Kermit the Frog
Against all odds, Kermit the Frog ( May 13, 1940 - October 20, 2007 ) ( originally named Kermit the Forg ) has succeeded in making a name for himself where most others would surely have failed. Few in history can claim to have been dealt a worse hand in life than the green-skinned icon of hope.He was assansinated on October 20, 2007.
Born a human, Mark Alexander Nelson, was spawned in a dingy sewer on the corner of Sesame and Houston streets, where he alone managed to survive past infancy. As a child growing up on the Sesame streets, nothing came easy. Being a Muppet in human form was no life at all here, so, one day, he was transformed into a beautiful, well, more so than before, frog. Without guidance or companionship, Frog fell prey to the enchantments of the seedy underworld. Hooked on Special The Letter K, pixie dust and kittens, Frog was willing to do anything to get his next fix. He would often hit up Cookie Monster, famously known in sesame street for his "special stuff". ( In later years he would lose all connections with cookie, when his breath one day smelled of pork chops and cheap whiskey. )
As he hit rock bottom he began to associate with dangerous characters like The Count and a few meetings with the vicious and undisputed underworld kingpin Bert, a meeting he would grow to regret later in his life. Thinking he could improve his lot by flashing a little green, he even turned to Oscar the Grouch and the adult film industry. Finally at 26 with no money and no pride, Frog decided to turn his life around. He went to college at UCLA and graduated with a BS in Pimpin' with a minor in the science of Slapping bitches around and Collecting Money from said bitches. He then bought a house somewhere in urban Detroit.
For years Kermit committed crimes against the republic of bad comedy and TV, making his movies he ruined children's lives and hypnotized many children into becoming politicians, but fortunately in 2005 the cops found the fucked up frog and chased him for 2 years but his identity was ruined by his hooker friend Ms. Piggy.
A Second Chance
He abandoned the dirty slums and shady denizens of Sesame and enrolled at Toadstool University, where he was awarded a full scholarship based on his "urban" background. He took his studies seriously, graduating with a Communications degree and an internship with MAD magazine. Yet just as it seemed fortune was finally smiling upon him, Frog's career in journalism was cut tragically short.
In 1996, while functioning as an embedded reporter for the SatanDisk corporation at the The Battle of the Letter P, he was captured and tortured by the vengeful Bert when his position was overrun. Frog never commented on his ordeal and though he was soon rescued by the brave Captain Murphy the incident was not without consequence: both Frog's legs had been amputated and consumed by the forces of Sesame Street.
Seeing an opportunity in his misfortune, Frog returned to his interest in showbiz with what he said would be his final project. "The Rainbow Connection" was born, a popular yet brief running children's program about coping with the struggles of having horribly deformed stumps for legs. The show's last episode in early 1998 ended with a teary monologue by the wheelchair-bound amphibian. "Always look on the bright side," he croaked, "Because the other side is too dark to see."
After the rampant success of the "The Rainbow Connection" Kermit decided to postpone his retirement and became a movie star, starring in such beloved movies as "Police Academy" and the adaptation of the award-winning Stephen King novel "Muffin Man".
Kermit, who always had a love for hardcore rap due to his rough upbringing, would go on to release a solo rap album entitled "It Ain't Easy Being Mean", which would have limited success, debuting at number 76 on the Billboard Music Charts. The album is notable, however, for two of it's lead singles: the relentless "Jim Henson is my Bitch", a reference to the heinous Nazi leader of the 1150's, and "Muppet Treasure Island" ( feat. Snuffleupagus ), which dealt with his long-publicized feud with Virgin Records owner, Ty Pennington.
Currently, Frog lives at his home on the Spanish coast with his 7 wives, and is suspected of having recently established ties with Al-Qaeda. It is known that his home on the Mediterranean Sea is where all three of his illegitimate children --Yoda through Miss Piggy, Albert Einstein through Paris Hilton, and Tina The Fey through Attila The Hun--were conceived, born, and insensitively thrust out into the cold world without so much as a pat on the shoulder. He had a feud with Dr. Teeth and was responsible for many dead Smurfs.
Kermit is now considering coming out of retirement to beat several white trash hookers with a solid gold pimp cane, but has competition from Mr. Rogers, The Justice League, The Snorks, and Pacman Jones.