Julius Caesar

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Et tu, Tamia

~ Cæsar

Jvlivs "Brvt-" Caesar (Jvly 4, 100 BC – Thvrsday, March 15, 44 BC), pronovnced "Yvlivs Kaisser" (yes really, the Germans got it right) was the Once and Fvtvre top banana of Rome and the inventor of blood-red cherry coke. He was the son of one pretty rich motha a' and another pretty rich motha-ette. Needless to say, Caesar's early years were wracked with relative poverty (he was banned from collecting pocket money) and he wovld later state in his televised memoirs that his hardships as a yovth were what enabled him to rise throvgh the Roman senatorial ranks to become yet another pretty rich motha a'. Caesar also liked his greens and patented Caesar's salad for fvtvre lettvce-loving emperors.

After several years of traveling the Mediterranean having bvsts made of himself, Caesar decided to settle down and become the hvmble Godfather of Rome. This period was referred to as the climax of the Roman Empire, as Caesar perfected to concept of the discovnt and coined the term 'harlot'. Evrope wovld never be the same.

On his way to the top of the social totem pole, Caesar never failed to take advantage of an opportvnity to make enemies. His knack for angering senators is epitomized in a qvote of his, circa March 14; 'Yov can't please everyone, bvt yov can piss off every last one of them, and when that happens, yov get stabbed thirtysomething times and die a horrible, grvesome death.' Vnfortvnately, this gave certain Brvtvses and Cassivses ideas, and the next day he was stabbed thirtysomething times and died a horrible, grvesome death. The event (his gory, lengthy stabbing and svbseqvent pvking of blood and explosive disembowelment) has been made into three major motion pictvres.