John Kerry

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Kerry.


John Kerry ( right ) and his gay lover Deval Patrick; "I love you I do, and you know that my choco pop" ( left )

John "Friggin" Kerry ( JFK ), Democratic Beta Release Candidate Build Two, is a robot created by Joseph McCarthy and Karl Rove for the post-Manhattan project in the late 1940s. Together with other robots created during the same period, such as Ann Coulter, they are programmed to say crazy and stupid things to make the Democrats lose in critical elections. His campaign, while on the ballot in most states, never captured the imagination of America's voting machines. As a result, he was swiftly defeated by President George Bush's son, Emperor Palpatine. John Kerry is thought of as Theresa-Heinz's poolboy by many Americans. He is perhaps most famous for spending Christmas in Cambodia ( where the slums' got so much soul ), a memory that was "seared, seared" into his highly-trained mind ( said mind later revealed to have barely managed a D- average at Yale ). Surprisingly, "Christmas in Cambodia ( where the people dress in black )" turned out to be a low-budget child pornography film starring Senator Kerry and the cast of Different Strokes.

A Stupid Face[edit]

John Kerry really needs a dentist and contacts.

Some would claim this of Kerry's face. However, it is unlikely that the stupidness of his face is greater than that of an average face. In fact, most faces probably have equal stupidness, as stated by the Face Equal IQ Theorum. Recent research suggests that, while Kerry's face is indeed stupid compared to most mice and cockroachs, since he is actually two-faced - and perhaps three-faced - when his multiple faces are added together, he becomes only mildly retarded but is still revered as the Nation's foremost drug-addicted faggot. Sources are still unclear as to which of his 2 to 3 faces thought it a good idea to utter the now infamous: "I voted for myself before I voted against it." His chin on his first face was 30% more chisled before he tossed his jaw over the whitehouse fence to protest ketchup regulation legislation. It is thought that Tipper Gore devoured it with French's mustard.

John Kerry's coming to a town, somewhere in the Red States, and he looks very happy

However, have compassion for this poor soul. It is not his fault his real face got tore up in a woodchipper. Not to mention the fact his brain is run by two chipmunks who got themselves stuck in his head after using it as a storage place for acorns. One of them is a liberal and the other doesn't know what he is. Together the two make a great team being unspecific on every issue from gay marriage to which is better Kentuckistan Fried Chicken or Popeyes?

Family History[edit]

In 2005, it was discovered that John Kerry, in fact, is related to the primeape family, much like his Buttsex Buddy, Alberto Gorilla.

An American Hero Retard Traitor[edit]

John Kerry in his patriotic formal wear.


John Kerry was noted for his heroic and patriotic performance after the Franco-Prussian War. During the long and bloody conflict he was noted for his impeccable bravery and in fact it is accepted that his many succesful military actions he single-handedly won the war and 318 purple hearts. However, Heart number 271 is widely suspected to be a result of improperly opening a beer can and not enemy action. Many generals in the U.S Army have expressed the opinion that if it were not for the presence of John Kerry on the battle-field then America, the world's strongest military power, would have suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of an impoverished third-world nation. Sadly, he sustained many injuries, including the loss of his left buttock which is why to this day his friends still refer to him as half-assed. He also lost approximately 85% of his brain. These were replaced with Borg implants, which is why, to this day, he has a personality as dull as a butter knife and a voice like a Texas Instruments Speak N' Spell. He did vote for the war before he voted against it. Then he peed alittle on the congress floor. Wants to take away all your guns because they may be used to kill liberals who burn down the White House while smoking pot and using beer bongs to play chess. Worst football player ever on account of his face being so ugly that other players heads esplode. Banned from all NRA meetings. Doesn't know why he lost the last pres election. Blames Hillary Clinton's big head. Is widely believed to be emo and even has the mascara to prove it. Likes to crap on the floor while watching CNN and eat caviar with a appletini. Slaps any fat woman over 55 on the butt. Likes to edit George Bush's page here ( also known as "#%^$ you" ) .

