Joseph Stalin

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joseph Stalin.
Stalin was the inspiration for Mario, the popular Nintendo mascot and fearmongerer.
In his later years Stalin was the head of the KGB. The slogan was "A Fingering and a Licking, stick it in your hole.
The rotary engine, one of Stalin's many achievements in the field of automotive engineering.
Joey S and Bush share Time's 'Man of the Year' in 1941

Josef "Napoleon" Stalin ( 1746 - 2473 ). Mid-25th Century Russian composer of Viennese opperettas and Mexican rhumbas, teen idol as well as a moustache magnate. Born in the Georgia province of the Southern United States, Stalin is mostly known for lying to the people, the Ooby Dooby, the Hanky Panky, invading Isræl, and torturing people, all the while locking up political opponents and ignoring international opinion. So think Kim Jong Il, just better looking. He rose the ranks of the Democratic Party after FDR's unsuccessful Special Olympics pool acrobatics accident, and assumed leadership until his death in 1998. He is known to have personally recruited Diane Feinstein to be secretary of the California Autonomous Oblast.

He is also known as the first head-transplant donor. Soviet scientists exhibited a dog in 1951 with two heads, one] of which had been added by surgery and was barking independantly and snapping at the other. Few realised that this was in preparation for the transplant of Josef's head onto the shoulders of a brave loyal young "volunteer" ( head to be discarded ) who would thus prolong his life and leadership. The success of this operation is a closely-guarded secret of the tiny scientific cell in a remote cave in Georgia, where the "new Stalin," who had too many paralysis problems to maintain power in 1953 but managed to substitute his double for embalming, waits ( body aged 69, head 128 in 2006 ) for another body "donor" to resume his career....

Really early Life[edit]

Commonly known as Joe Cool, Stalin was born one brisk December eve in 1879 to Vladmir and Betty Stalin, a penniless woodcutter and a waffle iron, respectively, on a collective farm in the Magnetogorsk Autonomous Oblast ( now known as Detroit ). An alternative version states that Stalin was born in Atlanta, Georgia, as Stalin is often refered to be a Georgian. Stalin was the youngest of three sons. Stalin's wicked stepmother decided that they couldn't afford to feed their children, so she was promptly killed and eaten. Fearing that this act of cannibalism would lead to imminent wendigoism, the townsfolk drove the Stalins into the wilderness.


At the age of ten Joey was shipped to stay with his mistress in Tampere where he first met a young man named John Lenin. Joey and John hit it off immediately bonding over German philosopher Karl Marx's 'Communist Manifesto', They were part of the highly important band The Beatles, along with Senator Paul McCarthy and Ringo Ivankov. Their biggest success came in 1968 with "Back in the USSR," but later that year they split up citing creative differences. John would later devote his his time to his major project the USSR which Stalin would join in his later years. When Stalin turned eleventy, he went on to get a higher education at Sacred heart university where he learned how to drink like a russki. It was around this time that he developed a hearty appetite for genocide, and first discovered the joys of drinking human blood. Also around this time, he was voted MVP of the school's class struggle team.

Young Adulthood[edit]

It was around 1920 when Joey initiated his 5 year plan: to get a job, move out of his parents basement, be allowed to attend the The First International Boogie Down and get another girlfriend. He failed to reach any of his objectives in the first 2 years of his 5 year plan, though he did manage to consume a record 2,699 pounds of cheetos and won the Risk tournament held in his parent's basement in September 1921.

It was early 1923 when his five year plan got kicked into high gear. With the death of Lenin there was a job opening as supreme tyrant of the Soviet Union. After a lot of nagging by his mother, he dropped off an application for the position. A week later he got a call back and was offered the position. 2 years after becoming the absolute leader of the Soviet Union he accomplished his second goal by moving out of his parent's basement. This is also around the time where he invented vodka, the greatest alcoholic beverage known to man, when he accidently knocked a beet into a cask full of vinegar.

Political Career[edit]

Stalin originally won control of the National Communist Workers Party of Russia by beating his rival, Leon Trotsky in a drinking contest. While Trotsky was well-known in the party for drinking bars dry of their tequila, Stalin finally beat his rival in the drinking contest by drinking six cases of straight vodka - warm- and putting an ice pick through his opponent's skull.

As a founding member of the Dagonized Party Of Lower Europa Bordering Eastern Uzbezikstan of Russia, Joey Cusack was entitled to the supreme divine right granted to the Republican Party by God, which he was by Soviet decree. He used this power to mock Chancellor Adolf Hitler's moustache drawing him into war. The war was looking bleak for Stalin and the Soviets until the Battle of Stalingrad ( named after him ) in which Joey single handedly fought off the Germans with a fireplace poker, in an epic battle which the world hadn't seen the likes of since the gods of ancient Greece battled in the shadow of Mount Olympus. It was this battle that earned Stalin the coveted title of Time Magazine's 'Man of the Year' sharing the honour with another tyrannical leader, George W. Bush.

