What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
|Motto: Ken-Ya Believe it?!|
|Anthem: "God Save the Lion King"|
|Capital||Nairobi, Pride Rock de facto|
|Official languages||English and Swahili|
|National Heroes||Mufasa, Rafiki, Zazu, Kenyatta,Odinga I & II, Lwanda Magere, M-Oh-One etc.|
24 June 1994
|Currency||One Kenyan Shitting|
|Religion||Rafikiism, Christianity, Animism, Traditional Beliefs, etc. ad nauseam|
Kenya is a beautiful nation on the East Coast of Africa. It is reputed to be even more beautiful than your mum. It is the only country in the Universe that is ruled by a lion, His Highness, the benevolent Mfalme Simba. Anyway, it is also known as the Pridelands.
Kenya is well known for the fact that it is the only place you can see lions. If one would like to see some lions then I would say that their best bet would be to visit Kenya.
Kenya is also the only place where you can see tigers, though tigers aren't actually native to Kenya. So why is Kenya the only place you can see them? Shut up, you nosy kid before we cut off your nose. Come to Kenya and I can guarantee that you will be able to see many lions and tigers, as they are both available for viewing in Kenya.
Don't even think about going to Norway. Norway doesn't have any lions or tigers, only crabs. And nachspill, which is nice. It's so bland there that all of Europe is planning on renaming it Snoreway. Norway has no objection so far since they are snoring too loudly to hear. This is in no way related to recent studies that show that Norway, not Spain, sleeps the most.
Kenya has a history of being the place where the giraffes are, and zebras as a matter of fact, but for a limited time only. So if you want to see zebras you had better get to Kenya fast.
The Kenyan White Highlands comprise one of the most successful agricultural production regions in Africa; that is why the British colonialists took them and have never returned them since. Glaciers are found on Mount Kenya, Africa's second highest peak; unique physiography supports abundant and varied wildlife of scientific and economic value. And don't forget the food value, since Kenyans eat just about anything.....maize, rocks, glaciers, you name it.
A brilliant and exciting way to see the lions AND tigers in Kenya is to book a trip with HOLY CRAP LIONS! TOURInc which is 100% owned by the government and whose tours, like their name, are crap.
As an added bonus to show how thankful we are for you visiting Kenya you will also get a free virgin with every visit.Just register yourself upon arrival with the Government Bureau of Virgins along K Street. Ask any Kenyan for directions. That has to be the most awesome thing you've ever heard of and if it's not you are deaf.
Rumor has it Kenya is where Mac10's, Rap Music, and Basketball was invented.
A military history of Kenya
The small universe of Kenya has a history of having weapons of mass destruction and that is why His Excellency the Benign Emperor George W Bush bombed it in 1997 ( Cooperative House, Nairobi ) and 2002 ( Paradise Hotel, Kikambala ). However, they have successfully managed to shift the blame onto Iraq, thus successfully providing teh answer to a long-running scientific debate as to whether the buck stops in Nairobi or not. In 2006, when the Lion King refused to give the American Emperor of the time, Jabba the Hutt, an apology and a lion, Bush sent a bomber to bomb the main Pride Rock, but the very efficient Kenyan police captured the bomber, who repented his sins and revealed that Bush had kidnapped his IPod to force him into doing the dirty deed.
Another military outrage occurred in 1939, when Kenyan militants refused to help Ingyland forces fight the giant German that was invading France. The British then sent its Johhnies to force the natives to go to war. This started the Mau Mau revolution, which was Che Guevara's main motivation to become Public Enemy Number One. Luckily, the German was detained in 1945, but the Mau Mau kept on fighting, because they were too deep in Mt Kenya forest to know the war was over. Soon, the Johnies wanted lunch and had to go back to Ingyland, but again, the Mau Mau didnt know, so they kept on fighting, even after independence. To date, sporadic reports show that they are still going strong, though they are just fighting trees.
Also, Kenya has lions. Which, believe it or not...but you had better believe it....are great military weapons. Just ask Somali invaders, also called Shiftas, who were all killed by them in the Northern Frontier District during their 1970s invasion.
FORGET NORWAY RIGHT NOW! It will save you a brief moment
Where can you see lions Only in Kenya Come to Kenya, we've got lions Where can you see tigers Only in Kenya Got lions and tigers only in Kenya Forget Norway and other countries Kenya, oh Kenya Where the giraffes are And the zebra Kenya, Kenya, Kenya Kenya, come to Kenya Ken-Ya believe it?!
Kenya as a Worm Hole
For several thousand years Kenya was a wormhole to Kenya in the future. Thousands of people traveled to the worm hole to find out what the future was like, unfortunately, Kenya is the future will be a worm hole to Kenya in the past, so going through the worm hole achieved nothing.
After budget cuts due to the DHMO poisonings, the worm hole was closed in the past. In the future, the worm hole is still open because of it's usefulness to Kenya's tourism industry. People who stay in Kenya for vacation are required to use their credit cards in the future, and those who visit the hole ( which obviously no longer has a destination ) are trapped there and are charged until they check out.
Some random statistics
Ratio of men to women in Kenya 2/0
Ratio of WMD to non-WMD 0/0
Ratio of Lions to Tigers 5/4
Being home for Christmas in Kenya Priceless
Base Damage 16
Tourism in Kenya
Tourism is the largest and only source of revenue in Kenya, thus explaining why they are so poor. In 1998, they started their "Ken-Ya Believe IT!?" campaign. It resulted in several lions mauling a Dutch tourist. The Dutch government did not press any charges seeing as the tourist was dumb enough to go to Kenya.As the Dutch Prime Minister summed the case up, the lions need to eat, and Holland needs to get rid of dumb people, which works out in everybody's favor. Apart from the dumb Dutch of course, but they are too dumb to know it.
President of Kenya
Since yesterday, Kenya does not have a President. This is an obvious method of separating Kenya with forgettable rivals such as Norway.