Later on, leaked from the CIA were secret documents leading to the conclusion that John Kerry is a 'battle borg' dated back to the Cold War era, from a project codenamed 'Tickle-Me-Elmo-Zumwalt'. The bad news is that his programming was set to 'Ted Kennedy', leading to catastophic results for the Democratic party when Senator Kennedy drove his car into a river while the programming was sitting on the passenger seat. The programming drowned, but Kennedy was never charged with its death.

These people clearly need his help. Unfortunately, he's stuck in Vietnam. He joined the military too.

The good news is that his story parallels that of famous robot Johnny 5, except with Tereza Hillary Kerry instead of whats-her-name.'

However, in the 2004 election, a group known as Swift Boat Veterans For Smoking Bitches brought charges toward Kerry in regards to his war service, or lack therof. When these charges were relayed to him, Kerry's response was a forceful "la-la-la-la! I'm not listening! La-la-la-la-do-dee-do-do-do! Screw you!"

At the climax of the election, Kerry fought George W. Bush on the deck of the USS Texan. Kerry ended up in a headlock and surrendered the election to a flight suit clad Bush. Kerry later remarked "I should not have messed with foul Texas!" Kerry also immediately called up his high school best friend Saddam Hussein and recommended surrender and withdrawl from Cuba.

Election 2004[edit]

John Kerry enjoying the great outdoors.

John Kerry was noted for running a lively campaign. His energetic ( though somewhat droopy and deformed ) facial expressions energized American Democrats that voted for Bill Clinton to vote for Bush. That, and the fact that his wife Tereza "Hillary Eva" Heinz Ketchup Kerry would call him "stupid" during private campaign dinners ( Reality Alert ).

John Kerry is surprised to learn of his electoral defeat
One of the various posters from John Kerry's 2004 presidential ad campaign

John Kerry was a favorite among mothers of young children for his uncanny ability to put children to sleep, as well as the elderly, men, women, his running mate, himself, any living or nonliving creature within a 250 mile radius, etc. John Kerry's discovering of this ability allowed him to lose his virginity at the rather young age of 7 to the family [[[dog]]. After a 5 year relationship with the pet, John Kerry decided to move on to sheep and small horses. His move towards women, particularly insanely wealthy women, has been a recent phenomenon for political support from the non-bestiality segment of the American population. This has been copied by his gay lover Hugo Chavez ( trying to cover up his homosexuality ).

During his campaign, Kerry took solid positions on many of the important issues facing America. As a matter of fact, he enjoyed taking solid positions so much that he would often take several solid positions on one issue.

While known as a snappy dresser, he would often wear beach sandals on the campaign trail, which inevitably led to his nickname, "Flip Flopper".

John Kerry and his family on vacation, circa 2004.

In addition, he stubbornly insisted that the best way to win over voters was to not have any specific ideas on anything, thereby resulting in the impossible feat of making Al Gore look almost intelligent. This conformed to his party's stratagy of grasping defeat out of the jaws of victory in order to appear more mainstream. The far left has launched a campaign of LesbiansForHillary to fight against this stratedgy with socialist montages. To counteract this, he unleashed a pack of ravenous mutant Borg to steal the election in Ohio. However, he will forever be remembered for desperately rushing to claim defeat as soon as it became apparent that his opponents had also rushed to steal Ohio by unleashing a pack of winged robotic hacker monkeys from Mars.

Nice cup, soldier

Political consultants are in unanimous agreement that unless you pay them, common people ( "idiots" ) are too stupid to understand the complex Ohio situation and it can only be understood by telling the consultants if your money is from Democratic or Republican donations so they can tell you, calmly and professionally, exactly what you want to hear, unless your check bounces.

Jane Fonda Picture Scandal[edit]

In 2004, newly released reports showed that John Kerry had a walk on cameo with anti-war communist traitor Jane Fonda in the cheesy 1980 pictureNine to Five”. One of the worst and most annoying films of Fonda's career and truly a black mark on the Kerry presidential campaign. This proved to be a major integrity issue for Kerry as weeks earlier, he had defended himself when a photo of him and Fonda at an anti war rally surfaced by saying, "these headlines make it sound like I was in one of her crappy movies or something".

Apparently, in the scene, Fonda is arguing with her boss, played by Dabney Coleman, when Kerry walks into the room and defends Fonda by shouting, “Vietnam was wrong,” at which point they all break into a rendition of the Dolly Parton theme song, “Nine To Five”, Kerry providing accompaniment in his deep staccato voice.