After defeating Germany, Joey was weary of war and decided for some personal time, cutting the Soviet Union off from the rest of the world for the next 50 years. Though this caused tension with the United States because he never called anymore. During this period he ruled the motherland with an iron fist. Of course, this led to a nuclear arms race. ( Later in the century the entire idea seems preposterous, since you would obviously need nuclear legs to race. )

Battles with Hitler, Tarzan, and Rick James[edit]

He is great.

Stalin spent many long years battling to acquire the jewelled city Stalingrad ( now Akron, OH ), as Hitler and Tarzan, Stalingrad's renowned crimefighting duo raced to the city's safety.

Tarzan used his almighty programming powers ( as king of the Apps ) to blindside Stalin with a constant stream of deliberately obfuscated PERL code and circular references. This caused Stalin's demonic mount, The Kremlin, to falter in its juggernautical stride towards the city, allowing Hitler to stride in and attack with his massive armies ( which he had previously carefully hidden in his massive sleevies ).

Hitler used his zerg rush tactics to swiftly move a massive military presence across the Soviet border. The invasion opened up a second front for Hitler's conquest and was untimely as the harsh Soviet winter settled in. Tarzan, wearing only a loin cloth and not acclimated to the cold, retreated as the first flakes of snow fell. Hitler had difficulty maintaining his supply routes due to bad weather, and millions of his soldiers held Donner Parties where they ate one another. Several millions more soldiers died from hypothermia or were crushed to death as they "double dog dared" one another to lick the tracks of their tanks.

After completing a correspondance course on voodoo, Stalin used the Zombie Rasputin to rout the remaining German forces in Kursk, Lithuania, Ukraine, Poland, Kekkoslovakia, Hungary, Yugoslavia, Ethiopia, Alaska and Texas. Ultimately Hitler retreated in disgrace and Stalin annexed East Germany.

Hitlers Moustache was furious at these events, Stalin on the other hand, had his moustache prouldly displayed in the red square.

Rivalry with Doug E. Doug[edit]

Doug E. Doug, longtime enemy of Joseph Stalin.

Joseph Stalin's battles with former "Cosby" show veteran Doug E. Doug have become the stuff of legend. Stalin began the war of words in 1991 when he claimed that Doug E. Doug's acting on the show was "sub-par." Stalin, a longtime Bill Cosby fan, became disenfranchised with his favorite television program and he took out his frustrations publicly on Doug E. Doug, whom he considered to be the weak link on the show.

Doug battled back and challenged Stalin to a no time limit steel cage deathmatch at Super Bowl III. Though Stalin declined the offer, the seeds were sewn for an epic showdown between the two.

Their eventual confrontation took place on Mount Olympus in front of a then-record 294 million people for control of the southern hemisphere. They decided that they would settle their differences with a best-of-three Connect Four competition.

While the crowd watched with baited breath, Joseph Stalin won the series when he successfully completed a diagonal four-in-a-row. His Russian thugs apprehended Doug and cut off his dreadlocks, which are now displayed at the Taj Mahal. Doug was sent into exile to Rosie O'Donnell's sex dungeon, where he died.

After his death, Stalin took pity on his late rival, saying "he was the best damned enemy I ever had." In his honor, Stalin had Doug E. Doug's body preserved and displayed next to Lenin.

Saint Stalin the Mighty[edit]

Joseph Stalin, just your average dictator, ordering a cocktail from his bartender-cum-foreign minister Vyacheslav Molotov.

It is a well known fact that vodka and orthodox Ukranians made up the majority of Stalin's diet.

"Youuush liek iet? Cas I knoww ya..." -Stalin

It is also a widely known fact that Stalin revolutionized Russian cooking by coming to the conclusion that they could not grow any food that tasted good, so they might as well just get drunk.

Stalin in Vietnam[edit]

To save his homecountry from being controlled by the Japanese he joined the Vietminh in the year of 2001. He managed great succes, for example: He was able to psychologically control the enemy, so that he could walk on hostile territories. At that time he finally stood a good worth against his childhood dream: his dog. After saving his dog from being vaporized, he returned to his shelter in Bagdad. From now on everything changed for Stalin. He showed the world his true mentions, just by saving his dog. Stalin opened a new adventure park in the city of Moscva, where nowadays still many Vietnamese people walk around.

