Kate Bush

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kate Bush.
Kate relaxing at home
Kate Bush on Freud.

Up Yours Babooshka, Ya Ya

~ Kate Bush on Mushrooms

Biography[edit]

The Birth of Kate Bush[edit]

The original Kate Bush was not a bush at all, but a tree of the genus "Pretensuosa". The tree in question was found on the border between England and Wales in the mid 14th Century and became renowned for its large pink flowers. Kate has a twin sister named Jenna, and another twin sister named Barbara. Her twin brothers, George and Jeb, died at birth.

Kate's new album is called Ariel and is based on Disney's The Little Mermaid. It is her first album in 27 years, but to make up for lost time it is a 27-disc set. She is reportedly working on her next album, a set of 407 3" mini discs with an MSRP of $599.99, and it is set for release in July of 2087. It is as of now still untitled. However, before she could finish it, Steve Ballmer killed her using his Fucking Eye-Rays™.

The difference between how Kate was before her unbirth and after her birth can be seen quite clearly when comparing footage of her from the eighties and the nineties. Of course, this is because eighties Kate Bush is not Kate Bush at all, but her attractive mother. The real Kate Bush is a wretched mesh of flesh and meat, not unlike the Toxic Avenger if he also had wonky breasts and a more noticable wandering eye. She is also considerably less productive and talented than her mother. Her last album took exactly 10,000 days to make ( approximately 12,000 years ). Her most popular song from that album, entitled "Holy Cornhole" was "Gabooshka Fuck You" in which she portrayed comic book character, Red Sonja.

Kate Bush in the '80s...And Kate Bush Now.

The Life of Kate Bush[edit]

Kate Bush's life is a well documented affair, documented by none other than H. G. Wells in his biographical film Alien 3. In the film's third act, however, Bush is made to choose between her own life and the life of the human race. The is simply not true. In reality, Bush was really made to choose between the life of some pigeons nested on her clothesline or the clothes that were constantly being soiled. She chose the former and spent much of her life indoors, fearing public shame. On the odd occasion she did leave the house Bush would usually cover herself in vines to hide the stains.

The Death of Kate Bush[edit]

Unfortunately, the outer surface of Kate Bush's body was far too permeable to the planet's atmosphere, what with it being inside-out and all. Thus, she was only able to survive for 27 seconds after being born before being infected with X-mas and itching her genitals to death. Unhappy with the brevity of her brief life, Kate fled to the moon on a rocket-ship she constructed from the remains of Elvis' rotting corpse. On the moon, Kate had her first child Berty, before meeting Berty's imaginary friend Buzz Lightyear and marrying him. Kate had her first child with Buzz and named him Berty. Kate proclaimed herself King of the moon and wrote an album about metrosexual inuets. The album was a failure and Kate's fame rocketed back down to earth where no one cared anymore.

Kate has since changed her name to Catherine Earnshaw and weighs 400 pounds, she roams her Cheshire mansion by night and at day is often sighting singing up on the roof.

Hounds of Love ( 1985 )[edit]

Considered by many people to be Kate’s masterpiece, 1985's Hounds of Love was the first album to ever feature a free puppy with every copy bought.

In August of 1985, on The Terry Wogan Show, the single "Running Up That Hill ( Deal or No Deal with God )" was played for the first time. As Kate sung her last note, Terry Wogan immediately burst into flames, and his show was cancelled; this gained Kate seven million more fans, and Hounds of Love sped into the UK pop charts, knocking Madonna's "Like A Virgin" from the number one position.

The album is split into two sides, with the first side, Hounds of Love, containing five "accessible" pop songs, including the four singles: "Running Up That Hill ( Deal or No Deal with God )," "Blockbusting," ( a duet with Bob Holness ) "Hounds of Love," and "Fuck Me Look How Big the Sky is, I Mean it Goes on Forever.". The second side is entitled "The Ninth Wave", whose title is taken from a poem by Tennyson and all the songs fit together to tell the story of a woman who wins a cruise on the lottery, falls overboard and is swept out to sea, facing death by drowning, and the tortured night she spends bobbing up and down in the icy water. This story was later copied in an episode of Postman Pat.

The song “Watching You Without Me" features a backwards vocal which, when played the right way round, reveals Kate’s shopping list for the date 09-12-85. She can be heard saying “potatoes, crisps, toothpaste and cheese... I’m off to Tescos to buy all of these... I might buy a carrot or maybe a leek... Whatever I get has to last me a week”


Running up that hill[edit]

Singer/Songerwriter/Musician/Contortionist Kate Bush ( born 1958 and again later in 1969 ) became famous for her musical interpretation of the work of the Bronte Sisters and Jane Austin. In more recent aspects of her career she has created a mime reworking of the 1957 "classic" "Attack of the Crab Monsters".

Edit: Bush's production of "Attack of the Crab Monsters" has been canceled indefinitely, as it was deemed crustacean defamation, and therefore blasphemous by Lobster Jesus. AP - Tue Oct 04, 2005 9:53 PM ET

Kate Bush is seriously hot. Or she was, anyway, and still is on her album covers.. She was a witch before Fiona Apple and a piano prodigy before Tori Amos. She is the original - the rest are imitators.

Top 10 Selling Albums[edit]

  • Northanger Abbey
  • Pride and Prejudice
  • A Potato
  • Jane Eyre
  • Pam Ayres
  • Mr Darcy is a pooftah, and wears big gay pants, and carries a handbag, and no one really likes him anyway
  • Miming the Attack of the Crab Monsters ( the Album )
  • Thriller
  • [Oh England, My Leotard]
  • Great Expectations

Baseless Rumors[edit]

Contrary to rumour, Kate Bush does not have a daughter named Tori Amos. She is, however, the real father of Kelly Osborne.

Kate did pen a song that led to Emily Brontë writing a classic novel of the same name.

It is true that, if you were male and claimed to like Kate Bush, from the years 1984-1991, you would easily get laid by a hippie chick.

Albumology[edit]

  • Soundtrack to The Lion King
  • Soundtrack to The Never Ending Story
  • Indi Cred part 1
  • Hey Fido did we just do it? Cos if that's sex, I like it.
  • The Special Olympics
  • The rest

Kate Bush on Writing[edit]

Like any self respecting artist who respects herself, Kate Bush approached song-writing in her own unique way. Over the years scientists eventually cracked the her music writing code using the Bible and a compass. The formula is as follows:


Television Appearances[edit]

  • Kate made a brief appearance on Final Fantasy IV.
  • Kate appeared as Barney the Dinosaur for 7 episodes.
  • Kate was crowd member #1376 at the 1996 Super Bowl.
  • Kate tried to moon Rotikian leader, Prime Minister Ritchi Konghi on national TV, but an international concensus voted not to be forced to see her "area"