The cameo had many critics. Fox New’s Bill O’Reily asked, “What does it say for Kerry to be associated with the despicable works of Jane Fonda? How does it reflect on him as a presidential candidate?” Rodger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times says, “this movie is an outdated piece of shit.”

Jane Fonda is notorious for her trip to Vietnam in 1972 where she asked U.S. POWs to admit their country was wrong in order to be released, effectively selling out the United States. Apparently, anyone even mildly associated with Fonda should be blacklisted because they obviously share all of her politics. She's also done quite a few bad movies which is even stronger grounds for blacklisting. There were many more negative commentaries on the Kerry-Fonda connection but not all people felt it was a mistake. “Nine To Five is a laugh fest fantasy,” raves Gene Shallot of NBC TV.

Kerry was quick to defend his involvement with the film industry. To supporters in Wisconsin he exclaimed, “I also did a scene in Forrest Gump you know.”

Drunk Driving?[edit]

When questioned about his position on drunk driving, Kerry responded "I find it morally reprehensible and something that should be punished. But I won't impose my opinion on anyone." The Kerry camp hoped the statement would please both sides, but it pleased only Ted Kennedy.

Later, however, it was discovered that Carlos Mencia and Abu were fornicating with him during his crime. He was later released on bail of France.

Abortion?[edit]

When questioned about his position on abortion, Kerry responded "I find it morally irrehensible and something that should be punished. But I won't impose my opinion on anyone." The Kerry camp hoped the statement would please both sides, but it pleased none. This strategy was employed in other areas to the same amount of success.

"The war is wrong. And I'll win it."[edit]

Osama Bin Laden warmly endorses John Kerry for President

Some highlights of John Kerrys attempt at logic,"I have a plan....I have a better plan....I have a plan to have a better plan than the plan my opponent is planning.... I have a plan to have a better plan than the plan i have been thinking about fo the last 47 years from now into the future... I have a PLAN this plan is~( interuption of gasps throughout the audience to be finaly hearing his plan ) my plan is to have a plan!!!"John Kerry had a plan. It was a plan, unlike any other plan. What this plan was, was never actually announced. But, by golly, he sure had one.

And, despite what some may say, he actually did vote for the $87 billion, before he voted against it. So there.




Post 2004 Election Activity[edit]

Kerry and entire Democratic Party Taser Student[edit]

On Monday, September 17th, |2007, John Kerry was answering questions at the University of Florida when a student asking a question became beligerant. Kerry responded by jumping off the podium, grabbing a taser from one of the police officer's present, and tasering the student. After the story got through a couple of news cycles, it was revealed that the entire Democratic party actually tasered the student and that this was apparently standing orders for any Q and A session involving a Democrat. President Bush commented that this would never happen at one of his Q/A sessions because people with divergent viewpoints are stopped at the door.

Highlights of Kerry's Life[edit]