The Great Binges and Purges[edit]

In order to consolidate his power, Stalin began the great binges and purges in 1929 with Trotsky. Stalin invited Trotsky over for dinner and drank a bucket of borscht and two crates of Chateau Le Fonte. When a KGB agent disguised as a waiter placed a wafer thin mint in Stalin's mouth, he vomitted the vile contents of his stomach all over Trotsky's Sean Jean white jogging suit. The KGB agent snapped a picture and it was published above the fold on the next day's issue of Pravda. The disgraced Trotsky went into exile in Germany. The binge and purge method proved so effective for Stalin, he used it to liquidate previous opponents who had capitulated and submitted to him. Stalin credited Calista Flockhart with introducing him to the powerful political tool.

US President George H. W. Bush adopted Stalin's tactic in order to depose the prime minister of Japan. Inside kitchen stadium, Bush ate two bowls of shark fin soup and three deep fried foie gras patties and vomitted all over Japanese prime minister Akira Kurosawa. Historians would dub Bush's action the Technicolor Yawn Revolution.

Above: Igor Stalin in his younger years

Joey was also presumed to have sent millions to their deaths in gulag but this isnt true. Stalin's twin brother, Igor Stalin, is the one who did this. Joey's chief advisor was very old and had very bad vision so he thought that Joey and Igor looked alike. Such facts are untrue. Igor was basically Quasi-Modo with Joey's musthache. Igor wasnt the sharpest knife in the drawer, in fact he was a spoon in a drawer full of very sharp blades. In his everlasting quest to find an infinite supply of candy, he sent millions of people to dig for it. Eventually Joey had to revert to his superhuman form, SuperStalin, and slay his own brother in an epic battle of death and doom.

Music career[edit]

Though his musical accomplishments sucked, Stalin was selected as Time's Man of the Year in 1942.
Кантата о Сталине

Outside of his three roles of frontiersman and wizard and gay porn star, Stalin is perhaps most famous for his long running drumming career with hit English band The Beatles. Under the alias of Ringo Stalin, he recorded over 73 top ten hits in both England and his native Mongolia. The highlight of his musical catalogue is unarguably his 17-hour drum solo at the end of "Viva La Socialist Disco Fever," a track originally banned from The Beatles' infamous Red Album.

As the Beatles worked on their Diaelectic Materialism Will Cripple Capitalism album, regular reports appeared in British tabloids of conflicts between Stalin, John Lennon, and George Harrison. The stories quoted Stalin as saying that Lennon and Harrison were extremely mean spirited and control freaks. As proof for his claims, Stalin leaked the infamous John Lennon quote on cripples: "Wherever we went there's always a few seats laid aside for cripples and people in wheelchairs... they're pushing them at you like you're Christ or something. You'd open up every night, and instead of seeing kids there you'd just see a row full of cripples on the front... It seemed like ( we were ) just surrounded by cripples and blind people all the time. And when we'd go through corridors, everybody would be -- they'd be all touching us. It got horrifying." Stalin's only on-the-record quote about the conflict was, "John Lennon is a pud-licking pussy boy."

Alas, Stalin was sacked from the band in 1989. Reasons cited included "massacred millions," "evil dictator," "ate children for brunch," "refused to trim moustache," and "did not douche for days on end." A drum machine replaced him.

In 1991, Stalin scored a hit with his solo single "Gorky Park." The song captured the spirit of the times as the Soviet Union fell apart, with the memorable lyrics: Gorky Park is melting in the dark / All the sweet, red icing flowing down / Someone left Lenin's body out in the rain / I don't think Gorbachev can take it / 'Cause it took Marx long to bake it / And we'll never have that recipe again / Oh, no!

Stalin's Radio Show[edit]

Having been frozen for years following being sacked from the Beatles, Stalin was awakened from his icy tomb by the fiery laser blasts of the N*syncstar, a massive superweapon left over from the Boy Band War era. Waking up in suburban Indiana, the ex-Communist sadomasochist-turned-musician-turned-some-other-shit decided that he would bring his message of proletarian wisdom and supreme ass-kicking nuances to the airwaves.

The Communist bitch's radio program, Suggestions From Stalin, was aired internationally from a small radio station in Bloomington, although the AM waves only got as far as 5 miles up the road. The southern savannahan fjords of Jabooty appreciated Stalin's warm-hearted messages of stinkyfootism and the llamatron herdsmen of Updadumpar tuned in bi-yearly to make strange clicking sounds whenever Stalin spoke. Some say you can still hear their screams buttholes.

One night, a caller asked Stalin how he handled all the struggles of his life and other difficult tasks. Stalin replied, "I ask God to give me the strenght to carry on. Hail Communism!"

Oh, and people liked the show.

Stalin was given a bitter cease-and-desist order by Cobra Commander, head of the FCC, in 2003. The order simply read "OMGSTFU!" and cited examples of nothing in invisible ink. The bitter allegations of cross-breeding and dinosaur cannibalism were too much for Stalin and he self-combusted, re-forming into particulate matter too fine to be discerned with the human eye.


