“Kinnikuman is a wrestling superhero.”
~ Captain Obvious on Kinnikuman
“He can't beat me.”
~ Chuck Norris on Kinnikuman
“Is he supposed to be some kind of a fish?”
~ Some guy on rhjetaleatgaetetadsbvvvbvffs
“I can throw him helluva far!”
~ Mr. T on Kinnikuman
Awesome. Stupendous. Amazing. These are the words that ( do not ) define Kinnikuman ( pronounced KEN-EEK-KOO-MAN, not KEN-EEK-KOO-MARN ), which this article is about. But rather, the words "shoe" and "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". A wrestler of many kinds, he redefined the entire aspect of wrestling as we know it and it is he who invented the use of steel chairs and tables in matches. But that's also before Vince McMahon invented the WWE and made it goofy. We also have pie, and you can't have any.
Kinnikuman (Perry Ness or P. Ness as he used to sign in his Kindergarten papers) was born in San Francisco, California in 1951 into the Yudetamago family and is the younger "twin" brother of Ultraman. No. Not that Ultraman. This one can grow up to many sizes bigger and looks funnier, even though the link there leads to the wrong Ultraman being mentioned here.
Ness lived a clean life, munching on garlic obsessively for strength because he thought it would make him stronger. Of course, he tried other things from time to time, like spinach and pizza, and tasty as they were, they weren't quite the same for him. He also tried tacos for a while, but got tired of them. Personally, if I could have a special food that would make me stronger and give me super strength, I'd eat rudabegas, or beer. That would be really awesome.
Wait, where was I... oh yeah. Everything went well for the young man until he laid his eyes on Mexican wrestling. Greatly inspired by the antics of these masked doodads, he would then put on a freakish mask with big red lips and a fin on its head, and run around suplexing people all over his neighborhood. This resulted in many spankings which he soon grew to enjoy. His favorite trick was to build up gas and then let it out right before the hand comes down on his keister to make for a smelly getaway, which was his best way out of the spanking, resulting not only in the disgust of the spanker, but also a stinky hand if the hand came down right as he farted. He was notorious for using this trick especially at birthday parties when it came to birthday spankings.
Wearing the ugly mask 24/7, Ness would aim to get his name changed, and succeeded in doing so, going by the new name of Suguru Kinniku from then on out. He would tote this name everywhere he went, including to the bathroom and, yes, even to THAT place. You know the one I mean.
Throughout his school years he could easily earn an A+ in every subject just by headlocking his teachers and threatening to fart in their face. Back during this time, no teacher wanted this, so it was the only respectable thing to do. Nowadays you have to use guns and hammers.
His Entry Into the Wrestling World
When he reached 26 years old and earned his high school diploma, Suguru decided to say goodbye to his parents. He chickenwinged his mother into submission and body-slammed his father, then used a piledriver on the cat before heading out into the real world after living in the basement for so long. Times were tough for Suguru; The only job he could afford to get was as a sausage grinder in a butcher shop to make "meatshakes".
One time a PETA nut came into the store and demanded the store be closed down. Suguru, annoyed by this, smacked the pest over the head with a steel chair then chokeslammed him through a table before proceeding to grind his arm off with the sausage grinder. He was then noticed by Hulk Hogan, who happened to be right there eating his own chicken and hot dog meat shake.
Seeing potential in the man, Hogan took him under his wing and proceeded to teach him even more about wrestling. While training, our masked wacko was ambushed by PETA terrorists; He then proceeded to wrestle them all into oblivion and tore the legs off of one with a Boston crab. The result was him being called a hero, and he was given pie as a reward. He thanked the town by powerbombing the mayor.
Hulk Hogan, realizing the power in his pupil, trained Suguru relentlessly all the way to hell and back before getting him into the wrestling world... and that would be the hour of Kinnikuman and the redefinition of "sports entertainment" ( what it's called according to Vince McMahon ). That would also be when he finally recieved the official name... Kinnikuman ( which is Japanese for "muscleman" and korean for "he who lives in garbage cans" ).
After much persuasion through violence, it was agreed that he should be allowed and Kinnikuman signed the contract in blood and then smashed the desk with an extreme headbutt in an act of awesome. He debuted in 1982, where he won his first match in 3 seconds with a kick to the nads. This shocked everyone. But they soon came to love it. This invented the groin attack which is now used in wrestling today. His signature move was the "Muscle Spark" which he invented while drunk, and it hurt a lot. Reportedly, Chuck Norris was the ONLY one who could ever get up and walk away from it unharmed.