John Kerry fending off a Viet Cong ninja in Vietnam. This feat awarded him a Purple Heart.
  • July 1763- Kerry protagonized the British into getting into the French Indian War.
  • March 1861 - Kerry joins the Confederacy after he left it.
  • April 1861- Kerry decides to join the Union after realizing the Union had money.
  • 1966 - 1968 - Kerry polishes the brass so carefully and eats a really weird shrimp, both impressing and ingratiating himself with the commanding officers. He rises quickly through the ranks.
John Kerry before the sex change sergury
  • December 30th, 1968 - Can't Believe he's still in Saigon. Flips out, thinks he's a ninja and totally kills his own reflection. From this point on he totally dosn't know he looks like that, poor bastard.
  • December 35th, 1968 - Is assigned to Operation Assmaster, a top secret operation to terminate the command of Col. Kurtz, a member of The United States Army Special Forces who had gone rogue. His fellow crewmembers are intrigued yet disturbed by his constant stream-of-conciousness ramblings.
  • January 3rd, 1969 - Pilots his swift boat to Kurtz's secret island on the Cambodian border. Col. Kurtz is training mutated animal men to go to war with the Viet Cong as well as the Tattaglia Family. He also meets American wartime correspondent John Edwards. In exchange for a cigarette, he promises to make Edwards his running mate and a promise to "be your best friend".
  • January 4th, 1969- Kills Col. Kurtz in a surfing contest using moves taught to him by one of his shipmates, a young private from The Bronx nicknamed Morpheus. Calls in a napalm strike to barbecue a yak and throws a killer party starring Playboy playmates and 50 Asian prositutes. Meets his future wife Tereza Eva Braun Heinz Ketchup under circumstances known only as "The Manchuriain Incident".
  • August 1969 - Francis Ford Coppola buys the rights to Operation Assmaster and produces the movie "Assmaster", the first in the Assmaster series.
  • July 1971 - Now under therapy, it is discovered that Operation Assmaster never happened and his injuries are questioned. When Kerry is confronted with the fact that he was actually stationed in a desk job in Nebraska, he mumbles something about injuries sustained during "Operation Papercut". This explains his irrational fear of staplers.
  • February 1997 - Meets with former Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis and develops strategy on how to lose a presidential race. Kerry admires Dukakis' ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. John Kerry presents gift of a bottle of Maraschino Cherries to Kitty Dukakis.
  • September 14th, 2004 - Kerry is found in a motel six out side the city of boston tied to a bed rail with his pants around his ankles. It was later discovered that John Edwards was hiding in the bathroom.
  • September 15th, 2004 - Sustains a heavy attack from Swiftboat Veterans for Getting George Bush's Money Truth Microsoft who claim that Democrats are physically incapable of operating boats or guns.
  • September 16th, 2004 - Retaliates against negative advertisments by piloting his private swift boat to Veterans for Getting George Bush's Money Truth's Microsoft's headquaters and then opening the .50 cals on them. An event made all the more astounding by the fact that their headquarters are on the 6th floor and twelve miles from the closest river.
  • September 17th, 2004- John Kerry is caught trying to have sex with a goat without the proper protection
  • November 2, 2004- John Kerry gets seriously pwned by presidential candidate Karl Rove. Returns to his exclusive Louisburg Square townhouse in Boston and cries into a towel. Later that evening, is kicked square in the nutsack by Teresa Heinz Fitgerald Kennedy Kerry.
John Kerry showing off his skills as a center. He won the Heisman Trophy in 1699, while playing for Princeton University.
  • November 3, 2004- Daughter Daphne Sanger, grand-daughter of Stephen Sanger and the heir to the General Mills fortune, is born.
  • October 30th 2006- In a campaign stop for a dead man running for Governator of Cali-for-nye-yah, Kerry jokes "The troops that are in Iraq are such a bunch of stupid morons". Almost immediately ( 48 hours later ), he issues an apology stating "I meant to say they are LED by such a bunch of stupid morons!...Hehe...get it? Bush and Rumsfeld are stupid morons. Get it?...Huh?...What?!?!?"
  • September 17, 2007- Kerry, heckled by a kid remarkably resembling himself in 1970, orders his Imperial stormtroopers to set their blasters to stun and haul the impertinent whelp to a detention block on level AA-213 for Probe-bot questioning.
  • November 18, 2008- After losing his second presidential race, he returns to his position among the other Democratic douchebags on capitol hill who can only focus on ousting the current president by any means necessary
  • November 3, 2019- Following the death of his beloved wife Teresa, he marries his 15 year old daughter Daphne Sanger.
  • July 6, 2019- Kerry announces, at the age of 73, his third bid for the Presidency, accepting "no public or private financing, just money I earned with the sweat of my brow like the common man!"
  • October 31, 2199 - Tries to save the world against an alien invasion by opening negotiations. Alien species gets bored at his speaking and falls asleep, leading to alien's defeat.

Filmography[edit]

John Kerry became well known as a Golddigger.


