Kate Bosworth

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kate Bosworth.

Kate Bosworth is a Richard Simmons success story, Holocaust survivor, philanthropist and is frequently mistaken for an actress.


Tip: Avoid approaching Kate Bosworth on certain days of the month.

Weighing 35 pounds at birth, Kate was raised in a wealthy, obese family. Ever since she was young she dreamed about looking like an emaciated crack whore and starring in repetative romantic comedies. She got her first big break in 1998's The Armadillo Whisperer, which co-starred Samuel L. Jackson as a man who helps calm frightened armadillos and trains them to bite illegal Mexicans' faces off. The film won 53 Oscars.

During this time Kate often daydreamed about being a gay A-list celebrity's beard and snorting lots of coke. But being 466 pounds, she had no hope of making these dreams a reality. She continued acting as "the girl" films with completely interchangeable plots and dialogue.

Kate Bosworth, center, on the set of Blue Crush.

Her luck began to change in 2005 she met Richard Simmons who used the occultic power of his hypnotic, sequined hot pants to slim Kate down to 25 pounds and a dress size 0.000000001. She soon was landing photoshoots in all the popular men's magazines. She was offered the role of Corpse #12 in The Pianist, for which she received an Oscar nomination. She was named Hottest Under 50 Pounds by Maxim in April of 2005. By that time her agent gave her the Hollywood Male Catalog of Arm Candy, and chose a series of well known, most likely gay, Hollywood male leads to fake romantic relationships with for career purposes. She had a falling out with Richard Simmons who she caught in bed with then boyfriend Orlando Bloom. Despite this, she continued losing weight and at the 2006 Oscar Awards showed up weighing 15 pounds, wearing Orlando's promise ring as a collar.

Personal Life[edit]

Not much is known about Kate Bosworth's personal life. She is believed to be a nocturnal creature. Many in Los Angeles have seen her scavenging for food in the sewers and swinging small mountain lions by the tail and hurling them at paparazzi. Others claim she lives at Michael Jackson's abandoned Neverland Ranch, sleeping with the bones of the Elephant Man.

How to capture a wild Kate Bosworth[edit]

Set a mouse trap, leaving a trail of cocaine, champagne, size 0.0001 Versace dresses and movie contracts for the Kate Bosworth to follow. If you're lucky, the thigh will get caught in the mouse trap. Choose a weaker wooden and copper trap, or else you may risk breaking its leg. Remove it from the trap and force feed it as many McDonald's Quarter Pounders you can afford to buy.

Don't be fooled, this creature is dangerous.

What to do if you encounter a Kate Bosworth in the wild[edit]

  1. Do not approach. A wild Kate Bosworth is likely either scavanging insects and small rodents for food or looking for a mating partner.
  2. Do not look it in the eyes. Kate Bosworth is a hungry, vicious creature who can sense your fear and is liable to bite your hand off.
  3. Carry a small vial of cocaine with you. That way, if you do encounter a Kate Bosworth you may be able to distract her with it, giving yourself enough time to sneak away.


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