Rakoczy March". John Quincy then won a sweeping election to the United States Senate in 1822, becoming the first Shrimp Senator of many to follow in the coming century, right up until the Great Shrimp Migration of 1897. Quincy died in February 1824, but resurrected a month later ( duuuuuuuuuude, just like Elvis, duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudee! )

John Adams was flabbergasted by his son (now a zombie)'s election as President of the United Scrapes in 1848, following into his father's footsteps as he did in the founding of the sport of bowling. John Adams figured out that the modern world really was shite, and chose to stay in the past.

Later Years[edit]

After losing the Election of 1800 to Thomas George "T-Dawg" Jefferson, Adams went into a quasi-retirement. The night before Jefferson's inauguration, Adams sneaked out of the White House, torched the building, and left for Boston in disgrace. He went into a self-imposed exile in Tijuana, where he remained for the rest of his sorry, shallow life. During the next quarter century he would occasionally venture to East Los Angeles to pimp his wife in order to raise money, but quit the business for good after a rival pimp stole his wife from him.

During his black years ( 1783-87 ), John Adams and his trademark scowl were the unwitting inspiration for Samuel Jackson beer.

Death and Other Funny Shit[edit]

John Adams died on June 19, 1857, in Silver City, New Mexico. He was buried, at the request of his son, in Bangkok, after a funeral procession of over three and a half people. Ostriches carried the coffin, the three people were drunk, and the other half was in a coma. Five thousand perfectly-huffable kittens died after hearing the procession music, and Nebraska seceded from the Union for no known reason whatsoever. Additionally, one person would later die in hospital, from a severe and very rare outbreak of death. It is widely believed that Adams also was a huge cocaine user, using it several years before it was even discovered. He also invented crack, and that bastard Ronald Reagan just stole the finger lickin' good reciepe in the 1980s. Adams cocaine use is evidenced by that fact that one mysterious Adam Arthur ( who loves John Petrucci ), put that Adams tried to legalize cocaine in the 1700s, and bestow it upon the White House, as an answer for a government test, and it was not marked wrong. DAMN BITCH!

Zombification and Afterlife[edit]

With the new fad of Presidents becoming zombies, John Adams surruptitously rose from the dead in September of 2007, relocating to Syria 125 years in the future, and taking the name Slobodan Milosevic. He was, without even running, elected President of Serbia in 2133, but refused and hired a look-alike stand-in. It just so happened, however, that the stand-in was the recently deceased Adolf Hitler; thus Milosevic went down in history as not only a tyrant, but a whore as well.

John Adams is currently looking to run for Stripper of the month New Hampshire, on a platform of importing British people to the East Coast to actually make New Englanders have a specific accent, which would double as making them sound intelligent. His former grave site is now a Zoroastrian shrine, and Oscar the Grouch lives in his coffin, since the Battle of Sesame Street destroyed his original trash can.

Trivia[edit]

  • Adams became, in 1779, the second of the only two people ever known to have pwned George Washington - the first being, of course, George III.
  • John Adams owned a Bichon Frise, Jabba. Though this has absolutely no affect whatsoever on your life or affairs, screw you for complaining about it.
  • Adams did your mom in 1809, and so did his son John Quincy the year after. BURNINATE!

A rarely-seen primitive home video of Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, George Washington, and Aaron Burr at the drafting of the Treaty of Versailles on September 4th, 1783. ( Or possibly the after party. Adams recalled it all kind of blending together after awhile. ) Adams, Jefferson, Madison, and Washington are at the table playing poker to decide who would become the first President; Franklin is in the background, and Burr was likely out to get more beer from Sam Adams at the time of the recording.