  • Barney Google and Snuffy Smith ( 1923 ) as ( Spark Plug )
  • The Last Laugh ( 1924) as the toilet
  • The Jazz Singer ( 1927)
  • Frankenstein ( 1931) ( Biography. ) as himself
  • National Velvet (1946)
  • The Great Dan Patch ( 1949 ) as Dan Patch
  • Mr. Ed Goes To Washington ( 1964 ) as Mr. Ed
  • Young Frankenstein ( 1971 ) as Young Frankenstein
  • Star Trek: The Motion Picture ( 1979 ) as Borg
  • 9 to 5 ( 1980 )
  • Going Ape! ( 1981 )
  • Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan ( 1982 ) as Borg
  • Leonard Part 6 ( 1987 )
  • Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels ( 1988 )
  • Horsing Around ( 1998 )
  • In & Out ( 1999 )
  • Seabiscuit ( 2003 ) as Seabiscuit
  • Golddigger ( 2003 )
  • Team Osama: World Jihad ( 2004 ) as himself
  • Brokeback Mountain ( 2005 )
  • Norbit ( 2006 )

Trivia[edit]

Wha???? You want ME to say I'm sorry for calling our men in arms retards?
  • John Kerry is the leader of the Evil Wall Society
  • He is part of the pineapple family, like all Democrats, and his scientific name is pinapplus n00bus.
  • John Kerry only fought against Veitnam after he he joined them.
  • Aprroved of only one of the two bombs that killed the radical Muslim Cleric.
  • Won in a battle against Godzilla in 2004.
  • A member of the Organization of People With No Opinions.
  • A current member of the Republican Party.
  • A current member of the Democratic Party.
  • The capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.
  • Played the original Bobby Budnick on the Nickelodeon program "Salute Your Shorts" ( later replaced by Danny Cooksey )
  • Made his first ( non-inherited ) million selling Holy Market "redemption" vouchers.
  • One of the people the Pope of Greenwich Village must destroy.
  • 98% of his diet is made up of batteries.
  • A known superhuman. However, his superpowers consist mainly of the ability to, in standard superhero pun fashion, carry any object, regardless of weight and shape. It's because of this useless superpower that his applications to the Justice League, Just Us League, and the Legion of Doom were all rejected.
  • Had a CD that came out in early 2006 called "Great Jokes by John Kerry," but was cancelled due to botched results.
  • Created a clone of Elvis to fight the OS-Tans. The clone, however, went berserk and is currently commiting random crimes under the name Slickbottom Pete.
  • In 2004, his rediculously long head was funded primarily by actor/lumberjack Richard Karn.
  • A popular 1960s science fiction writer, was one of the early users of the word "internet" as well as his ghostwriting his own military career in Vietnam ( otherwise known as part of the Vietnam War Hoax )
  • Has three hearts, one of which pumps Worchester Sauce.
  • Was a member of GI Joe under the alias of "Swift Boat".
  • Correction: He was an Autobot, therefor not a "Real" American Hero, but indeed More Than Meets the Eye
  • The subject of the John Mellencamp song "How mommy didn't love me until my sexy encounter with the Moon Men ( Mormons ) that sexed John Kerry up in his days" Oddly enough, despite both critical and commercial failure, the ballad went on to sell more albums then the Rutles and Beatles combined.
  • Despite popular belief, has no connection to the number 420. No really.
  • Unexplainibly mistaken of Ron Weasley, is often stalked by Weasley's sworn enemy Lord Voldemort.
  • Was deposed as leader of the Liberal Pirates of John Kerry, by the Ghost of Maddox.
  • Secretly wants to destroy all things. Perferably soon; he's a busy man, dammit!
  • Is ugly. Not, like, Elephant Man, Freddy Kreuger, or Ruth Bater Ginsburg ugly, but he's up there.
  • Secretly prefers Hunts Catsup
  • Holds the record as the most photoshopped person in history.
  • Is actually just a mechanical being controlled by the DNC.
  • Has a cameo in the Lord of the Rings as Treebeard.
  • Is known for his persistent Kitten Huffing problem.
  • Reportedly has the smallest penis of any major Presidential candidate in United States history, despite having a reported third testicle.
  • Bastard Child of Herman Munster
  • In 1998, Kerry starred in "Horsing Around", a low-budget indie film shot in Hungary, in which he played a man who suffered from having horse-like features. The film was critically well-received but failed in the box-office. John was later nominated for The 6th Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, but lost to George Foreman.
  • While he claims the 'F' stands for Forbes, it's actually short for... well, you get the picture.
  • Related to Malaysian orangutans. This is confirmed because they were seen in John Kerry's night club once.
  • He was known to have affairs with more than 150 whores.