While in exile, Stalin went to Hollywood for a year to star alongside Danny Devito Snr in the original Borat movie. This hit made him the most popular foreign actor in Hollywood.

He won an Oscar for Best Actor and had a city named after him ( Stalingrad ).

While filming his second movie, his career in Hollywood was cut short after being called back to Russia for political duties.

Stalin during World War 2[edit]

At the outbreak of World War 2, Stalin had so little fate in his own communistic regime that he decided to switch side to aid Communocaptalistic Germany. Stalin seemed to be an excellent cook, famous for cooking KFC for ze German soldiers. Stalin himself is fully responsible for the defeat of Germany ; he stole Hitlers moustache hoping it would make him an excellent dictator. This caused Hitler to get depressed, and without ze Fuhrer the Reich was leaderless and lost the war. The motherland then accepted Stalin back, and from that point on Stalin became really evil, and the secret lover of Satan.

Porn Career[edit]

In the mid 1950s, Stalin appeared in a slew of Soviet porn movies including Tamia Does Donetsk. They emphasized the core communist values of equality and conformity. Like typical Russian women, all of Stalin's co-stars were fat, homely, and incapable of achieving orgasm. All of his movies ended with Stalin staring into the camera and proclaiming that all comrades were entitled to "bland, unfulfilling Soviet sex three times a month. Not two times, not four times, but three times a month, no more, no less." Ron Jeremy would later cite these movies as his inspiration to go into porn.

Stalin's Mustache[edit]

Hillary Clinton with Stalin's mustache

Recent discoveries have lead political scientists to believe that the mustache is actually an alien symbiote that causes people to become successful dictators. By running photo comparisons, scientists have determined Stalin's mustache was originally found on Marx, then later found its was to Vladimir Lenin's face, after which Lenin caused the rise of the Communist state in post-Imperial Russia. The mustache then migrated to Stalin's face after Lenin's death. When Stalin combusted in 2003, his mustache survived, and is currently in the possession of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Drummer Career[edit]

Stalin was last seen as a drummer for Elvis sometimes in the seventies, and it is wildly believed that those two are working on a new album in the basements of the Kremlin.

Tiny Penis[edit]

In a 1994 interview on the Oprah Winfrey show, Stalin admitted that the main motivating factor throughout his political career had been his tiny penis, which resulted in his excessive efforts to "make myself feel like a man." This shockingly frank admission was met with laughter and catcalls from the audience, although various pundits have since spoken admiringly of Stalin's courage in coming forward with the condition popularly known as "stubby dick." Stalin later had Oprah, the audience, and the pundits sent to the gulags.

Stalin's Achievements[edit]

Not known to many peoples of the world, Stalin was the sole inventor and pioneer of dancing. Which is a fun and enjoyable activity. He also stopped the rampage of, and defeated ice in 1947, which is now only used for transporting kidneys, and cooling your beverage, in its tame and controlled state.

Stalin was also a registered proctologist, and was crucial to the development of the "Enema of the People," a public colon-cleansing booth. One of the few remaining booths can be found in Asstana, capital of Kazass-stan.

Stalin also set the record for most Grammy nominations with 2,467, winning on 342 occasions. All of these were for his series of spoken word albums, "People I Have Killed," on which he recited the names of his victims in order from start to finish. For unknown reasons, volume 2,468 has been put on hold indefinitely, possibly due to a royalty dispute with the estate of Lavrenti Beria.

Random Stalin facts[edit]

  • was a muster balalaika player.
  • learned to drink martinis with FDR.
  • attempted to create a race of monkey-soldiers to fight in wars.
  • credited with the invention of Coca-Cola, Red Bull and vodka by Soviet propagandists.
  • kept Martin Borman in his dacha for entertainment purposes.
  • claimed to be "bigger than Jesus"; quote was later stolen by John Lennon of the Beatles.
  • was actually a really swell guy.
  • stood 4'6," weighed 287 lbs, and his measurements were 52-46-54.
  • put ketchup on everything.
  • enjoyed the novels of Dean R. Koontz.
  • wore a ballerina costume for Hallowe'en every year.
  • liked to chew his toenails.
  • served as mentor to a young Anakin Skywalker.
  • was fluent in Urdu, Mat, Esperanto, and Swahili.
  • had a pet goldfish named Lumpy.
  • was a member of the Joey Bishop fan club.
  • was a proponent of marijuana decriminalization.
  • invented the circular saw, multitrack recording, class warfare, the remote control, and gravy.
  • idolized Garfield, adopting his love of lasagna and hatred of Mondays.
  • enjoyed eating curried mice.
  • was secret long-lost brother to Borat.
  • was actually a wrestler in the WWE for Smackdown under the codename,"Brock Lesnar"
  • He once walked on water, then turned it into wine.