But anyways, he propelled straight to the top, giving wrestling a more extreme attitude, winning 50 championships around the world by 1996, his own line of action figures ( which was called M.U.S.C.L.E or Many Ugly Stupid pieces o' Crap that look Like Erasers ) and even a saturday morning cartoon show. All the while, he started Kinnikumania, and fans everywhere would gather to watch him smash the rival orginazation known as dMp, which he also invented. Then Vince McMahon came around, and managed to get Kinnikuman to join the WWE. It was then that his career began to plummet.
After being forced to wear frilly skirts, milk goats with his bare teeth, and kiss his butt for the 76th time, fans began to boo Kinnikuman, calling him a has-been and a man who sold his soul to McMahon. But he didn't care, he was corrupted by money. By 2001, Suguru couldn't take it anymore himself, and used his patented Kinniku Buster on McMahon in public television and then farted on his face, which in return got him FIIIIRRREEEED!!! and never allow him to wrestle again. Fans cheered, but after learning about this 'never-wrestle-again' thing they began to cry for their beloved hero. Kinnikuman left with a fart and was seemingly never seen again.
Where Is He Now?
As of current, Kinnikuman is working as a bouncer in a local Pizza Hut down in Arkansas. Suguru makes his living by kicking out kids beating on the arcade machines and shoves the pizza down the person's throat when they order it then refuse to eat it. He has recently released a biography called "This Is A Biography About Me. My Name Is Kinnikuman, and You Better Read My Book, or I'll Smash You With A Steel Chair."
He is living a happy life with his wife and son, who is currently wrestling while wearing a mask much like his father's, Mantaro Kinniku, or "Kid Muscle" to the wrestling world. Kinnikumania came back as Musclemania and people everywhere are following in the success of this new muscley dude in a mask. But let's face it; Kid Muscle is not nearly as great as his dad.
- Defeated Freddy Kruegar, Galactus, and Drew Carey's nemesis Mimi Bobeck with companions Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime in a six-man tag for the fate of all humanity.
- Wrestled with Godzilla. No wait, that was Ultraman.
- Was out-kinniku'd by Aeris Gainsborough shortly before her death.
- Invented the use of steel chairs and tables in matches.
- Had an intense rivalry with Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo in the independent circuits.
- Formed the tag team "Nuclear Muscles" with Duke Nukem and both won the Tag Team belts 5consecutive times by challenging themselves and winning.
- Challenged Osama Bin Laden to a "turban mud wrestling" match ( and lost. But it was a memorable battle ).
- Defeated the Olsen Twins in a PPV-hosted "tween slut handicap" battle.
- Has fought Bugs Bunny over 5,000 times. Bugs won 1,984 of the matches. Their feud ended with Bugs winning for the 1,985th time at Wrestlemania 1000000 after Kinnikuman fell for the "Made You Look!" trick and was ran over by an airplane.
- Had an intense bodybuilding buddy battle with Russia's own Zangief. While both were covered in butter. And naked.
- Defeated Dr. Buttsteak for the World Airweight Title back when he was on a diet.
- And a bunch of other championships he won while wrestling which I won't tell you about.
A Small List of His Wrestling Moves and Stuff
- Back Drop
- Front Drop
- Side Drop
- 90-Degrees-and-Sorta-Inverted-and-Funny Drop
- Nut Cracker Kick
- Kinniku Buster
- Kinniku Driver
- Elemental Mixer
- Elemental Blender ( Hit Puree' )
- Rope Hang
- Muscle Spark
- Superduper Fart Blaster Attack
- Chair Shot
- Flaming Chair Shot
- Acid-Soaked Chair Shot!
- That Tingling Sensation
- Excuse Me, May I Have Another?
- Kinnikuman burned all evidence of what his face looked like before wearing the mask. People only make speculations as to what he may look like underneath. Some people claim he looks like Gary Coleman under the mask.
- He is a wrestler.
- Kinnikuman is in no way related to Kikkoman, even though both seem to be. Then again, records state Kikkoman may be his second uncle's sister's half-cousin's brother thrice removed.
- If you are reading this sentence, you are gay.
- If you are reading this sentence, you are unhealthily in love with Kinnikuman and should seek help.
- Did you know--nah, nevermind.
- Hey, you... you better eat your pizza or he'll come over and jam it down your throat!